Sunday, November 13, 2011

So I Didn't Go To Church Today: Redskins and Blow Jobs

Wow, it seems as if it’s been forever since I’ve dropped a blog on the masses, right? I mean damn as I peruse the chronology of my blog page there’s been quite a gap since my last installment. I know you’re all wondering about the little time-bomb I had (have) prepared for Sylvia, but I’ve decided to shelf that installment until needed -- it’s presently aging like fine wine. So other than the Whigger Chronicles I haven’t had much to say in the way of anything until today. Fortunately, I have a letter from a long-time reader that addresses blow jobs along with some light commentary on the Washington Redskins.

Okay, let’s start with those sorry-ass, no-account, bottom-feeding Washington Redskins, shall we? *sighing* The only reason to watch or go to a game is to see that fine, red-headed, MILF of a cheerleader; I am pretty sure her name is Beverly. But all jokes aside, the Redskins are PUTRID, gang … absolutely AWFUL. Most would say that the most glaring problem that we have is at quarterback, which is a huge problem for us, but I don’t give a damn if you had a young Joe Montana throwing the ball; if your offensive line isn’t giving you any time to work with, ANY quarterback is gonna find that most of his time on the field will be spent running for his life or on his ass. Combine that offensive line with a pair of QB’s that wouldn’t start for DeMATHA Catholic High School, a LeRon Landry with eroding skills, an over-the-hill coach who thinks he’s a genius, and NO RECEIVERS, and you get the Washington Redskins we’ve seen the past four weeks. Furthermore, I have absolutely no reason to believe that they will be getting better anytime soon.

But we have to be realistic about this whole thing people. You can’t turn 10 years of fuckery by an inept owner and his regime around in two seasons. I’m saying if JOE GIBBS, who’s a Hall of Fame Coach, couldn’t right the ship what makes you think that Shannahan can get better results? And, yes, I’m saying Joe Gibbs is a better football coach -- Shannahan doesn’t even come close. Gibbs has more rings, Superbowl appearances, and did more with less. I now see that more of my Sunday Afternoons are gonna be dedicated to late brunches with great wine, museum crawls, and Sunday Afternoon Rock Star Sex. I just can’t take watching the team I grew-up with and love make fools of themselves weekend-in and weekend-out.

Your questions:

Hedonist (Kris),

I have been dating this older chick ( by 6 years) for about four months now and have only gotten one blow job from her! One! She says she’s old-fashioned but I think she’s just holding out. You got any advice for me on this one?



The GREAT Kanye West said it best: “Girl ain’t gimme no ass she need to go down!” *laughing* I feel your pain, Chuck … no bullshit. I dated a Native American chick for seven months and only got 2.5 blow jobs! Imagine MY pain. Getting a DECENT blow job can be hard enough, but getting a blow job at all can sometimes be even harder. There are many reasons why your cougar may not be forthcoming with her lovely lips. Some of them are easy to work around, while some are not.

It is noteworthy -- albeit blindingly obvious -- that the biggest reason women fear putting a penis in their mouths is bad hygiene. Don't ever expect her to go down on you if you're unclean. This includes being very hairy in the pubic area; a stray hair, smegma buildup and stench can really ruin her day, and definitely won’t get her pulse racing. Not only that, but she’ll think it's like that all the time and will just avoid it altogether.

Some broads are afflicted with sexual difficulties namely putting an erect penis in their mouths (Bowie Italians don’t have that problem). So how you can overcome her blow job hang-ups?

First, don’t come in her mouth! If you promise not to, keep your word -- always. If you ever decide to "accidentally" surprise her and forget to pull away or warn her, then her blow job hang-ups are going to become flat-out blow job rejections. If she does want to try it ( AND THEY ALL DO ;-D ) , no doubt she will tell you in no uncertain terms. Obviously, unless you're in a trusting, long-term relationship where both partners have been tested, you should be using condoms anyway and the subject should never arise … in a perfect world...

If one of her blow job hang-ups is a fear of gagging, just stay still and let her operate you as she sees fit. You can, of course, direct from above, but just keep still and she'll find her way as they always do. She needs to trust that you're going to let her work at her own pace and not jam her head down. It could be that you may have to live with the fact that she has a sensitive gag reflex and can’t take you in very far. Don’t force it or you'll only make her that more resistant to the act. Be careful about how you place your hands on her head (only for us professionals, Chuck)-- if she even wants you to -- and resist the urge to thrust into her (once again, ONLY for us professionals) as this could cause her to gag.

But, Chuck, have you ever thought that the bitch just may be lazy? Yes, women get lazy about sex -- as do men. Being complacent is one of the biggest relationship sins you can commit, but how do you get around it? Force the issue. Listen, I don’t mean illegally or brutally, but make it known that her 12-month annual vacation is over and you want more lusty action. If you must, withhold something that she likes. Don’t be nasty; be clever. Use a chick’s innately emotional human psychology to entice a response from her or this blow job hang-up will stick around forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

On a much more serious note, Chuck. If your lover was abused in the past, she may have some huge issues with sex, trust and men in general. Sorting these problems out with therapy will aid the situation immensely, and she will need love and support from you. Waiting can be tedious, but it's not just an issue with sex, it's an issue with life and her self esteem. Be there, be kind and maybe one day you'll get yours -- just don’t hold your breath till that day comes. Living with the effects of abuse is not easy for her or for you, but there is help available.

If your lover had a bad experience with another dude such as "head-jamming" (grabbing her by the head and pushing it down) she may be reluctant to engage in oral sex for fear of a repeat performance. This is far easier to deal with, and with some encouragement and begging, she might just give it another go. She needs to trust you though, so work on building that to help her let go of her blow job hang-ups. Let her go at her own pace, and give her enthusiastic feedback.

Chuck, not everyone is into oral sex. There could be one reason, there could be five; you may know the reason, and you may not. Either way, it always pays to be respectful of your partner’s wishes and not force anything she is not comfortable with. On the other hand, some tender cajoling and encouragement never went astray either, so be gently persistent with your requests. Try to come to a compromise you are both happy with, and remember to talk. Communicate your desires and share your own hang-ups with her. Perhaps you can both learn something new about each other in the process and greatly improve your sex life. I hope that this helps you out, Chuckie. I’ve only had two females that didn’t like to "wash my car" and that was pretty early on in my hedonistic career. I’m sure if you take heed to the advice above you’ll greatly improve your chances of getting, at least, a decent blow job -- if not from your current chica then from your next conquest. Good Luck and Godspeed!

That’s all that I have for now, cadets! I think I am gonna head over to my cousin’s crib and have some dinner or something. Damn, this freaking weekend went waaaaaay to fast, don’t you think?

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist