Monday, August 29, 2011

The Hedonist's Thoughts On Cheating - Part I

I’ve been getting several emails and FB Inbox messages from cats and chicks asking me what to I think about cheating spouses/wifey’s/boyfriends/etc. *sighing* I have various opinions floating around on the subject, but I have to pose the question to my audience: What is cheating really and what are your relationship boundaries? This is an important question that we must pose to ourselves to attain clarity on our own wants and intentions. Like me, I can’t stand a broad that thinks she’s slicker and smarter than the old boy. Back in the glorious days I’d let my anger consume me, fly-off, and curse the whigger out but those days have changed. In 2011 you have to use your head and think like a gentleman. Either play along with the game or move-on (which I tend to do both once I have concrete evidence on the skank), but that’s somewhat of another blog so I’ll just stick to my thoughts on cheating. After which, I will hit you guys off with a sister blog of sorts to give a different perspective. 

Anywho, As it has been the topic of much debate and discussion lately (Cheating) -- thanks in part to the recent celebrity cheating sagas surrounding the likes of and Jada Pinkett Smith, Marc Anthony, and Tiger Woods-- it’s time to clarify the Hedonist’s position on cheating. Cheating is, unfortunately, a part of dating and relationships, but there are boundaries that respectful and honorable peeps simply don’t cross. Nobody is immune to the cheating impulse; when the current relationship’s heat begins to fade, “the grass is always greener” feeling can strike us hard. Although the Hedonist continually labors beneath a variety of false stereotypes and accusations, one of the most irritating is the belief that the successful ladies’ man has no morals (i.e., he considers cheating as “part of the game”).

First and foremost, a true hedonist never cheats, nor will he attempt to pick up a girl (or guy … I don’t judge) who wishes to cheat. It’s not only counterproductive in the long run, but it also flies directly in the face of everything the HEDONISM stands for. The Hedonist adores women; cheating and adoration are mutually exclusive. Here are some of my thoughts on cheating.

First, allow me to say cheating doesn’t actually enhance anything. The common myth is that danger is titillating and can ramp up the passion of taboo encounters, but there’s a problem with this belief: “danger” is fleeting and such a sensation can rapidly shift, as foreboding tension can follow hot on the heels of heightened passion. Furthermore, as the very concept of cheating is rooted in something outside the physical union in question, such couplings are devoid of any real feeling or emotion. Those who have cheated will always try to say -- often in their own vain defense -- that it was “mechanical,” that they were just “going through the motions.” Well, of course: Cheating is about somebody else. There’s no real challenge or satisfaction in it and, lest we forget, the Hedonist is in this for ultimate satisfaction. I love taming a red-headed, blue-eyed, curvy diva as much as the next guy … even more as my thirst is insatiable, but if I have to sneak around to tame my curvy red-head I’m not getting the ultimate experience. I like to fuck on my time, WHERE I want to fuck, and with whomever, as all true hedonists should.

Now let me hit you with THIS: CHEATING IS FOR THE LAME, LAZY, WEAK, AND WEAK-MINDED. Honestly, it doesn’t take that much in the way of mental fortitude to resist temptation. Those who claim it was “irresistible” are desperately attempting to mask their weakness and it’s downright pathetic. Those who cheat do so for a variety of reasons, certainly, but none of them can be considered appealing character traits. They cheat because they can’t face an ugly breakup battle with their current partner (which is absurd, as cheating will inevitably lead to an even uglier battle), they cheat because they’re too lazy to end things, they cheat because they’re easily lured by the siren’s call. The true hedonist is familiar with the urges and doesn’t allow them to affect his or her behavior. We’ve already know how other people perceive cheaters; well, the hedonist is aware how cheating can affect his own self-image and self-esteem. I’m familiar with this Italian chick, an ASL expert, who can’t figure if she wants to chat/cozy-up with her lame ex, who doesn’t know how to pick his own college courses, or have any idea which direction his pathetic life is going; Or, if she’s willing to settle down with a guy, who supports her in every endeavor. This sort of woman is the worst of cheaters because she is lame and weak … she can’t make a decision as to what she wants for her and her child. She doesn’t have imagination or wisdom to look at the big picture. Even though she says she isn’t cheating she cheating emotionally, but that too is another blog!

These days, a person’s reputation may not mean as much as it did in days long past, but for someone who is often at the mercy of word-of-mouth, it’s essential. And because it can change in a split second, it requires constant upkeep and maintenance. Cheating is the single fastest way to tear down an entire body of work (Ref: ELDRICK “TIGER” WOODS; one moment of weakness can erase years of faithfulness produced by the most stalwart professional. There are plenty of other ways a man can damage his reputation in the eyes of the ladies, but nothing is more devastating than cheating. Even if it’s only a rumor, this spark can set off a wildfire that rages high and far. It’s almost impossible to extinguish, and although it may die out eventually, the destruction is significant and recovery can take a very long time. A reputation is a terrible thing to waste on something so… unfulfilling.

In truth, the true hedonist never has to cheat. If they’re unhappy with his current conquest, they have the resolve to simply make a clean break and pursue another target. They do this honestly, carefully and tactfully. On top of which, we’ve already solidified the fact that nailing a chick/dude who wishes to cheat takes no real skill, and a hedonist/player aspires to bigger and better things. Throughout the course of one’s excursions, you will frequently consider and dismiss opportunities that aren’t actually “opportunities” at all; they’re partially obscured traps that can lead to some nasty accidents. The learned pickup artist quickly recognizes such traps, steps deftly around them and pushes forward to achieve more satisfying sexual experiences via real effort. You know exactly what you want, and you know cheating won’t deliver your true desires.

In closing, friends, Many folk fall victim to the falsehood that a hedonist exists only to serve his own desires and as a direct result, he leaves a trail of destroyed hearts and bad feelings in his wake. That’s the description of a lame, lying creep, so get your definitions straight. The Hedonist doesn’t cheat, typically doesn’t spend time with cheaters, and perhaps above all else, he doesn’t have to cheat because he’s honest -- and a stand-up person.

Well, readers, I hope this answers your questions to MY PARTICULAR STANCE on cheating. Look, please don’t get me wrong: I’ve had more than my share of side-body but as we mature and evolve as human-beings, we see a bigger and better picture with crystal clarity.
Sidenote: I hate Blogger now ... it's grown quite shitty! Won't let me upload images. I'm migrating all of my shit over to Wordpress, I guess. 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I SHOULD BE WORKING: Random thoughts from an unrepentant slacker... WHO'S ALSO A HEDONIST! ;o)

So I'm sitting here in the conference room with my man, Andrew, goofing-off. It's funny, until today I had no idea what "Drew" (as he likes to be called) did here. Every time I ran into him --which is every damn day-- he is almost is fresh as I am; he has comparable gadgets (even though my phone and Tab are superior to his ... his MP3 is better); and he's pretty damn smart. Anyway, we get to kicking it pretty tough because in the big-ass conference room, there is only ONE electrical outlet that fucking works today so we had to share. I'm not joking around with you guys! Well, while goofing-off on this fine, summer morning I get a message from an old girlfriend talking some rudy-poo, cockamamie small-talk. Now I'm quite the jovial guy in the majority of my interactions. I try to be empathetic and a good listener to not only friends but to anyone I encounter. But something about this woman's random texts and other correspondence just seems phony to me. She said something ...uh, PHONY regarding our not being together anymore and I lit her ass up in three sentences. Instead of just taking her tongue-lashing, she replied and proceeded to tell me how educated and professional she is and gentlemen shouldn't curse -- BUT she ended her correspondence with a curse word. *laughing* What a hypocrite! For privacy's sake lets call her Martha, okay. Martha, I KNOW I'm smarter than 90 Percent of the HUMAN BEINGS I come across on a daily basis. Professional? Baby, that's subjective ... really, it is. If a hoe asks you whether you'd prefer the green or the purple condom does that make her a professional? Maybe it does, Martha, but she's still a hoe, correct? You get where I'm coming from or going with that, and I DIDN'T elude to you being a hoe.  Besides, Martha, what does you being professional have to do with my blasting your ass when you try to casually feed me erroneous information early in the morning? I don't care whether Andrew and I are goofing-off or not, no one wants to hear madness at 10am in the morning. Nevertheless, I am just as professional as you, baby, and in more arenas ... don't get things tangled and twisted over there in Dupont Circle. As for gentlemen don't curse and assign blame where it's NEEDED? ...get the fuck outta here. I could go on but I'm not gonna put the business out there unless I'm provoked further by your aloof and erroneous thinking, Sweetie. xoxoxoxo  <3 :O) 

TRAIN! One of my Favorite Bands!!! ;O)

You know I just dropped my Online Dating Commandments to mixed reviews over the weekend. *sighing* I was somewhat bummed but who gives a damn as I never said it was my best literary effort. I, myself, think it was quite groovy but I am naturally biased due to the fact that I AM the author. But I am adding an 11th Commandment: Thou shalt be as you appear. Look, ladies, if you're chubby/curvy or a BBW, or "a few extra pounds" let it be what it is. Be proud of yourself. Me, personally, I like me a thick (NOT FAT) red-head or brunette in the winter months. There's absolutely nothing better than some of that good January shower lovin' from a thick woman ... but that's just me. But, girls, when ALL of your pics are head shots or from a certain angle, and there are NO full-body shots on your profile, we know you're carrying some weight around. Just let us see it so we'll know if we can manage it -- most brotha's can ladies! *wink-wink* BLUE DENIM AND GOLDEN CONDOMS, Ladies!!!!!!

Moving on, I decided to take 15mins. to get some things off of my chest, friends. Enjoy your work-week and God Bless You All!! BTW - Andrew is one of our Program Directors! *laughing* 

Your Old Pal, 

The Hedonist

Saturday, August 20, 2011


I can't believe that I am up at 749am, on a Saturday Morning, writing and revising a blogs, eating leftover Chipotle's and drinking a smoothie – which isn't such a rotten existence if you think about it. You have my deepest apologies for not checking-in with you guys with anything new and exciting. I can only surmise that my lack of production is the by-product of laziness, lack-of-motivation, work, and some personal health issues … my bad, but what can ya do?

Lately, while watching television (when I DO watch television), I've been noticing a lot of eHarmony and commercials boasting about their success rates. Saying their hook-ups lead to marriage. Really? Maybe it's the social circles that I travel but I'm not getting much positive feedback about the long-term health of relationships that begin on an online dating site. And you can forget finding love on sites such as Tagged, Onlinebootycall, and Blackplanet; sites, whether outwardly or not, devoted to getting some quick sex. Now the success rate of getting your knob slobbed meeting a chick off of one of these sites is actually astronomically high – and I'm talking on the first date. But finding your soul-mate and the dude you're gonna take home to Dad? Uh, perhaps you'd better look elsewhere. Nevertheless, I've put together a list of commandments, that if followed to the letter you will have immense success no matter what your long or short term, romance goals are. As I always say, I'm no counselor ... my advice derives from my own meandering experience. Peruse and Enjoy!

#1 - Thou Shall Always Communicate thy TRUE INTENTIONS – Look, it is what it is and we are all adults. If you're on eHarmony telling chicks that you wanna get married and start a family, but you're only looking for a curvy red-head to give you some quick ass, you're being misleading. Better yet, a down right lie. On the same hand, if you're on Tagged truly looking for a long-term relationship don't give up the booty before the first three or four dates; YOU are also sending out the wrong message. I understand that sometimes chemistry will dictate a situation but if you go in determined to see your original goal through you'll have a much greater chance at success ... on another dating site.

#2 - Thou Shalt Never Lie About Thy Relationship Status – Simply put … KEEP IT REAL. Or, better yet, leave alone until you've kicked that guy or girl to the curve. Really. Shit has the possibility of getting REAL really fast i.e. The whole thing could blow-up in your face and it's very likely you'll witness or take part in a round of fisticuffs. No Bullshit. But if you insist on being a lame and sneaking online, be a real man or woman and let folk know the real deal.

#3 - Thou Shall Try To Be Transparent as Possible With Your Facebook – The reason that I say this is because your Facebook is basically who you are (For MOST people!). On Facebook your family and TRUE FRIENDS tend to keep you honest and on-point, and the curvy blonde from Atlanta will have a chance to see somewhat WHO YOU REALLY are. Just be sure not to post any outlandish shit in your status box until she gets to know you a bit. So go ahead and accept her friend request, it can't hurt, and you can always edit your privacy settings so that she won't be able to see pictures of the ex. *Wink-wink*

#4 - Thou Shall LIMIT Your Conversations To The PRESENT And FUTURE – This is a VERY important commandment to adhere to. He doesn't want to hear about the ex, with the 11 inch dick, who drove an Aston Martin, and produced Maroon 5's last smash hit. Nor, fellas, does she about your ex's crab cakes and asparagus, and that she swallowed after three dates. Look, all I am saying is that in the infancy stages of a relationship we all prefer to keep things light. In addition, the past is the past and it CAN NOT be altered in any way; compounded with the fact that he/she doesn't give a damn unless you have a felony record for identity theft and distribution of narcotics. Keep things light and your ex OUT OF THE CONVERSATION!

#5 - Thou Shall PICK UP THE PHONE – No one likes a thousand text messages that consist of “LOL” (when you're really not laughing) and :-D (when you're really not smiling) unless you're some pretentious, 10th Grade Female. Be a MAN and ASK FOR HER NUMBER and CALL HER at a decent time that evening or the next. And don't send a text ASKING if it's cool to call now, if she's busy she will let you know that she's busy by telling you so or, if I'm with her, she simply won't answer her cell. Side note: The reason that I put this on the fellas is that a man is supposed to be a man and take some initiative. Be assertive and let her see your interest.  ;-)

#6 - Thou shall not MOVE TOO FAST (unless you're only looking for a fuck buddy) – Ladies, most of this one falls in your lap and here's why: You meet a guy on Interracial Singles and he talks that good game to you and even introduces you to his mama over the phone. He's saying all of the right things so you decide to give him the booty on the second date. Tyrone then starts acting funny, and after a short while the stupid “LOL's” and “Good Morning, Sweetheart” texts stop coming. After which, in another two weeks, the late night phone calls stop coming, and then your dumb ass is in all in my FB Inbox and Gmail asking what went wrong. *SMFH* You weren't patient and you didn't issue him a challenge, to show him your affection and body are worth a lot more than some slick talk. Simple. As they say, easy “CUM”, easy go, and since relationships, in the long run, aren't that easy nor should him getting the booty be either.  Do NOT get me wrong, honey, I KNOW that booty is probably good … I KNOW it is. But allow some
things to remain a mystery and save some of your secrets until it's appropriate to reveal them. Right as rain, I am.

#7 - Thou Shall Narrow Your Search – What I mean by this is that there is no damn need to be on Onlinebootycall, Craigslist, Blackplanet, AND eHarmony ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I used to screw around with this Italian chick in VA who was on ALL of the above named sites all at the same time. EVERYPLACE that we went there was someone that went to dinner with her, someone who hit that, or someone who went to dinner AND hit that. One time I had a dude wanting to fight me in a Honky-Tonk Bar in Alexandria because, apparently, his dinner date didn't go as planned, and he was still vexed. I know that you're thinking: Kristien, what is your black ass doing in a white ass HONKY-TONK BAR with an ITALIAN CHICK?!? Trust me, I have stories that are A LOT wilder, my friends. **sighing** Anywho, back to what I was saying … Even if you're just looking to screw, narrow that thing down to a couple of sites at most. Especially here in D.C. (which is only 9.9 Square Miles) because you're bound to run into someone you knew not too long ago.

#8 - Thou Shall ALWAYS Meet for Coffee/Cocktails in an OPEN AND NEUTRAL LOCATION – This one is mainly for the ladies also unless your gay or lesbian (hey, I don't judge, fam … I love everyone! ;-D). Because this IS the internet and people are f*^king warped these days. In addition, if those pics she's been texting you are from 2001 you're not committed to a prolonged stay – finish your damn coffee and get back on the Red Line, Playa!!!!

#9 - Thou Shall Not “Sext” Until You've Had Several GREAT DATES – I mean, Playboy, you're gonna eventually “whip it out” one day anyway, right? And, ladies, THESE FOOLS ARE CRAZY OUT HERE! And if shit doesn't work out between the two of you, believe me, your little Android phone videos of you with your toy and those open-twat flicks you sent are going to be posted on  No Bullshit. ...for EVERYONE TO SEE AND DOWNLOAD.

#10 - Thou Shall ALWAYS TELL YOUR BEST GIRLFRIEND WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON – The fellas may be angry but to hell with them, ladies. THESE FOOLS ARE CRAZY OUT HERE! Always give your girlfriend and sister that cat's number, email, and work number (He BETTER HAVE A JOB!). Safety is first and foremost, girls. Also, don't invite that fool over to the crib until your sister and girlfriend have that info and you're sure this dude is on the up-and-up.

Okay, as a reminder, these commandments are a working document and will be amended as the suggestions come in. This isn't the end-all list so lets work together on this friends! ;O)

That's all I have for today (and probably for another week) so enjoy the rest of your weekend and enjoy friends, good food, and family! ;O) Stay Groovy and God Bless...

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist