Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies: Which women are the best lovers...

This is soooo true!

*sighing* Let's get right to it, shall we? ...

Dear Hedonistic one,

I need help!! I am a 36 year old female and I have been single for approximately one year. Thru encouragement of friends and family I decided to and have recently joined an online dating website. I have met many people on this website thru emails but none really seem to have the substance, witt or character that I am searching for. There is however one person on the site who has managed to peak my interests with his engaging conversations, charming ways and good looks. This is why I am seeking your advice. We exchanged phone numbers after several days of emails. This is where he is loosing me in this dating game (yes, I am starting to feel like it is a game). Just about every morning with the exception of the weekends, he sends me a beautiful text message.. starts my day off with a smile....then I hardly hear from him for the rest of the day. I don't mind this as much because like myself, he is a busy professional  and I am sure his work requires a lot of his time. 

Here is where my confusion comes in at... I never hear from him in the evenings and never on a weekend. I have attempted to call him twice. The first time he didn't return the call and the second time he called back but it was a few days later. I could be wrong ( because I have been before) but I am thinking that he may not be as single as he lets on or maybe he is just not interested. I am a bit old fashioned and unfortunately am not as aggressive as most females in the new millennium. I am very confused as to what I should do in this situation.

I don't want to put the effort into someone who I feel is not putting it into me or who possibly could be living a different life off of the website ( i'm sure you know the type, single by day.. someone's Boo by night). I am hoping you can give me some good  soundnadvice on this matter and help shed some light onto a situation that seems to continue to dim as the days go on.
Thank you in advance.


Excellent question, Loni, and thanks for reading. One of four things is happening, Chica. He may have some curvy, (preferably) red-head, Greek mommy with a mean reverse-cowgirl ... hopefully. Two, you may have said something to turn him off in one of those engaging conversations that he's still internalizing. Three, you may seem somewhat aloof and shady yourself, and he's getting a read on YOU. And, lastly, he may simply not be that into you point blank. Ahh, Loni, my crystal ball tells me that you want more in-depth insight that only the Hedonist can offer, eh? You wanna know if Cool Breeze actually HAS a curvy Greek sista bouncing up and down on the soul pole, correct? Lemme give you a simple way to weed out a possible love interest from a player/loser -- invite him out for brunch on a SATURDAY at noon with three days notice at least. Here's why: For a man with a woman and/or family Saturday's around noon are chaotic times. If he has a wifey she's gonna wanna go out for lunch and to BCBG or the book store. He's obligated to spend time with his woman and show her a good day (or else I WILL *laughing*). God created Saturdays for couples and that hasn't changed for centuries. If he has a family that's worse because he has to cut the lawn then go to the grocery store with the lady and those bad-ass kids. On Saturdays men watch the kiddies while wifey hits the nail joint and visits her miserable, gossiping girlfriends. True shit. Now the negro MAY be able to sneak-off in the late afternoon or evening (after being punked all-day) to see you but Saturday DAY is out of the question. In addition, call him between 8:30 and 9pm during the weeknights. A man with a family is usually tied-up with kid's homework or the wifey bitching about him playing too much Madden and Call of Duty online. A single guy has time as he's out on U. Street or up in Downtown Silver Spring looking for some new ass or, if he's single and a keeper, he's studying or leaving night class because he's working on his Master's or PhD. Whatever the case he will be accessible and open for those long, "get-to-know-you" conversations, dear. 
Got ALL my women in check! My three BOTTOM Chicks!

Okay, now lets give YOU a look, Loni ... shall we? Are you being accessible? Are you throwing shade? Why can't YOU talk during day hours? Are you SERIOUS when you say you want to get to know this man? If you're on the up-and-up then you wouldn't mind being a tad more vocal in your needs as far as communication. Look, Loni, take things slow and see where shit goes. After about six weeks and six or seven dates it's then okay drop some of that good loving on him to keep the fire burning bright (and it IS good, ain't it?). :-P 

Online dating is a VERY inexact science and it, most times, can be a daunting task. Keep the faith BUT listen carefully: BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT YOU HEAR AND HALF OF WHAT YOU SEE until you are in a comfortable place with this joker and anyone else. I hope this helps. 

So, I've told you guys on Facebook I would give you my thoughts on which female ethnicity make the best lovers. I went on to tell you (without spoiling things) that it isn't the sisters by a long shot -- they're dead last on the list. 

Now, as always, my observations are from my own meandering experience and have no basis in medicine and/or science.

Let me preface this by saying I've had way more than my share of good ass ... I've had enough GOOD ass for 11 men. No bullshit. I've had skinny-ass, athletic-ass, curvy-ass (my FAVORITE), Big Girl ass (I remember in '95 not being able to resist bringing this big girl home from the club. She was big but pretty as a new Bentley!), Short-ass, Tall-ass, and everything in-between; But our discussion specially will be about which ethnicity puts out the BEST lovin', friends. Look, man, I'm just sharing MY observations ... don't be sending me no hate-tinged emails talking about "Kris, you a sell-out ...yo momma black!" Really?

Here goes: 

4)African-Americans (Da Sistas) - Okay, This is perhaps because as a young man I ran through a bunch and the lovin' got boring, who knows? I know that, even up to this day, sista's don't like the nasty down and dirty things we men like in these new times. Yeah, they may like it hard and for a long time i.e. they love when you "Beat it up" but most are not into the kink, and if they are they don't want anything too kinky. I had two African-American chick that used to dig the kink: One was a stripper by night and the other was Jamaican. Now, I know a hot little, curly-head, mixed number out west that gives me the impression that she's bout it, bout it, and if she is I am off to Tiffany's! 

I want to marry Lucy Liu!!
3) Now you can't really go wrong with an Asian mommy. Nurturing, beautiful, seductive, and submissive. What's fucking with that! They can be quite kinky too, fellas. I vividly recall not being able to resist giving a little Chinese number the soul pole at Children's Hospital, in the CPR Training Room, while working an evening/night shift. *sighing* Good Times! The only drawback is, from MY experience, they like the kink BUT they don't like it ROUGH -- that's a no-no. Me, sometimes after about four glasses for sauvignon blanc and a shot of vodka I like to "beat it up" from time-to-time, you know? Nevertheless, if you're not one of those guys who do the rough thang have at it! ;O) 

Eva is next if Lucy disses me!
2)Latin/Hispanic - Aye, Poppie!! Yes, the Latin mommies are here to stay, Baby Bubba! My God, what is there NOT to say about a fine, curvy, Hispanic sista? Cute, cooks, cleans, and will give you a buff and shine on the drop of a dime. Word of caution: Do NOT go in there with no bullshit, fellas! If you don't put it down the first time she lets you in she's gonna talk about you ... BAD! They love to screw hard and long but hate the kink. I see that the younger generation is "exploring" more and "expanding" but the one's I've experienced like to keep it straight forward outside of a car blow job. 

*sighing* Sara Jay WILL marry me one day soon!

1)Caucasians - I mean as far as lovers what more can I say? There's nothing like a nice PAWG on your arm in Georgetown (If you don't know what a "PAWG" is GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND!). Listen, this is just from MY experience, friends -- don't crucify me. I've NEVER had a Caucasian honey that wasn't a good lover. Even thin Caucasian women love to explore and like variety. They take it long and hard? Check. Do they indulge in the kink? Check. Are they sensual? Check. Are they affectionate? Check. Can you give it 'em rough, Captain? **in my pirate voice** Oye, CHECK, you sure can matey! ;-D ...they're simply the total package as far as lovers. 

I know some of my hater, friends, AND family my not dig what I am putting down but, hey ... fuck it. I have an opinion and GOOGLE gave me a forum to express it. So let the hate mail pour-in ... I will have plenty of Sangria and Port on tap this weekend so I can take it. 


Anywho, that's all i have for today. I gotta put out some brush-fires and get ready for this cursing out; it's been a very rough two weeks for the old boy. 

Stay Grooy and God Bless, and if you have any comments or criticisms you know how to reach me. ~~~> patrickristien@gmail.com OR www.twitter.com/just_kristien OR www.facebook.com/kristien.patric Everyone enjoy your day and keep reading... 

Your old pal,

The Hedonist



Thursday, September 8, 2011

I Should Be Working: The Hedonist does a good thing...

So, I’m fooling around with my groovy Samsung Galaxy Tab when an email pops up reading the following: 

Dear Hedonist,
I’ve broken up with my boyfriend of 14 months last weekend only to find that he’s jumped into another relationship with some ugly bitch from Senegal, Africa! Can you believe that?!?! Okay, so this leads me to believe that he never loved me at all … or at least as much as he says he does (We still text and Yahoo IM). To top it all off, he gave her the T-Mobile G2 I brought him for his birthday … the one that he BEGGED me for! I hate this bastard … How do I get back at him?

*sighing* I really shouldn’t be taking time out to address this nonsense but YOU took the time to write-in to the Old Boy, and it also shows you value my opinion to a point. 

Well, Liz, it sounds as if you’re in your late teens or early 20’s but, more importantly, it sounds as if you’re a victim of disorganized thinking. You should be thinking about re-organizing your priorities and focus on some realistic, attainable, short-term goals. Fuck that dude and his African Wifey. Getting over a broken heart can seem like a difficult task at first, but as they say “time heals all wounds”.  This is true, even with getting over a broken heart. 

The only problem with “time” is that it’s a relative term and one length of time may be different than another person’s length of time for getting over a break up.  When you are trying to get over a bad-ending relationship, you may need additional assistance, above and beyond “time”.  When this is the case, you may need to consider alternative means of resolution for getting over a break up. 

If you need help getting over a break up and time is taking too long for it to heal your emotional wounds, you may want to consider trying the following tactics.  Find a hobby or invest your time in an interest of yours that you haven’t had time to devote to.  Focus on your education or advancement of your career.  Focus on yourself; in other words, focus on developing yourself as a person and make some personal changes that you’ve been promising yourself that you’d make for a long time.  Look at this time of getting over a break up as an opportunity to expand yourself and move towards the “you” that you want to be.

Look, Liz, I’ve had my share of break-ups – some where bad but most where good. I think a lot of your pain is coming from the constant digital correspondence with this dude. See, when I break-up with a chick that’s it. I don’t want any calls, text, or emails from the old girl ... but that’s just ME. You have to give yourself time to heal from the initial heartbreak before you can even consider being friends given your tender and and inexperience. You cut-off contact with this chump and focus on becoming a better YOU and watch the results you get. Liz, a better you means you will attract a better man, get it? When this is accomplished dude and the African chick will be a mere insignificant thought from the past. Trust me.  ;O)  

Okay, now I’ve wasted 17mins. So I only have roughly 20mins. to goof-off on my Galaxy Tab before my meeting with the executive director. Oh, and if by chance you’re interested, Saturday’s blog is on which race of women make the best lovers. I’m not just talking about sex and head; I’m talking about nurturing a man, having his back, and being faithful. I don’t want to insert a spoiler here, friends … but it ain’t the sisters!  Sorry.

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist