Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Marion Barry...

So everyone has had their say about the great Marion Barry. *sighing* I'm dating myself but who cares? Marion Barry's story is almost Shakespearian, his tragic flaws were many BUT he served the city for 16 years...FOUR TERMS...AS MAYOR! It's a story about race and class as as it is about his personal charisma. The cat was so big, so excessive. It's very telling. We will never see another. He came from a divided Washington (which was very poor at the time, not the Gallery Place you see now. We used to trick there) and became our champion ... "The lost, the last, and the least" as he called us. Imagine if there was social media then? Marion REFUSED to conform to the EXPECTATIONS of politicians and popular beliefs. MB came from a civil rights background which essentially gave him street cred. He started out as a street agitator and went from a dashiki to a freaking suit -- that would be impossible today to so do and keep his credibility. Consider this: MB was voted-in BY WHITE WASHINGTON (not Ward 8 or anyone across the Sousa Bridge) initially. The Washington Post ENDORSED HIM his first term. He was several different mayors. Washington's Darling. The fucking mayor of K. Street. Remember, before MB MOST of downtown DC was burned-out shells, no shopping, tricking, Four Dudes, Cavaliers, Bullets Games. Nothing. Lest we forget the riots of '68. It's the MLK Library for a reason and Marion Barry put the damn thing there. He started the revitalizing of DC, don't get it fucked up. All those pretty big-butt white chicks with flip-flops, shades, and red-hair you see walking down 7th Street in June is because of Barry -- he brought white and Jewish investors back into downtown DC. I credit everything in my fucking life besides AUNT HONEY (MOMMA) to his most brilliant and UNPRECEDENTED move ... The Summer Youth Employment Program. 

Me and Derek Lovelace copped gigs at Clark Elementary I think. Barry singlehandedly put the work-spirit into a skinny, awkward, non-dressing bamma like me. Now I only ride German thanks to Marion Barry. There is practically no one who was born '71 forward who doesn't owe their careers to Marion Barry. FUCK HARVEY LEVIN AND TMZ. REAL TALK. Let's ponder this: Would there be a Mitchellville, Half-Note, Grace's, or an AFFLUENT Prince George's County full of well-heeled snobby negroes like myself without Marion Barry? Get the fuck outta here. Side note ~~> If Barry was Mayor during the time Pratt-Kelly was mayor ( her daughter had a FAT ass, worked in Benneton at Mazza Gallerie) the Redskins would be playing IN DC instead of that dump they call FedEx Field. Barry "walked the walked" and enriched everyone around him. My girl, Chelz (@isis360), tells a story about some lames she and her peeps were dating didn't believe she was down with MB. She told the negro to make a right at the corner, pulled-up and Barry came out and kicked-it with all of the kids. Real nigga style. Think about it: Mayor Kelly lived Uptown On 16th Street, Mayor Williams lived in Foggy Bottom, I can't remember the bald-headed, light-skin cat who brought everyone iPhones but he lived west of 16th Street. Barry lived as a pauper in SE DC... IN THE HOOD with the people. Barry steered FEDERAL MONIES into black businesses throughout the city which, in-turn, created the most affluent black suburb in the entire fucking United States of America -- Prince George's County. Check the facts. Upper Marlboro, Bowie (Woodmore North and South, Fairwood? We getting it), Mitchellville, Clinton. Negro what?

 All because of Barry. Barry was, if nothing else, effective. He struck fear in his peers. He pushed his agenda for the poor blacks through Congress as well as the city council. Fuck what ya heard. Barry was far more powerful than Congresswoman Norten (and I love her too!). Through all of his flaws, his addiction to wine, women, and song, Barry never enriched himself. He was for the people. He was a terrible manager of his own life, but an amazing manager of Washington, DC. We are newly gentrified but it wasn't on MB's watch. I'm signing-off until Monday minus check-ins. Be Peace. :-P 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Check's In The Mail: WHY THE NATIONALS ARE WORST THAN THEREDSKINS...


Here we go again. The Nats strike-out of the playoffs; the bullpen collapses; and "we have a bright future" ... "This is a stepping stone". Bullshit. Have we forgotten October 2012 and the debacle that was the 2013 season -- The SPORTS ILLUSTRATED COVER? The Nationals actually are more disappointing than the Washington Football Team (Man, that recent Southpark episode was EPIC!) and share an uncanny resemblance to the Washington Capitals. I see the Nationals becoming the the Chicago Cubs while the Orioles going in a Detroit Tigers direction if these sort of subpar Octobers become a running theme. 

Lets all be honest with ourselves and our fellow Washingtonian sports fans: No one expected the Redskins to be good this season let alone go to the Superbowl. Of course you have your delusional "die-hard" fan who thinks year after year we are playoff contenders. You know that guy in the office who has his cubical decked-out in burgundy and gold with the Doug Williams screensaver? Yeah, that guy ... the same guy who runs the office football pool who hounds you the buy your squares early every week. Cats like Mr. Redskin always have us in the running, but the more sensible fans knew we weren't going to be shit this season. Well, we knew the Superbowl was out of the conversation. Look, Orakpo has been injury-prone, overrated, and underachieving since he entered the league (Kerrigan is FAR better). Our defensive scheme doesn't fit our personnel (the 4-3 scheme is a better suited defense). Desean Jackson isn't earning his fat salary and has been somewhat of a letdown. And, lastly, RGIII is looking as if he may become a huge bust for what Daniel Snyder gave to acquire this guy. I know he got injured and things take time to pan-out given the nature of his injury. All I'm saying is RGIII looked like shit in preseason and BEFORE he got hurt THIS season. Lastly, as long as Dan Snyder owns the team we can expect mediocre results at best. Anywho, I flew-off on one and you have my apologies, cadets. I mentioned all of those things to re-enforce my theory that we never thought the Washington Football Team was any good to begin with, but we did have playoff aspirations for the Nationals and held them in high regard.

Honestly, the Nats are the better-looking younger cousin of the Washington Capitals and here's why: For nearly a decade the Capitals have teased us during the regular season with great promise and playoff-like game play, only to get to the playoffs and choke. If they aren't blowing three-game SERIES leads, they are blowing 3-point GAME leads and ultimately get kicked-out of the playoffs in grand style. Now think to the collapse in 2012 and this October's collapse and tell me these two don't share the same father, or they aren't at least first cousins. Okay, don't get me wrong as I love all of the home teams, but all of this "stepping stone", "building for the future", "We learned a lot this season" is bullshit...complete bullshit. Of all of the shit they learned during the season they never learned how to win when it counts. The Nationals haven't learned to refrain from reading their own press until after they hoist the World Series Trophy. Let's just hope that our beloved John Wall and his Wizards (Bullets) don't pull this same stunt.

Atticus Bojangles (Kris Clever or Pat)

Twitter: @Just_KrisBoogie
IG: FreakazoidPat
Email: Kriswdc@outlook.com

Sunday, August 24, 2014

HIP-HOP ISN'T DEAD, IT'S JUST BEING HELD HOSTAGE (Part One)

I’m going to cover three topics in this short blog: My own humble opinion regarding why hip-hop sucks. Ryan’s (a good friend) new single and EP, and my main man E.Color’s and I Twitter/Hip-Hop Digest’s “disagreement”. I may get at King Killa also (Hip-Hop Digest Show).

Lets do it...

What do Rakim, Biggie, Chuck D, World Supreme Team, Redman, Common, Wu-Tang, Latifah, and MC Lyte ALL share? Greatness, adoration, and classic hits. Agree? Okay, so now what do Chief Keef, Wale, Soulja Boy (Tell ‘em), French Montana, Bow Wow, Migos, Odd Future, Izzy Azeala, and quite a bit of everyone you hear on WPGC nowadays share? They’re wack. Then again there are the intermediate negroes such as Drake, Snoop, T.I., Naughty By Nature, and so forth. The state of music is in-flux, radio (save for sports talk) is something most from my generation can’t listen too, we consume music as different as night and day nowadays, and hip-hop (a favorite genre for many of us) is simply down the toilet except for a lot of the good underground stuff coming out of NYC and Western Europe.

There is more than enough blame to go around just as well a great many cats to attach said blame to, but the majority of the blame must head toward the “artist” e.g. Chief Keef, Bobby Smurda, and say French Montana. Let’s take Sousa (Chief Keef’s doppelganger) for instance. Here’s a kid who doesn’t TRULY love hip-hop in any form or fashion. He didn’t study Common, Lupe Fiasco, Kanye a.k.a. MR. KARDASHIAN, Kool G, or Plug One. Chief Keef only started rapping because it was cool and it was a time-killer between house arrest stints. Trust me. This kid wouldn’t be capable of naming you three tracks off of Lupe’s first album let alone “It Takes a Nation of Millions”. Chief isn’t wack solely because he’s unfocused and his production is trash; he’s mostly wack because he’s lazy, doesn’t study the masters, takes no time to take a seat and compose a coherent rhyme, and lacks reverence for culture of hip-hop.

So what about a cat like D.C.’s own Wale? Why is a guy who has access to high-class production and a reasonably large budget wack? *sighing* I dropped a blog two years back addressing the state of DMV Hip-Hop and got my Twitter and email blown-up. Cats here in Chocolate City just loathe to hear the truth which is: DC IS SO THIRSTY TO HAVE SOMEONE “RELEVANT” ON THE RADIO THAT THEY’LL BACK ANYONE. Wale is simply not a dope MC ... The young man is wack. Now this is not to assert that Wale is a bad guy or is without talent, but I know better MC’s here in DC who aren’t making an attempt to enter the commercial scene that spit better. Wale doesn’t know if he wants to become an Ibex Go-Go Rapper or a truly dope MC, that go-go style rap cadence only works when backed by a go-go band. He’s overrated here in the city in my humble opinion.

Another glaring issue with hip-hop today is that there is no artist development by the labels anymore. Back in the day labels took time to groom an LL Cool J, Big Daddy Kane, Fugees, Tribe, and many others. Long gone are the days of an established act taking new label mates “under their wing” and “showing them the ropes”. As Pop Walker would say “Boy, the blind can’t lead the blind”,  what type of advice could Meek Mill give Wale aside from who’s the very best weed man in South Philly? Seriously. At the risk of sounding my age, you just can’t replace many of the old, reliable conventions if you desire sustainable success. But that’s the business model for hip-hop and most musical genres ... Give a kid 750k advance, surround him with 21 of his boys (long hair, skinny jeans, ass and draws hanging out, dancing with one another), shoot a video, and feed him to the wolves. If they become hot and drop ONE hot single Interscope have recouped their money as there are no big budget videos, big-budget promotion, cost-consuming artist development and such.

We can keep on about radio (Clear Channel, Ebro, Sirius, Etc.), old school vs. new school but what's the use? With the Jay-Z's and Hip-Hop Digests of the game taking the coveted 360 deals (I kid, I kid, E.Color!!!!) and Mac Miller having the independent game on smash together with those of his own ilk. The MC's in-between, and especially the underground MC's, get to be held hostage by a combination of politics, fuckery, laziness, and not being properly schooled in the art-form. Furthermore, petty squabbles and beefs don't move the culture along either. Game vs. Lil Durk, French Montana vs. Migos, Drake vs. Chris Brown ... who gives a fuck? These petty beefs detract from the quality of the music. Speaking of the quality of music, the quality of the content of the tracks we are hearing is another reason for the recent slump in ALL GENRES of music. Drake's whining, Wayne's whatever he does, and French Montana just not being capable of flowing period (yes, Wale is in a better condition ... waaaay better.)leads me to contend they aren't writing any rhymes -- everyone thinks they can "come off the top". Get the fuck outta here. We can continue but I don't have the solution, and I don't think a particular one person does. Personally, I think it's gonna get a lot worse before we consistently start hearing product of quality as we did in the 80's and 90's.


E.Color and Curt G. *sighing* man-o-man ... how are you not going to have "Fiddy" in the firm? Look, I'm not a "Fiddy" dick-rider but you cats are going on personality and not qualifications. "Fiddy's" CV can stand-up to any one of the present members of the HHD Firm. I think there's some hateration taking place in the lab. "Fiddy" should have gone into the firm before the good doctor. Two words: Vitamin Water. "Fiddy" has been living that 100mil. life for quite a while now, and his dough isn't on some #360 shit. Two more words: Diverse Ventures. "Fiddy" is getting record money, ACTING money, Vitamin Water money, headphone money, t-shirt money to name several. You can't deny his CV and portfolio, Color! He can be that joker who works from home and just gets to quarterly and emergency meetings. *laughing* The other "partners" don't have the obligation to see your boy. Y'all was on some old gang-up on Killa shit. SPEAKING of Killa, I ain't saying ... BUT i'm just saying whatever happened precisely to the PHANTOM Questionmark Asylum VINYL he was supposed show us? ...take your time, I'll wait. 

Lastly, I was blessed, by my good fellow Ryan, with the distinction of hearing one of the better EP's this summer. It's a mixture of several different styles in view of the fact that he has lived in very different regions of the states (He has a track titled PAULA DEEN!). The production is on-point and is better than a lot of the drill and trap track i hear coming out of the south and Chicago. I would say the album isn't perfectly balanced but i suppose this is due I was given a very early copy of the work. When it's finally mixed-down and engineered we will be looking at a solid product. The stand-out track is titled "Light it up" which I'm positive will bang on radio and in any club, strip joint, rented Bentley and side-piece's home in america. I will have more info on the album title and release date in the coming weeks.

Well, it's roasted chicken, cauliflower, stuffing, and iced-tea this evening along with some football (and maybe Madden) this evening. I'm back now, Cadets! All it took was for me to write one, shake-off the dust, and get the blog bug once more. I'll return next Sunday...

Be Peace and God Bless,

Atticus Bojangles (The Hedonist)

IG: FreakazoidPat
Twitter: Just_KrisBoogie (Atticus BoJangles)

http://hedonisticrantings.blogspot.com/2011/04/special-report-dcs-lack-of-thriving.html


Thursday, November 28, 2013

Tale of Two Cowards: Sammy and Nicole

Since today is the official start of the holiday season I would like to wish you all a wonderful holiday and best wishes to you and your family. I swear that this has been one heck of a year consisting of way more highs than lows. God is Good ( or whom/whatever you believe). Anywho, now that the small talk is out of the way i’ve several things i’d like to chat with you about…


Robert Greene (the GREAT Robert Greene) tells us to never submerge ourselves in another person’s petty squabbles and arguments -- always find a way to remain neutral. In some instances this can seem almost impossible to do so, especially when family is involved. I rarely, if ever, lose my cool even in the most trying of circumstances, and i’m not losing my cool presently. I will simply not allow a lame, no car, gear, or degree having, non-boxing son-of-a-ghettojersey-bitch runamuck and insult those I love. In addition, I refuse to allow his NC, overweight, Backpage.com Prositute (TRUE SHIT), sidekick/girlfriend assist him in his FB/Twitter fuckery. The pair of you aren’t actually worth the 17mins. of effort it takes to pound-out this short blog, but you need a mirror put before you in hopes of you going into introspection and reflection.


First, Samuel, you should never start quarrels with folk that know your business let alone the ability black your eye and straighten your cosmetically challenged teeth. Son, I know you and I know you reasonably well. I remember on a Friday when we first met how lame your jobless ass looked sitting on my sister’s plush leather sofa playing Rock Band. Dirty grey sweatpants (that you STILL OWN and SPORT), dirty socks, dirty white tee just looking all-around sad and dirty. I remember two weeks later you calling me copping pleas NOT to come whip your lame ass for pouring beer on my sister and abusing your wife. Remember, that was the night the Redskins beat Dallas and I kissed your wife like I SAID I would do if the Redskins won … and you did nothing as I suspected your coward ass wouldn’t. I was there when my sister got the restraining order and put your ass out of HER place and you came back with a police escort BEGGING for and Xbox and a change of clothes. Negro, you didn’t have a place to stay, tell me EXACTLY WHERE were you gonna play the Xbox? Mr. Gibson you have no knuckle game whatsoever so I cram to understand why you insist on being a Twitter gangster, Ty Strokes? I venture a guess that because you’re a coward and an abuser you have to resort to such tactics. Oh, and Samuel just because you’re not physically abusing your wife presently doesn't wipe your record clean. NEWSFLASH: Child Neglect is a form of mental abuse also. Yes! You learn something new everyday, don’t you -- well, maybe not YOUR per se.


Nevertheless, your neglect of your two boys result in mental scars that never heal and remain throughout their adult lives. These mental scars are a fast track to low self-esteem and counterproductive habits. Look, buying a kid Call of Duty and an iPod once a year isn’t support of the youngster, especially when he NEEDS A WINTER COAT AND HAS TO WEAR ONE OF MY SISTER’S NORTHFACE JACKETS. Your youngest came over to my crib and I fed him, gave him gear and FRESH KICKS, AND MONEY TO PARTY AT DAVE & BUSTERS the next day. Where was your soft, lame ass? I coached your oldest boy on interview tactics and took him to get his first job and gave him clothes for the movie theater gig. You, my morally challenged friend, wouldn’t even send him a pair of dress socks. *sighing* Alas, I’m beating a dead horse with this exercise, aren’t I? Let’s talk about YOU now, how about that? How is it a 45 year-old man in 2013 has no drivers license and roaches in his apartment? When you DO have a gig you never can manage to send your kids any dough and this perturbs all parties involved. Where’s all the temp job money going, Sammy? You don’t have a whip because you’re so far behind on support no one’s fucking with you. i.e. you can’t get a license. You’re nothing to look at and that’s because you have no gear or orthodontist (no insurance). You live in a rat’s nest of a home in PG County so where do the little nigga coins you make go, Big Pimping? That little porn company you manage is a joke because it’s dominated by your very mediocre escort girlfriend, some other fat chick, and an old white-chick (don’t get me wrong, friends … Kris loves him some white women. Ask Sharon and Mookie). My nephew makes more at his Target gig in two months than you make ALL YEAR. Stop spending your money on Xbox Points, Coffee, and Lupe Fiasco CD’s and do the right thing for once in your useless, uneventful life, B! C’mon, this is getting old, talking shit about my sister and your ex-wife on Twitter. What part of the game is that? Even if they are taunting you with the truth be the bigger man by ignoring them and doing the right thing by your five kids. You being this far behind on child support but buying video games only validates their torment of you. Are you going to be lame all of your life? Lastly, Sammy, if you have a problem you can contact me and we discuss this over some concrete and NOT on Twitter. Man-up, Sammy, and you can even bring your bitch. Speaking of your trollop…


Nicole (Mocha Ecstasy) or whatever your call yourself (what’s your name on backpage again?), who are you to speak anything harsh on ANY member of my family? You should concentrate on taking care of your own dirty-ass kids and giving them a better living environment and female role-model. What type of mother of TEENAGE BOYS brags on Twitter that she’s a felon, prostitute, porn-actress, and smokes weed -- seems like YOUR MOMMA didn’t RAISE YOU in the proper manner, that or your pops fled the scene. It’s sad but I understand the matter: He wishes your mother would have swallowed you and your siblings, as she was directed, instead of trying to be cute and changing the plan. Shit happens, Babes, unfortunately that shit turned out to be YOU. What are your already socially stagnated boys gonna think of YOU when they realize their momma is who she is today? Look, I’m the father of ALL scoundrels and I’m better than no other human-being on this earth (expect Samuel Gibson), but there’s levels to this shit. There’s a difference between a scumbag and an ABSOLUTE scumbag, which you two are. The funny thing is that, like your lame-ass boyfriend, you’re really not trying to straighten anything out -- you type what sounds good, menacing, and profound on Twitter. All talk. I’m too old to condone violence of any type, form, or fashion, but you don’t speak venom on anyone’s deceased parents without facing potential repercussions. Straight Talk. You’re not doing yourself any favor as far as looking like a proper woman, Nicole, and you’re setting an awful example going forward for your kids. Now, I know you’re gonna take to Twitter with rants, insults, and other such tomfoolerly, Fric and Frac. I would suggest that you refrain from such antics. First of all, you’re not gonna take it to the stage for real as the pair of you are Twitter Gangsters. Next, I’m smarter and more educated than the both of you combined, I live MUCH better, I make more money, I’m fresher (check my Instagram), I’m a better cook (did i say I’m smarter?), and your sucker, wife-beater of a man ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WHIP ME. Lastly, I don’t care with you say or think, and I’m gonna be a hypocrite, I say this because I AM better than the BOTH of you lames. You need each other, porn, and Twitter to justify your lowly, dead-end existence. You result to baseless insults to impress your other deviant friends and make them believe you’re something that you aren’t. Cut it out. Nicole, if you didn’t sell pussy online and video yourself giving blow jobs your own mother probably wouldn’t like you. And, Sam … well, no one likes you period. Your mother and brother are proof of that. *sighing*


Well, I sincerely hope that your holiday is peaceful, pleasant, and productive … I really do. I hope you’re angered enough to do some introspection and reflection and cut the bullshit. I don’t need or desire a rebuttal from the pair of you because i simply care. Besides, I would more than likely acquire a headache reading the shit judging by the way you write on Twitter. *laughing* God Bless (If that’s your thing).


The Hedonist

PS - Took me 24mins. but it’s all good…


PS Again - Oh, i didn't mention lame-ass Nicole BLASTED ON TWITTER she had a Chrysler 300 "brought and paid for" all the while it was some negro's ride she was tricking with. Oh, you thought I didn't know about that, huh, Mocha? *laughing* #LAMENESS

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Misadventures of a Shit Talker -- The Saga Continues.


Dear Family (Real Family, not Overweight, Scamming, Unemployed, Human-Traffickers and others), Friends, Haters, Stalkers, Disgruntled Ex's and their overweight, big-foot girlfriends:  

Please excuse the lapse in quality material as of lately, I really haven't had much to say as of lately. Nevertheless, I do have a NEW BLOG for you to enjoy and new focus ... in other words I'M BACK! ~~~> NEW BLOG (CLEVERHIPPIEHEDONIST) 

I'll do something once a month here but the above is the new spot for laughs, advice, and slick-talk. I would get over there too ... I'm naming names, places in Bowie and other parts of Maryland, and transgressions. See ya there! 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist
www.twitter.com/just_kristien 
Email -- kriswdc@outlook.com

Sunday, March 31, 2013

PSA #1179 for All Religions, Races, Creeds, and Color

*SIGHING* It burns me up when when so-called "smart" people tweet/post inaccurate information to the masses in order to insult a particular group of people. It's even more annoying when this person is a belligerent, grand-standing atheist.

First, Easter isn't "based on the Egyptian God Horus", dumb-ass...Read a book for a change instead of ear-hustling at the coffee house. Easter was originally the celebration of ISHTAR the Assyrian and Babylonian Goddess of Fertility and Sex. Oh, and btw, eggs and rabbits have nothing to do with Horus, Egypt, Christ, or any resurrection. Eggs and Rabbits were (and still are) symbols of fertility and sex. After Constantine decided to take the Roman Empire the Christian route, EASTER (Ishtar) was changed to represent Jesus. True story.

Look, I don't knock what anyone does or who they pray to, peeps. Never have and never will. In my opinion, Easter like Christmas is about children and family, wine and food, warm days and make up sex ... Life's good sh*t. I find it tacky and just plain mean to attack people on their day of religious festivities because you don't believe as they do. Well, believe in nothing in your lame-ass case. It's negroes like you who shouldn't be allowed Facebook and Twitter accounts. Just because them because those Caucasian cats up north giving your slut-ass a little rhythm and running through you doesn't make you anymore attractive than when you left Chocolate City. *laughing* [End of Rant]

In other news, a new line of blogs is dropping this week "The Misadventures of a Shit-Talker" be ready. I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! :-D <3 br="">
Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

www.twitter.com/just_kristien
Kriswdc@outlook.com





Tuesday, September 11, 2012

BABIES AND FOOLS: White Sinners and Black Saints



You see, this below is the type of hard-headed fuckery that makes me think I’m wasting my time with this whole advice column shit. Read on.

Chris,

I went to an online Christian dating service, and one of the men (who went to my church) contacted me, and we e-mailed back and forth for a bit. He was the first white guy I’ve dated. As you may want to know I’m black (you see me at Bar Louie’s and Matchbox on occasion). I got an E-mail request to text him and meet him at one of the local U. Street dives to listen to a band play. He told me he was a musician with a Jazz-type band, so I knew we had the love of music in common. I got there, and he had been drinking a bit, but I didn’t realize how much.

I found him very attractive, and I felt extremely lonely. My only daughter left that day, as she was accepted to a school in another state, and I felt very alone. He decided that he wanted to come back to my apartment. We had a nice time talking; he said some inappropriate things about his libido, but I over looked them. He then said he wanted to kiss me. We ended up in my bedroom.

Afterward, he appeared a bit cold and left. I never heard from him, so I texted him a message and he replied back to me that he was really embarrassed about what had happened, that it wasn’t like him to do something like that, and he blamed the alcohol. Although, he was able to drive home that night - go figure. He’s a P.G. County Police Officer, so be careful on the road, ladies. He told me never to mention what happened to anyone, and that he was moving on and really didn’t want to have anything to do with me again.

I was just sick, and my spirit was ripped to shreds. I only hope this person does not repeat his behavior again with any other vulnerable women. I warned him not to hurt anyone or bring his messes into the lives of innocent women. I still feel like a piece of garbage, small, vulnerable, and distraught. It just feels so horrible being used, and I am working on getting rid of the baggage from this situation. Your opinions/advice about moving on would be very welcomed, Handsome.

Nita

Two things, Nita: 

1) My name is spelled with the letter "K", my dear ... get it straight.

and

2)Are you some sort of stalker? How do you know my drinking spots, NAME, and how to find my blog? It's very unlikely -- given the fact that you're not my usual curvy, brunette, blue-eyed "type"-- but did I get drunk and fuck you too?

Nevertheless, I have to say I'm very, very disappointed in you, Nita, as it's quite safe to assume you read my blog regularly. This means that you have access to all this fucking good game that I give away and jewels I drop 24 by 7. *sighing* You should know better, Love, but if you want me to lay it out here goes.

I have several issues with your entire thought process beginning with the "Christian Dating Service" thing. What would make you think a Jesus Match.com wouldn't have dogs, players, and pimps running a muck on said site? Negroes that go to church love pussy too, and some of them like brown-eye (mostly the pastors with the muscle-shirts and finger waves). There's no doubt in my mind that 80 percent of your male congregation are single and they get their helmets polished-off just as much (or maybe more) than that cat playing golf while you're in church on Sunday and Weds. evenings. Are you hurt more so knowing you found a playa-pimp on your respected JesusMatch.com? What's Moses does thorough background checks on these cats and mails a money back guarantee and Starbucks Gift Cards to everyone? Look, honey, I know guys that patrol sites like those looking for gullible, easy young ladies like you. The name of the site means nothing, Nita, remember that. Think about it. Big white girls sign-up for bigwhitegirls.com (read: Plenty of Fish) because they feel they're gonna be more "accepted" and stand a better chance of getting a date on bigwhitegirls.com (Plenty of Fish). And slick-talking Negroes are quite abreast of this fact, so they stand post almost religiously, on said sites, seeking good chubby pussy and riches. No bullshit. 
She needs love too!

Next, I would like address the fact that you pointed out this cat was white. What does his color have to do with any of this fuckery? Doctors come in all colors and sizes, so do P.G. Cops, pedophiles, strippers, priest(pedophiles), engineers, and pimps. Now lemme get this shit straight: You met a white boy, from your church, on JesusMatch.com and somehow thought he would treat you better because he's white, knows the Ten Commandments, and has an incredible Miles Davis vinyl collection? Nita, really?

So, you go into this bar (probably Chi-Cha Lounge) to listen to some jazz with this Christian white boy and he's ALREADY fucked-up. Instead of telling him your standards scream to you that it's inappropriate for him to be lit-up before you even get there, you sit down WITH him and get smashed too! SMFH. Now this snowballs into a request to go to your crib and do what, Nita? FUCK that's what ... Old Boy wanted to fuck. Fun Fact: When a girl and guy meet at a bar to get smashed and the idea is tabled to head back to her crib, Nita, 99.9 percent of the time dude is gonna get some ass -- at the VERY least a nice blowjob if she's on her period and you're not into that sorta thing. *wink-wink* 

Where the drunken magic goes down...
Moving on, drunken nature takes it's course. He beats it up for a while then high-tails it out the door and later tells you that he wants nothing to do with you. I, personally, think Pope White Boy has a girl friend but I will go into that later...Well, to hell with it, why wait until later? Nita, either the sex wasn't good or he has a girl period. I mean, why would a county police officer risk his career driving all the way home drunk when he can lay-up with some ass all night? Huh? ...I'll wait. *glancing at watch* Anywho, you broke the FIRST RULE in online dating, Chica, which is NEVER DROP THE PANTIES ON THE FIRST NIGHT OUT. NEVER! Even if you want a fuck buddy let the joker wait until next weekend; give him something to think about and work towards. The truth is he treated you like a slut and slutted you out, Nita, BUT you put yourself in that embarrassing position. Any chance of him respecting you went out of the window when you didn't put him out the moment he told you his dick was hard. He knew he had you. I'm not gonna pile on you, love, as you already feel awful enough. What I will say is you made the mistake of not setting parameters for YOURSELF on the date. I tell my female buddies install a four-sided fence around themselves on first dates. 

Side-one: NO SEX 

Side-two: NO DRINKING IN EXCESS

Side-three: HE'S NEVER TO COME TO YOUR CRIB

Side-four: MEET INDIVIDUALLY and LEAVE SEPARATELY

This "fence" not only could potentially SAVE YOUR LIFE but it will also protect you from heartaches, illegitimate kids, angry wives, crazy baby mommas, and the embarrassment that you feel presently. Look, we all make mistakes and no one is perfect, so don't beat yourself up too much. Think about this: What would you advise your daughter who went to school out-of-state to do on a first date? Exactly. As we get older we need to be getting wiser and better not played. And, by all means, change your thought processes, Sweetie ... race and religion doesn't make a good person. I know we have our preferences in who we allow in our lives, but if you don't think shit through, you're gonna end up taking the BAD WITH THE GOOD, Nita. Hope this helps and check me at the bar one day. We'll find you someone decent. :-D

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist
www.twitter.com/just_kristien 

Monday, August 13, 2012

BABIES AND FOOLS: CHAD JOHNSON


Wow. 2.5 more weeks and the summer is going to be a thing of the past, huh? Where does all the time go? It seems as if last week I was having a welcoming in another birthday, now I’m thinking about a Labor Day Jam. Gee Whiz...

Anywho, I am a true believer in “balance” and its place and influence in Human Civilization. But as my studies of “balance” over my adult life have taught me: The Law of Balance can be a blessing and a curse. Take a second, sit back on your sofa, in your chair at your work desk, or on that couch at Starbucks, and think for a couple of minutes about all of the people that you know with good common sense. You got a picture in mind? Okay, now I will bet you lunch at Rosa Mexicano’s that you know almost an equal amount of pathetic idiots who make decisions, that force you to scratch your head, let out a sigh and say “What the fuck?” These are and can be family members, friends, friends of friends, co-workers, or some random guy or girl from the street. I know people in my personal life that make me cringe when I think of the shit that they do and behaviors they repeat that keep them broke and in drama. A lot of you don’t know these people but some of you do so I will come back to them and give an example of someone we all know – our friend Chad “Ocho-Cinco” Johnson.

For those of you who aren’t aware of this buffoon, Chad Johnson, at one point was one of the NFL’s Top Eight wide receivers. Physically, he was (and still may be) an immense talent rivaled by very few, but Chad has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer … and the fact that he couldn’t grasp and understand the New England’s Patriots offensive scheme proves as much but that's another story. In fairness, no one ever proclaimed Chad as the next Albert Einstein, not even Chad himself. What I am saying is that over the past couple of years Number 85 hasn’t exercised one once of common sense.

First, he decides to "wife" a reality show hooker whose only claim-to-fame is being a gold-digging skeezer. Let’s call a spade a spade, my friends: The ONLY reason Evelyn is where she is today is because she allowed several basketball players to run through her and had kids by one of those idiots and, VIOLA, BASKETBALL WIVES FAME. So not only does Chad PUBLICLY make a hoe he smashed on the FIRST DATE ON VH-1(world-wide television) his wifey – This nincompoop MARRIES this broad. I know the great Kanye West said “I don’t care what none of y’all say, I still lover her”, but damn, Chad, Yeezy was fucking joking!

Okay, gang, let’s fast-forward to last Friday afternoon. Chad’s dumb-ass gets caught with a receipt for a box of condoms. Yeah … I know, fellas, I know. This fact only re-enforces my assumption that Chad is an idiot with absolutely NO common sense. Where dey do dat at? Chad, really, dawg? First, what the hell are you doing with the receipt, fool?! You throw that away out front along with the box and CVS bag, right, fellas? *SMDH* Second, you’re supposed to have a stash over one of your single boy’s cribs. Better yet, you’re Chad Johnson; your jump-off’s supposed to have the rubbers in the night stand or top drawer ready to go. It isn’t like you’re buying pussy off of the strip, Chad, right? Are you? *sighing* I wouldn’t put it past you, Number 85.

Moving on, so Chad (who we’ve just established that he’s no Steve Jobs) and his ran-through wife get into an argument over HIS fuckery, and he decides to pull a Hulk Hogan and head butts the hoe. Bad move. Chad, there’s no two ways about it lover what you did was inexcusable. You had no business putting your hands (head) on your wife, conceded hoe or not. Negro, you got caught with condoms! What was she supposed to think given she KNOWS you’re an idiot and you’re likely pull some stunt of infidelity – that’s why she hurried and married you, Chad! Trust me, after you had another sub-par season with the Dolphins and they cut you; she was taking half of that salary (and whatever else she could) and bounce on your goofy-ass.

 Nevertheless, Chad, you should have walked away from the argument and chilled for a bit – even if she hit you first. You’re 6’3”, 220 lbs., Chad and she was no match for you on any level (other than she’s way smarter than you). What did you gain from losing your rag and trying to knock the girl out…a weekend in jail? Look, fellas, this is the blueprint of what NOT to do in such situations. This Negro now has no job, no wife, no reality show, and is restrained from his own fucking home now. *smdh* Young MC said it best “You got no money, you got no car, you no woman and there you are”

Yep, you may have just blown it all, Number 85 in one weekend. I know that the messenger always get shot but I feel it’s my civic duty as an American, and my manly duty as a father-figure, Chad. See, I’m everyday people and I meet people where they are in life. Using this approach I’m a little something to everyone; I can shake your hand firm like a man and talk to you like a son. The reality of this sad scenario is that YOU, Chad, are the ultimate loser. You now have a WIFE BEATER sign hanging on your back, you may not get another NFL gig, and she’s gonna garner the public sympathy while cashing-in on another season of Basketball Hoes Wives. Actually, Evelyn may get her OWN reality show quiet as kept, while all Number 85 gets is 86'd from the Miami Dolphins. *SMFH*

So, getting back to my initial point, even though we need balance in this world, this is a prime example of what the tarnished side of the “common-sense coin” looks like. You would think that common-sense is something that’s supposed to be innate in all human beings but, strangely and sadly, this is not the case. Let’s all just hope everyone lands on their feet and happy endings are in store. Domestic violence never has a positive effect on anyone involved. And as dumb as Chad Johnson is and conniving as Evelyn may be they are both are, as I always say, Human After All…

My NEXT Babies and Fools Blog will be on STEVIE J!

The Hedonist
www.twitter.com/just_kristien

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Sex and Candy: Birthday Boy Special Edition


Birthday Boy in the hiz-zouse, Cadets, and I am back to talk my shit again! Do you realize that I haven't dropped a full-length blog on you guys since February? WTF is wrong with me these days? Well, it's was a rhetorical statement but the simple answer is nothing other than getting money and preparing for May 27th. So I'm looking in my ridiculously overflowing blog folder in my gmail (patrickristien@gmail.com) to find something TO blog about and i am noticing a reoccurring theme: People's break-ups are becoming nastier and nastier. I'm talking fist-fights, scratched rides, best friends getting sloppy seconds and all that good stuff -- shit that you absolutely can't make up. Folks (ESPECIALLY ALL OF YOU GROWN FOLKS!) cut all of the rigmarole out! The Hedonist is going to help you out ... on MY birthday weekend! I know, the shit I do to amuse you while dropping some knowledge at the same time. 

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, counselor, Baptist Minister, shoulder to cry on, Judge Judy, or pimp ... well, maybe by blood but you're missing my point. My advice is from my own meandering experience and it's not full-proof. I just give it to you raw and uncut like an uncircumcised Jamaican practicing unsafe sex. Enjoy! 
:-D


In 2003 my ex broke up with me out of nowhere. The fellas think I just missed the signs. But believe me: I’ve replayed the entire relationship in my head. There were no red flags. We were practically living together when she dropped the breakup bomb during an episode of Taxi Cab Confessions. Our year of dating ended in less time than it takes to collect a free Slurpee from 7-11 in July. I gave a year of my life and all I got was 20 minutes of “Sorry, I never meant to hurt you.” Plus, she ruined Taxi Cab Confessions forever.
I did think she was “the one.” We’d just gotten back from a vacation with her entire family, where she brought up the M word. I felt like my happily ever after was on its way. Yes, my pride was shattered. I mean all of the steady jump-off ass I kicked to the curb and new ass I missed out on.  But the truth is, I’m not angry that she left; just mortified at how she left. Do yourself (and your soon-to-be-ex) a favor and follow these steps to the other kind of happy ending. **wink-wink** What’s in it for you? She’ll be less likely to turn crazy. I’ve been there, too. 

Rule #1: Don’t say “I’m sorry” and “I never meant to hurt you” over and over again. They are empty phrases unless you can tell the broad why. Give them words. If you want to minimize the possible crazy reaction, talk to her before you run away. If you run, you are a fucking coward. If you text, you are a coward. Same goes for email and any form of social media. Period. You have no right to call someone crazy when you didn’t give them answers.

Rule #2: Break up with her when you really want to do it. Don’t hold out to spare her feelings, or your pride, or whatever the hell you’re sparing. Most often, chicks sense when there’s trouble in paradise. They'll then try to change your mind before you bring up any issues, which will be annoying to you—and really annoying to them when you dump THEM anyway. Just get’er done . . . in person!

Side note: We delay for two reasons: 1) We’re waiting for someone better to come along. Not cool, we realize, but it happens. 2) More likely, we’re not sure breaking up is the right thing to do. Women have the rep for being finicky, but guys are just as bad. One fight and we want to run into the arms of the cute Starbucks barista. But one great dinner together, or romp in the hay with you, and we’re fully invested again. At the risk of coming across like an old married guy, I regret to inform you that the idea of THE ONE is complete fallacy. We’re all compatible with hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of people. Successful relationships are the result of timing, not magic. No bullshit. 

Rule #3: Do not contact her the next day to ask how she’s doing. You know how she’s doing. Even if you have the best intentions, we know you’re just seeking assurances that you’re not a terrible person. It’s too early for that. You’ll just make us feel worse. Let her reach out to you if she wants to. You made a decision that you believed was right. And that’s okay! Let her deal with it in her own time. Frankly, she may come to the same conclusion you did.

Rule #4: Keep your distance. If you want her to get over you, give her the space to do so. Don’t go to bars you know she frequents. Don’t hang out with her family. Don't fuck her friends (even the curvy, grey-eyed brunette!). Don’t keep her as a Facebook friend. Again, she doesn’t want to see you; she wants to move on. Caveat: If you notice she’s everywhere you are, then she’s following you. As I said, I’ve been there.

Rule #5: Know which of these rules to break. Then there’s this. Every woman is different. Every relationship is different. Every breakup is different. The rules are really just forms of respect. You know her as well as anyone, so you should know which lines not to cross. It’s okay to want to be friends with someone you once loved, but in this situation, she comes first. (Please tell me that, by now, you’re good at letting her come first.) Look, fellas, all you can control is how YOU handle the situation. You can’t control how she reacts to it. At that point, your job is done. Fact is, if you can’t break up like a man, you shouldn’t be dating. So next time, man up, break up, and move on . . . respectfully.

So there you have it. My tried and true rules of the modern break-up D.C. style. I really don't have anything else for you guys this weekend; I'm just trying to make it to my birthday in one piece. God Willing. Shout to my girl --who's one of my favorite human-beings of all-time and fellow blogger-- Penny! I am elated to have you back and see that you're well. Take it easy this weekend. My birthday is Sunday and I need you to be around. More shouts go to my 11 good friends and family members who have birthdays in May. I love you all and stay groovy!!! 

Lastly, I almost forgot to add this in the installment (Thanks Mookie!!). As I said this morning on Twitter (@just_kristien), if you have to sit on the sofa and text slick shit/our business to your relative, girlfriend, or whomever about your man, and you are ALL in the same room, YOU ARE A FUCKING COWARD and disrespectful ... openly disrespectful! What type of signal does that send to your relative/friend? But, on a deeper level, how does punk-shit like that make your man feel? This is the type of tomfoolery that happens when an insecure, immature person is bored. Three things are bound to happen in this childish scenario laced with fuckery: 1) He's gonna leave your tired, cowardly ass there with your relative never to return because you alienated him and blatantly disrespected him IN FRONT of the third-party. Why would he want to be around you when you pull shit like that and smile in his face ... coward. See, he CHOOSES to commune around you and your relative; it's not a right or responsibility that he has to do so. 2) He's NOT gonna TRUST you because you are obviously putting HIS business out on the street to your relative/friend. You don't know how NOT to INCLUDE third-parties in your relationship? Are you fucking everybody in the damn room? Home business stays HOME PERIOD. How would he look no, better yet, how would YOU look to his daughter or best boy if HE were texting your business and slick shit across the room to his daughter or main man? How would YOU feel, coward? ...yeah, that's what I thought. 3) You MAY catch him in the wrong mood and ... well ... just know everyone doesn't take punk-ass, cowardly slights in stride. NOW GO RUN AND TEXT THAT TO WHOEVER. #MIRROREFFECT  <~~Thanks, Sis (Mookie) ... I love you! 

Anywho, enough addressing this lame, everyone have a pleasant and SAFE holiday weekend! If I told you not to drink too much I would be a hypocrite. But, if you're gonna do that, have someone else drive or catch a cab! In addition, as C.L. Smooth says, "Use ya condom and take sips of the brew!" Stay Groovy and God Speed!  <3 :-D

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist


Friday, February 3, 2012

Facebook and Twitter Etiquette for Bootleg Adults - Bama Shit

Ayo! It's your boy The Hedonist back in full-effect but in a hurry at present. I just had to drop this revised version of my much beloved Facebook and Twitter Etiquette for Bootleg Adults, because either some of you Negroes need a refresher or simply don't know.

I'm so sick of all the PERSONAL DRAMA, FUCKERY, RIGMAROLE, and CRIES FOR ATTENTION I hear on Facebook AND Twitter -- I'm sicker than Ne-Yo is sick of love songs. I am also sick of ignorant folk talking reckless from behind a laptop, PUBLIC LIBRARY COMPUTER, or Blackberry/iPhone in someone's comment box.

As this is a working document and has been amended several times the newer etiquette rules are closer to the bottom. Enjoy! 

1.When someone changes their Facebook relationship status do not post questions or comments on their wall.


2.Do not use your status message to have a passive aggressive argument with someone or to take a very immature side shot at someone. (I have encountered this problem and it's annoying as people think it's a clever thing to do, while in reality they end up looking silly and childish)

Helpful Tip: If you believe you are the recipient of status message shit-talk here's what you can do: In your main timeline, where the friend or relative's post is listed. Go to the upper right-hand corner and click on the "X" and you can hide their postings in your time-line. This way their immaturity, bad karma, and negative energy doesn't permeate your positive flow, and they are none the wiser. I've done this to several people and believe me it makes Facebook a MUCH better place for me. Because, at the end of the day, who cares about our petty squabbles with friends and "relatives"? Facebook is supposed to be a positive place of networking and reunion's.


3.If you don’t like someone on your buddy list for whatever reason, delete them and block them if necessary.

This also something that bugs me, FBF... if you don't like me or vice versa DELETE ME! Don't silently check my notes, relationship status, and daily posts you loser. YOU HAVE THAT MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS? Go to UMUC or Phoenix Online and get some business to attend to, loser. Facebook isn't going anywhere, but the folks pages that you are silently checking are being productive and doing things with their lives while you sit and watch.


4.Do not add people you don’t trust to your Facebook if your activity on Facebook is very private in nature.


5.Be careful with adding job networks and adding your actual company when you are one of those people with thousands of friends that you do not know.


6.If you are at or are going to a private function, do not announce it or the details of the function on Facebook if you wouldn’t want someone to coincidentally show up at said function.


7.Be mindful of posting about how much you love someone, some people on your friends list could be miserable or haters.


8.Do not continuously invite people to join your page if they have rejected the request.


9.Use the Hide feature to hide any status messages that are particularly obnoxious.

See Above - #2


10.Do not lie about your relationship status and be as transparent as possible with your page. If you are having to hide this or that from particular people, rethink your transparency and/or if that person should be on your list.



11.If you post foolishness on someone's page, don't take it personally when they delete it.



12. If you comment on someone else's post KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! There may be a PRIVATE JOKE or something going on that you are not privy too.




12b. DO NOT comment with crass or off-colored language on ANOTHER PERSON'S POST. It's immature and classless (is that a word?), and I will delete any "friend" who does it from here on in.




13. If you are gonna STEAL someone's status message/witty saying pls. note your source. Better yet, ASK FIRST before you go posting someone elses stuff. I have this problem quite often on FB and Twitter.



14. Once again, FACEBOOK IS NOT eHARMONY, MATCH.COM, OR BLACKPEOPLEMEET! Don't peruse your friend's pages for perspective dates and booty calls, that's tacky and shows that you have NO GAME!


15. If you have a heavy discussion or something important to tell a friend or relative INBOX them or have a code word. Do not post personal things on your friend's page for the world to see. Two of my sisters and I use this message method quite often.


16. If you're someone's mother, do not post pictures of you in your bra, panties, bra and panties, or being semi-nude on Twitter.


17. Fights on Twitter over men and women you've never met in-person are so Junior High School.


18. I can't stress this enough. Keep your personal issues with family, friends, and fuck buddies private. #notagoodlook  e.g.  Just because I didn't make it to your party is no one's business. It looks petty and childish trying to air-out a person in that manner -- especially if you're 40 and above.


19. Just because you see someone online (FB, Yahoo, Gtalk) doesn't mean they are available or want to talk to YOU. So don't be offended when your IM's are being ignored because you randomly decided to IM the person.

20. Be cautious when tagging people in PICTURES. In the case of vintage pictures, the person's past may be painful, or they may be ashamed of who they were. As far as outings (lounges, parties, gatherings), baby girl or dude may be creeping, running from child support, or somewhere they shouldn't be with someone they should NOT be with ... doing something that they should be doing! 


21.Stop Page Hustling! Just because two people are friendly and have pets names does not mean they are fucking, dating, or watching porn together. Mind your business. Get some business of your own. <~~ THIS IS CALLED "TREE-BOXING"


22. Please refrain from "jumping out the window" and commenting on things that you know nothing of. This can get you one of three things: 1) Your feelings hurt. 2) You physically harmed. or 3) BOTH! This is a very important rule because it saves you from a lot of hard-feelings between friends and family, and it may quite possibly save you from an ass-whipping proceeded by a good cursing-out. You see, you never know WHAT a person is going through and HOW they are going through it. What someone posts in their status box may one-eighth of the truth, you jump out the window with a reckless comment, and the people involved take your comment personally. Defend/support your girl-friends or guy-friends in private. As we say there in D.C. "That's some bama shit!" 


23. Do NOT post status messages that seek to garner sympathy or an opinion you want to hear. Simply put, once you do this not only do you look needy, if it isn't a complete story, you're "crying wolf". In addition, #22 can happen to your commentators.  As we say there in D.C. "That's some bama shit!"


24. No one really cares about your love-life, dates, break-ups, or prospective boyfriends. You look as if you need validation or your ego stroked. I see this quite often on Twitter. Look, you're an adult ... YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO GET A DATE AND/OR A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND!!! Right? As we say there in D.C. "That's some bama shit!"


25. This goes to significant others: You don't have to always make yourself known, okay? If a girl comments on something your guy says you don't have to piggyback the girl's comment just to make yourself known. Really ... you don't! As we say there in D.C. "That's some bama shit!"


Okay, there you have it, gang ... the revised list for the winter months. Once again, this is a working document, so feel free to submit any add-ons whenever you feel. Oh, by the way, my NEXT BLOG will be on loose-lips and sinking ships. It's amazing how some of you can't keep your mouths shut and tell all of your business. Well, mark my words ... I'm gonna have fun with this one. Cheating wives with infant daughters, lame baby daddies, Baltimore hotel rooms, and morning after pills. AND I'M NAMING NAMES! Owwwwwwwwww!


Well, I gotta blast-off now as I have a long day ahead of me, peeps. I hope all is well with friends, family, love, health, and money! <3 ;O)  God Bless and God Speed!


Your Old Pal,


The Hedonist
www.twitter.com/just_kristien



Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Sex and Candy (Your Questions): NAPPY DUGOUT & MILE-HIGH CLUB


I’m back one mo ‘gain, friends! ...yes, I’m here to talk my shit again if allowed and the powers at be don’t shut me down. Which, in such a case, I will start ANOTHER blog and re-post my present collection of jewels in a “BEST OF” column as I have them all saved in a secret location, in a secret safe, on my secret base. Nevertheless, the weekend was hot and cold as I sort of expected, gang. I ventured out of town and spent time with family and friends, and had three days of awesome food, but the Redskins LOST AGAIN and there was no Rock Star Sex. I know, right … what the hell was I thinking? Long story. Today we will address Milo’s unkempt girlfriend (He sent me pics) then venture over to Black Wayne whose drop-dead, gorgeous, dirty blond girlfriend (No bullshit, she is a WIN-NER … he sent me pics too.) made him a junior member of the Mile-High Club. After-which, we will address a lame named Samuel who’s just an all-around bag of uncut dicks who doesn’t support his five damn kids.

Random Rant: Look, I love you all who are my Facebook friends and family, BUT if ONE MORE of you send me a request to play another of the those sorry-ass, time-wasting, non-entertaining FACEBOOK GAMES? I am going to come to your place of employment and put my foot so far up your butt it’s gonna extend through your navel!! I’m am not kidding.

Let’s get back the our friends with problems and questions, shall we?

Dear Kris,

I’ve met my girl on www.blackpeoplemeet.com (she’s black and i’m white), and hit it off good for quite a long time. We became fast friends and the sex was awesome. We were compatible on every conceivable level and started talking about a long-term arrangement. Shortly after those conversations --slowly but surely-- things started to go downhill. I know you don’t like “sistas” but try to imagine hair that was done twice month being in the same ponytail for two months! And now she has to the nerve to be putting on weight along with her hygiene dropping. She doesn’t stink or anything but she knows I love it when it’s completely bald down there. “That” doesn’t stink either but she is a black woman and it can get quite nappy down there, you know? What I am asking is what should I do or what can i do to change my situation for the better? And try not to clown me like you do all of the other poor saps who write in.

Milo H.


Okay, Milo, lets get one thing straight: I never SAID that I didn’t like black women. What I SAID was I’ve ran through so many, in my younger years, that I have left them to rank amateurs such as yourself. It’s called evolution, Milo, and in this case my taste in women have evolved. What I eat doesn’t make anyone else shit so to each its own. *sighing* ...back to you, Milo.

Remember the first time you met your shorty? Didn’t you love those skintight jeans and the grill that made it possible to look her in the eyes? All of the dieting, Pilates, and expensive hair appointments transformed her into a beautiful chocolate brickhouse and a head-turner any street in Tucson, AZ. Now snap back to the present: It's a year later and an expired gym membership, several discount hair chops, and hundreds of weekends in extra large sweats later and your head-turning partner has become a head-scratching dilemma.

Truth be told, she’s letting herself go.

There could be a number of reasons why she’s letting herself go, but you don't have the time or the psychology degree to figure out all the ”whys.” You should, however, devise a plan to figure out how you are going to change her current attitude and smell, playboy.

Ask any woman and she will tell you “beauty is pain.” Not only does it mean that it hurts to stay attractive (Bikini wax anyone?) but that it's also a pain in her (once toned) butt to keep up the upkeep. So, now she’s letting herself go because it’s much easier to maintain the hygiene habits of an 11-year-old boy. Now her finger nails are short and dirty, she doesn’t shave (anywhere) often enough and she gets her hair cut and colored in salons that you wouldn’t take your Rottweiler to.

Get her feeling fresh and frisky: Buy her a gift certificate for a day at the spa. Find a place that specializes in the maintenance of all the female areas and buy certificates for specific treatments like facials, nails, waxing or massages or one general certificate and let her choose how she spends it. At least something will get groomed. Give it to her as a ”just because” gift and mention how she deserves to be pampered -- then casually hint that you like it when she is waxed and manicured (I DO).

It used to be that you couldn’t drag her out of Saks or Neiman’s. Now, she has traded in her designer attire for box-store discount duds. She has started to dress like a mom -- worse, she’s letting herself go and becoming your mom -- and it’s a major turnoff. The fact is that, just like men, at some point women care more about comfort than style and label. Also, if she has packed on more than a few pounds, she is going to pick clothes that she thinks will hide her extra weight. Unless, she has the mentality of one of those hoes on Mediatakeout.com who will wear anything and still thinks she looks good.

Get her dressed to kill: Offer to take her shopping on your dime. Help her pick out outfits by telling her exactly what clothes you like and don’t like on her. If she sees that you keep picking tight shirts and low-rise jeans, she will get the hint. Make sure to venture into the lingerie section for nighttime attire and downtown to the Sex Shop. Ask her out on evening dates and tell her ass to get dressed up. Take her places where she knows other women will be dressed to impress so her fat-ass has to dress well.

Life starts moving fast while the metabolism starts slowing down. Here’s a scenario that might explain why she’s letting herself go (But she just might be lazy, Milo!): She’s too tired to hit the gym and she’s always on the go, which leads her to constantly eat on the go. She’s letting herself go because she’s finding it impossible to eat healthy, which is leading to unwanted pounds. You want to tell her to hit the treadmill, but she would drop a 45-pound plate on your skull if you made any indication that she needed to lose weight. A few extra pounds may lead to a few bigger dress sizes and she becomes a fun-house mirror image of her old self. Me, I like me a thicker, curvy dame, Milo -- if you are a loyal reader you would know that … their cowgirl is much better.

Get her back into fighting shape: Make it all about you. Tell her you are feeling overweight and self-conscious and want to lose some weight. Ask her to be your gym buddy. If she doesn’t like grunting it out at the gym, find activities that promote fitness but don't feel like working out. Arrange some ”workout dates” like biking, hiking and stop for a low-fat snack afterward. Many women need an event for which to get ready; why do you think she looked so good on your wedding day? Pick an event to prepare for and train with her to run a 5K or to look your best for your next high school reunion.

You have your work cut-out for you, playboy, just be subtle and tread lightly into each conversation you bring up about her weight, clothing choices and the fact that she has more underarm hair than a barber shop, in Harlem, on a Saturday. Each of these problems is easily remedied. Most important in all of this is to try to get to the bottom of exactly why she’s letting herself go. It could be something even more serious than just lack of time or effort. She looks pretty decent now so the situation isn't dire. But are you laying the pipe like you used to, Milo? I mean there are multiple sides to every story. I can see you not eating the snatch when the hair is as nappy as Anthony Hamilton’s BEFORE he got a record deal; but what made your bubble-but, chocolate sex-kitten “go natural” and grow a pubic afro? Did you stop eating the puss-puss and she simply saw no reason to keep it squeaky clean? Also, what about the weight, Payboy? You can’t handle a curvy dame, huh? You knew when you got with her that those Nubian hips were gonna spread -- are you afraid to try it out for one winter? BBW and “Chubby” Porn is some the best ya gonna see these days, Milo … no bullshit. Anywho, I hope this helps, Milo, and you can get some of what you desire in the long run. Always be aware of her feelings and take it lite in your conversations. Don’t say something insensitive and STUPID that’ll make her leave you high and dry, okay? You don’t want her reading your follow-up email to me, Milo, while sitting that phat-ass on my lap, in front of my computer, drinking a glass of Pink Moscato, IN HER PANTIES … IN ONE OF MY T-SHIRTS. Be peace. ;O)

Hedonist,

While on a plane a few weeks ago, I had a really cool experience. My girlfriend jacked me off under a blanket, and nobody saw -- or so we thought. Everything about that was cool, but the flight attendant came up to us and said someone reported we were being inappropriate and disruptive. She asked for our information. I’m scared something might happen. Can they sue us, arrest us or fine us?

Thanks,
Black Wayne



**In my Denzel Washington, Training Day Voice** MY NIGGA! Congrats!! Well, that’s a variation of the mile-high club. I think you need penetration to technically earn your wings (or get some sloppy head), but I’ll give you an honorable mention at the very least. I’m not a lawyer, so you’ll need to contact one for official legal advice on flight laws and indecent exposure. That being said, any public sexual activity or nudity can definitely get you in trouble with the law. Here’s my uneducated take on it. As long as your penis and the jacking occurred under the blanket and out of people’s sight, there’s no “hard” evidence (NO PUN INTENDED! *laughing*). You had a rash that day and she was being a good girlfriend and scratching, right? I think if they were going to be a report or police involvement, it would’ve happened immediately after your flight. Did the flight attendant mention her information gathering was about anything sexual? It’s so late in the game that if they were going to do something, it likely would’ve happened by now. I think you’re in the clear. Or maybe they got your information to send you the dry-cleaning bill for that blanket. We all know it takes a double dry clean to get the baby batter out. Thumbs up for keeping your sex life interesting, but be careful about the public displays of affection. Great story to tell the grandsons though, ya know? GODSPEED to you, my friend, and as a Senior Member and Diamond Cardholder of the Mile-High Club I SALUTE YOU!

Well, my initial intentions were to address this Sam character but I don’t want to clutter this installment and, in addition, I think that the problem has been remedied to a point. Tre, let me know how to proceed. Shouts and Love go out to Penny, Meli, Mookie, Dawnie, Kurmit, Mary (Denver), Liz, Tricky Nicki, Katie, Debz, Andrew, Laura, this one, that one, and them!! Stay Groovy and God Bless!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

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