Tuesday, September 11, 2012

BABIES AND FOOLS: White Sinners and Black Saints

You see, this below is the type of hard-headed fuckery that makes me think I’m wasting my time with this whole advice column shit. Read on.


I went to an online Christian dating service, and one of the men (who went to my church) contacted me, and we e-mailed back and forth for a bit. He was the first white guy I’ve dated. As you may want to know I’m black (you see me at Bar Louie’s and Matchbox on occasion). I got an E-mail request to text him and meet him at one of the local U. Street dives to listen to a band play. He told me he was a musician with a Jazz-type band, so I knew we had the love of music in common. I got there, and he had been drinking a bit, but I didn’t realize how much.

I found him very attractive, and I felt extremely lonely. My only daughter left that day, as she was accepted to a school in another state, and I felt very alone. He decided that he wanted to come back to my apartment. We had a nice time talking; he said some inappropriate things about his libido, but I over looked them. He then said he wanted to kiss me. We ended up in my bedroom.

Afterward, he appeared a bit cold and left. I never heard from him, so I texted him a message and he replied back to me that he was really embarrassed about what had happened, that it wasn’t like him to do something like that, and he blamed the alcohol. Although, he was able to drive home that night - go figure. He’s a P.G. County Police Officer, so be careful on the road, ladies. He told me never to mention what happened to anyone, and that he was moving on and really didn’t want to have anything to do with me again.

I was just sick, and my spirit was ripped to shreds. I only hope this person does not repeat his behavior again with any other vulnerable women. I warned him not to hurt anyone or bring his messes into the lives of innocent women. I still feel like a piece of garbage, small, vulnerable, and distraught. It just feels so horrible being used, and I am working on getting rid of the baggage from this situation. Your opinions/advice about moving on would be very welcomed, Handsome.


Two things, Nita: 

1) My name is spelled with the letter "K", my dear ... get it straight.


2)Are you some sort of stalker? How do you know my drinking spots, NAME, and how to find my blog? It's very unlikely -- given the fact that you're not my usual curvy, brunette, blue-eyed "type"-- but did I get drunk and fuck you too?

Nevertheless, I have to say I'm very, very disappointed in you, Nita, as it's quite safe to assume you read my blog regularly. This means that you have access to all this fucking good game that I give away and jewels I drop 24 by 7. *sighing* You should know better, Love, but if you want me to lay it out here goes.

I have several issues with your entire thought process beginning with the "Christian Dating Service" thing. What would make you think a Jesus Match.com wouldn't have dogs, players, and pimps running a muck on said site? Negroes that go to church love pussy too, and some of them like brown-eye (mostly the pastors with the muscle-shirts and finger waves). There's no doubt in my mind that 80 percent of your male congregation are single and they get their helmets polished-off just as much (or maybe more) than that cat playing golf while you're in church on Sunday and Weds. evenings. Are you hurt more so knowing you found a playa-pimp on your respected JesusMatch.com? What's Moses does thorough background checks on these cats and mails a money back guarantee and Starbucks Gift Cards to everyone? Look, honey, I know guys that patrol sites like those looking for gullible, easy young ladies like you. The name of the site means nothing, Nita, remember that. Think about it. Big white girls sign-up for bigwhitegirls.com (read: Plenty of Fish) because they feel they're gonna be more "accepted" and stand a better chance of getting a date on bigwhitegirls.com (Plenty of Fish). And slick-talking Negroes are quite abreast of this fact, so they stand post almost religiously, on said sites, seeking good chubby pussy and riches. No bullshit. 
She needs love too!

Next, I would like address the fact that you pointed out this cat was white. What does his color have to do with any of this fuckery? Doctors come in all colors and sizes, so do P.G. Cops, pedophiles, strippers, priest(pedophiles), engineers, and pimps. Now lemme get this shit straight: You met a white boy, from your church, on JesusMatch.com and somehow thought he would treat you better because he's white, knows the Ten Commandments, and has an incredible Miles Davis vinyl collection? Nita, really?

So, you go into this bar (probably Chi-Cha Lounge) to listen to some jazz with this Christian white boy and he's ALREADY fucked-up. Instead of telling him your standards scream to you that it's inappropriate for him to be lit-up before you even get there, you sit down WITH him and get smashed too! SMFH. Now this snowballs into a request to go to your crib and do what, Nita? FUCK that's what ... Old Boy wanted to fuck. Fun Fact: When a girl and guy meet at a bar to get smashed and the idea is tabled to head back to her crib, Nita, 99.9 percent of the time dude is gonna get some ass -- at the VERY least a nice blowjob if she's on her period and you're not into that sorta thing. *wink-wink* 

Where the drunken magic goes down...
Moving on, drunken nature takes it's course. He beats it up for a while then high-tails it out the door and later tells you that he wants nothing to do with you. I, personally, think Pope White Boy has a girl friend but I will go into that later...Well, to hell with it, why wait until later? Nita, either the sex wasn't good or he has a girl period. I mean, why would a county police officer risk his career driving all the way home drunk when he can lay-up with some ass all night? Huh? ...I'll wait. *glancing at watch* Anywho, you broke the FIRST RULE in online dating, Chica, which is NEVER DROP THE PANTIES ON THE FIRST NIGHT OUT. NEVER! Even if you want a fuck buddy let the joker wait until next weekend; give him something to think about and work towards. The truth is he treated you like a slut and slutted you out, Nita, BUT you put yourself in that embarrassing position. Any chance of him respecting you went out of the window when you didn't put him out the moment he told you his dick was hard. He knew he had you. I'm not gonna pile on you, love, as you already feel awful enough. What I will say is you made the mistake of not setting parameters for YOURSELF on the date. I tell my female buddies install a four-sided fence around themselves on first dates. 

Side-one: NO SEX 




This "fence" not only could potentially SAVE YOUR LIFE but it will also protect you from heartaches, illegitimate kids, angry wives, crazy baby mommas, and the embarrassment that you feel presently. Look, we all make mistakes and no one is perfect, so don't beat yourself up too much. Think about this: What would you advise your daughter who went to school out-of-state to do on a first date? Exactly. As we get older we need to be getting wiser and better not played. And, by all means, change your thought processes, Sweetie ... race and religion doesn't make a good person. I know we have our preferences in who we allow in our lives, but if you don't think shit through, you're gonna end up taking the BAD WITH THE GOOD, Nita. Hope this helps and check me at the bar one day. We'll find you someone decent. :-D

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Monday, August 13, 2012


Wow. 2.5 more weeks and the summer is going to be a thing of the past, huh? Where does all the time go? It seems as if last week I was having a welcoming in another birthday, now I’m thinking about a Labor Day Jam. Gee Whiz...

Anywho, I am a true believer in “balance” and its place and influence in Human Civilization. But as my studies of “balance” over my adult life have taught me: The Law of Balance can be a blessing and a curse. Take a second, sit back on your sofa, in your chair at your work desk, or on that couch at Starbucks, and think for a couple of minutes about all of the people that you know with good common sense. You got a picture in mind? Okay, now I will bet you lunch at Rosa Mexicano’s that you know almost an equal amount of pathetic idiots who make decisions, that force you to scratch your head, let out a sigh and say “What the fuck?” These are and can be family members, friends, friends of friends, co-workers, or some random guy or girl from the street. I know people in my personal life that make me cringe when I think of the shit that they do and behaviors they repeat that keep them broke and in drama. A lot of you don’t know these people but some of you do so I will come back to them and give an example of someone we all know – our friend Chad “Ocho-Cinco” Johnson.

For those of you who aren’t aware of this buffoon, Chad Johnson, at one point was one of the NFL’s Top Eight wide receivers. Physically, he was (and still may be) an immense talent rivaled by very few, but Chad has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer … and the fact that he couldn’t grasp and understand the New England’s Patriots offensive scheme proves as much but that's another story. In fairness, no one ever proclaimed Chad as the next Albert Einstein, not even Chad himself. What I am saying is that over the past couple of years Number 85 hasn’t exercised one once of common sense.

First, he decides to "wife" a reality show hooker whose only claim-to-fame is being a gold-digging skeezer. Let’s call a spade a spade, my friends: The ONLY reason Evelyn is where she is today is because she allowed several basketball players to run through her and had kids by one of those idiots and, VIOLA, BASKETBALL WIVES FAME. So not only does Chad PUBLICLY make a hoe he smashed on the FIRST DATE ON VH-1(world-wide television) his wifey – This nincompoop MARRIES this broad. I know the great Kanye West said “I don’t care what none of y’all say, I still lover her”, but damn, Chad, Yeezy was fucking joking!

Okay, gang, let’s fast-forward to last Friday afternoon. Chad’s dumb-ass gets caught with a receipt for a box of condoms. Yeah … I know, fellas, I know. This fact only re-enforces my assumption that Chad is an idiot with absolutely NO common sense. Where dey do dat at? Chad, really, dawg? First, what the hell are you doing with the receipt, fool?! You throw that away out front along with the box and CVS bag, right, fellas? *SMDH* Second, you’re supposed to have a stash over one of your single boy’s cribs. Better yet, you’re Chad Johnson; your jump-off’s supposed to have the rubbers in the night stand or top drawer ready to go. It isn’t like you’re buying pussy off of the strip, Chad, right? Are you? *sighing* I wouldn’t put it past you, Number 85.

Moving on, so Chad (who we’ve just established that he’s no Steve Jobs) and his ran-through wife get into an argument over HIS fuckery, and he decides to pull a Hulk Hogan and head butts the hoe. Bad move. Chad, there’s no two ways about it lover what you did was inexcusable. You had no business putting your hands (head) on your wife, conceded hoe or not. Negro, you got caught with condoms! What was she supposed to think given she KNOWS you’re an idiot and you’re likely pull some stunt of infidelity – that’s why she hurried and married you, Chad! Trust me, after you had another sub-par season with the Dolphins and they cut you; she was taking half of that salary (and whatever else she could) and bounce on your goofy-ass.

 Nevertheless, Chad, you should have walked away from the argument and chilled for a bit – even if she hit you first. You’re 6’3”, 220 lbs., Chad and she was no match for you on any level (other than she’s way smarter than you). What did you gain from losing your rag and trying to knock the girl out…a weekend in jail? Look, fellas, this is the blueprint of what NOT to do in such situations. This Negro now has no job, no wife, no reality show, and is restrained from his own fucking home now. *smdh* Young MC said it best “You got no money, you got no car, you no woman and there you are”

Yep, you may have just blown it all, Number 85 in one weekend. I know that the messenger always get shot but I feel it’s my civic duty as an American, and my manly duty as a father-figure, Chad. See, I’m everyday people and I meet people where they are in life. Using this approach I’m a little something to everyone; I can shake your hand firm like a man and talk to you like a son. The reality of this sad scenario is that YOU, Chad, are the ultimate loser. You now have a WIFE BEATER sign hanging on your back, you may not get another NFL gig, and she’s gonna garner the public sympathy while cashing-in on another season of Basketball Hoes Wives. Actually, Evelyn may get her OWN reality show quiet as kept, while all Number 85 gets is 86'd from the Miami Dolphins. *SMFH*

So, getting back to my initial point, even though we need balance in this world, this is a prime example of what the tarnished side of the “common-sense coin” looks like. You would think that common-sense is something that’s supposed to be innate in all human beings but, strangely and sadly, this is not the case. Let’s all just hope everyone lands on their feet and happy endings are in store. Domestic violence never has a positive effect on anyone involved. And as dumb as Chad Johnson is and conniving as Evelyn may be they are both are, as I always say, Human After All…

My NEXT Babies and Fools Blog will be on STEVIE J!

The Hedonist

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Sex and Candy: Birthday Boy Special Edition

Birthday Boy in the hiz-zouse, Cadets, and I am back to talk my shit again! Do you realize that I haven't dropped a full-length blog on you guys since February? WTF is wrong with me these days? Well, it's was a rhetorical statement but the simple answer is nothing other than getting money and preparing for May 27th. So I'm looking in my ridiculously overflowing blog folder in my gmail (patrickristien@gmail.com) to find something TO blog about and i am noticing a reoccurring theme: People's break-ups are becoming nastier and nastier. I'm talking fist-fights, scratched rides, best friends getting sloppy seconds and all that good stuff -- shit that you absolutely can't make up. Folks (ESPECIALLY ALL OF YOU GROWN FOLKS!) cut all of the rigmarole out! The Hedonist is going to help you out ... on MY birthday weekend! I know, the shit I do to amuse you while dropping some knowledge at the same time. 

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, counselor, Baptist Minister, shoulder to cry on, Judge Judy, or pimp ... well, maybe by blood but you're missing my point. My advice is from my own meandering experience and it's not full-proof. I just give it to you raw and uncut like an uncircumcised Jamaican practicing unsafe sex. Enjoy! 

In 2003 my ex broke up with me out of nowhere. The fellas think I just missed the signs. But believe me: I’ve replayed the entire relationship in my head. There were no red flags. We were practically living together when she dropped the breakup bomb during an episode of Taxi Cab Confessions. Our year of dating ended in less time than it takes to collect a free Slurpee from 7-11 in July. I gave a year of my life and all I got was 20 minutes of “Sorry, I never meant to hurt you.” Plus, she ruined Taxi Cab Confessions forever.
I did think she was “the one.” We’d just gotten back from a vacation with her entire family, where she brought up the M word. I felt like my happily ever after was on its way. Yes, my pride was shattered. I mean all of the steady jump-off ass I kicked to the curb and new ass I missed out on.  But the truth is, I’m not angry that she left; just mortified at how she left. Do yourself (and your soon-to-be-ex) a favor and follow these steps to the other kind of happy ending. **wink-wink** What’s in it for you? She’ll be less likely to turn crazy. I’ve been there, too. 

Rule #1: Don’t say “I’m sorry” and “I never meant to hurt you” over and over again. They are empty phrases unless you can tell the broad why. Give them words. If you want to minimize the possible crazy reaction, talk to her before you run away. If you run, you are a fucking coward. If you text, you are a coward. Same goes for email and any form of social media. Period. You have no right to call someone crazy when you didn’t give them answers.

Rule #2: Break up with her when you really want to do it. Don’t hold out to spare her feelings, or your pride, or whatever the hell you’re sparing. Most often, chicks sense when there’s trouble in paradise. They'll then try to change your mind before you bring up any issues, which will be annoying to you—and really annoying to them when you dump THEM anyway. Just get’er done . . . in person!

Side note: We delay for two reasons: 1) We’re waiting for someone better to come along. Not cool, we realize, but it happens. 2) More likely, we’re not sure breaking up is the right thing to do. Women have the rep for being finicky, but guys are just as bad. One fight and we want to run into the arms of the cute Starbucks barista. But one great dinner together, or romp in the hay with you, and we’re fully invested again. At the risk of coming across like an old married guy, I regret to inform you that the idea of THE ONE is complete fallacy. We’re all compatible with hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of people. Successful relationships are the result of timing, not magic. No bullshit. 

Rule #3: Do not contact her the next day to ask how she’s doing. You know how she’s doing. Even if you have the best intentions, we know you’re just seeking assurances that you’re not a terrible person. It’s too early for that. You’ll just make us feel worse. Let her reach out to you if she wants to. You made a decision that you believed was right. And that’s okay! Let her deal with it in her own time. Frankly, she may come to the same conclusion you did.

Rule #4: Keep your distance. If you want her to get over you, give her the space to do so. Don’t go to bars you know she frequents. Don’t hang out with her family. Don't fuck her friends (even the curvy, grey-eyed brunette!). Don’t keep her as a Facebook friend. Again, she doesn’t want to see you; she wants to move on. Caveat: If you notice she’s everywhere you are, then she’s following you. As I said, I’ve been there.

Rule #5: Know which of these rules to break. Then there’s this. Every woman is different. Every relationship is different. Every breakup is different. The rules are really just forms of respect. You know her as well as anyone, so you should know which lines not to cross. It’s okay to want to be friends with someone you once loved, but in this situation, she comes first. (Please tell me that, by now, you’re good at letting her come first.) Look, fellas, all you can control is how YOU handle the situation. You can’t control how she reacts to it. At that point, your job is done. Fact is, if you can’t break up like a man, you shouldn’t be dating. So next time, man up, break up, and move on . . . respectfully.

So there you have it. My tried and true rules of the modern break-up D.C. style. I really don't have anything else for you guys this weekend; I'm just trying to make it to my birthday in one piece. God Willing. Shout to my girl --who's one of my favorite human-beings of all-time and fellow blogger-- Penny! I am elated to have you back and see that you're well. Take it easy this weekend. My birthday is Sunday and I need you to be around. More shouts go to my 11 good friends and family members who have birthdays in May. I love you all and stay groovy!!! 

Lastly, I almost forgot to add this in the installment (Thanks Mookie!!). As I said this morning on Twitter (@just_kristien), if you have to sit on the sofa and text slick shit/our business to your relative, girlfriend, or whomever about your man, and you are ALL in the same room, YOU ARE A FUCKING COWARD and disrespectful ... openly disrespectful! What type of signal does that send to your relative/friend? But, on a deeper level, how does punk-shit like that make your man feel? This is the type of tomfoolery that happens when an insecure, immature person is bored. Three things are bound to happen in this childish scenario laced with fuckery: 1) He's gonna leave your tired, cowardly ass there with your relative never to return because you alienated him and blatantly disrespected him IN FRONT of the third-party. Why would he want to be around you when you pull shit like that and smile in his face ... coward. See, he CHOOSES to commune around you and your relative; it's not a right or responsibility that he has to do so. 2) He's NOT gonna TRUST you because you are obviously putting HIS business out on the street to your relative/friend. You don't know how NOT to INCLUDE third-parties in your relationship? Are you fucking everybody in the damn room? Home business stays HOME PERIOD. How would he look no, better yet, how would YOU look to his daughter or best boy if HE were texting your business and slick shit across the room to his daughter or main man? How would YOU feel, coward? ...yeah, that's what I thought. 3) You MAY catch him in the wrong mood and ... well ... just know everyone doesn't take punk-ass, cowardly slights in stride. NOW GO RUN AND TEXT THAT TO WHOEVER. #MIRROREFFECT  <~~Thanks, Sis (Mookie) ... I love you! 

Anywho, enough addressing this lame, everyone have a pleasant and SAFE holiday weekend! If I told you not to drink too much I would be a hypocrite. But, if you're gonna do that, have someone else drive or catch a cab! In addition, as C.L. Smooth says, "Use ya condom and take sips of the brew!" Stay Groovy and God Speed!  <3 :-D

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist