Friday, June 24, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies: All the Queens Men (repost)

So I'm back after a long hiatus, friends. I know I promised, on multiple occasions, that I would drop something on fresh, exciting, new, and thought-provoking. But with chaos running rampant in my professional and personal life I haven't much time, compounded with the fact that the stuff I had in-store simply wasn't that good. So, with this said, please forgive me and allow me to talk my shit again. There's a lot to cover in this installment but, since it's fresh on my mind, I'm gonna start with a bit of Facebook Madness (it's actually relationship/Facebook Madness but bare with me for a sec).

Let me preface this idiotic scenario of plain 'ole fuckery by saying that I'm no champion of any cause. In reality, I can be very apathetic about some things (e.g. Glee and Dancing with the Stars). Furthermore, I'm no saint or role-model as Charles Barkley said years back. You do not want your kids following my example personally. Professionally? Now that's another story and I can humbly that say my professional life is something to aspire to -- out side of that I'm a scoundrel.

King of Scoundrels -- OIL CAN HARRY!
So, this cat (lets call him Paul) is dating this chick he's feeling immensely. Paul's networking this chick with his family – shit like everyone's friends on Facebook. He's calling in favors to his friends to help her out here and there, and other miscellaneous gestures to show he has her back. Everything's cool until Paul smells something rotten in Denmark. There is this guy lurking about that catches Paul's attention. She's doing yard-work with this dude; going out for evening drinks on U. Street with old boy (even says she gonna spend the night after they go out); talking daily with Cool Breeze (even more than she communicates with Paul); hangs out with his sister and other such fuckery. Moving on, Paul questions Old Girl about her apparently sinister movements – low and behold, this cat is her “EX”. Obviously Paul isn't very happy about this new found development and expresses his discontent, along with saying he's gonna smack Old Boy, which is not a good look but I understand.

Now, allow me to take pause and interject my thoughts up to this point, friends:

First, the old adage is tested and true that “A man will do no more than what a woman will allow him to do” … this is true shit. I asked my sexy mommy (who i'm with presently), with the light-brown eyes, from Tehran (if you don't where that is Google it!) what she thought of this reasoning and she agreed with it along with two of my sisters. Second, either she isn't 1) relaying the depth of her relationship with Paul to the “EX”. 2) Old Boy just doesn't give a fuck or 3) Chick wants her cake and to eat it too! My girl from Tehran said, “Kris, that girl's shit is just sloppy. To begin with, she wasn't honest from the start about the nature of their [she and the ex boyfriend] past and present relationship. How old is she?” ...and I agree with you Bahar. If there was nothing to hide why not put the cards on the table. Because like Bahar went on to say, “Once your mate finds out that you were intimate with an ongoing friend the dynamics of that relationship change. Period.”

Back to the story...

Anyway, apparently, the chick went back and TOLD the “EX” everything her CURRENT BOYFRIEND had said and he gets this email IN HIS FACEBOOK INBOX:

“If your looking for me, there is no need to do a search. I'll give you my address or meet you somewhere. I don't know what your problem is but I'll take it to whatever you desire”

I know that you're shaking your head at this bitchassness but indulge me a little more patience, friends. So, as you can guess, they went back and forth until Paul said he told Old Boy something he really didn't want to hear and got this clown out of his damn inbox. Afterwards, Paul says the Ex-Boyfriend went back to the chick crying like a bitch and the chick says to Paul that if he doesn't apologize to the ex-boyfriend they couldn't be together and un-friended HIM (and his family) on Facebook because she wanted them all to be friends! BUT she didn't un-friend the EX. Laughing ...true story.

Now this disturbs me on many levels, friends, but for this chick to jump out of the window to make a statement like that to her “man” alludes to some unfinished business with Old Boy and her allegiance lies with the Facebook Gangster. In addition, she had no business repeating the conversation with her and her man to the ex-boyfriend. Shit like that has gotten men sent to early graves … she essentially stirred a pot that may boil over into something that she can't control. But get this (the most amusing part): Chick wants to sweep it under the rug like nothing happened! Laughing No, I am not joking at all, my friends … not in the least. Now this is just the uncut version of the madness but you get the picture. I have my advice for this gentleman but I would like hear the opinions of my readers, and especially the ladies. Hit me up via email, Twitter, Facebook, or SIGN-LANGUAGE. ;-p

Now I know this problem isn't uncommon amongst couples and it happens everyday. But is there a remedy for such dilemma's or is it just the course of human events? The above scenario, I think, isn't a case of insecurity but disrespect and deceit … but who am I to call it? As I said, I'm no therapist and my advice/opinion comes from my own meandering experience.

If you 're 30 or over I'm sure that you have an “EX” story. Whether she's cool with the cat's family and attend his cookouts to your chagrin or the whore was crazy and she followed you around BCBG then into Vicki's until you pulled out your mace. The problem is --if any of you reading this is honest with yourself you know-- once you've shared love, lust, and personal interaction, continuing a “traditional” friendship is very difficult. Just because you've separated for a spell doesn't mean the love and lust is gone, it may be lying dormant. There ARE instances where when love is lost and the ex is someone who will only be an innocent friend. In this case you can't demand that your mate sever ties with the ex but Paul's situation is somewhat different – there was definitely some shady dealings going on. Old girl isn't that naïve … SPEND THE NIGHT WITH HIM AFTER DRINKS? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. :-/

What the chick is oblivious to is the FACT that her CURRENT MAN should have come first. This is something she should not have had to have been told. An amalgamation of hurt feelings can arise if the time you spend with your ex, or chatting your ex, exceeds the time you spend with your current mate. Chick doesn't see that with men an uninterrupted friendship with an ex is a territorial issue in a man's eyes. It seems like Paul's girl is the Needy Damsel. She has something new and good but wants to stay friends with her ex because she knows he loves her – or at least use to love her … maybe. If it turns out Paul does not accept her for who she is, she can always turn to her naïve nice guy ex for validation (and a quick hook-up). The chick needs to have a frank, concise talk with her ex: “Akbar Saleem, I think you're a great person and you have been a good friend to me. However, I'm really excited about my new relationship, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it, so I'm going to say goodbye now. I wish you all the best in life. Goodbye.” She doesn't have to justify herself to her ex or negotiate with Akbar. Just keep it short and get off of the phone. But she won't do this, Paul, because she's already shown herself to be shady and manipulative.

Here's the good, uncut shit for you Paul: The first several months of a new relationship are often fragile – even when THERE ARE NOT outside people influencing the relationship. If she were truly SERIOUS about seeing if you ARE her life-partner, both of you would cut out the lovers of the past. As your relationship strengthens and the issues and decisions involved get more complex, you will be relieved that you have one less pair of of scrutinizing you and one less voice giving their two cents. Look, I'm no saint or Sigmund Freud but if it walks like Puffy, raps like Puffy, and Harlem Shakes like Puffy, Paul … it's Puffy! I'm not saying she's a hoe, bruh, but let's go down the checklist: 

A) Did you hit the first time you saw her ... RAW?

B) Is her child's paternity in doubt? i.e. Is she a PRIME CANDIDATE for the Maury Show?

C) Does she get into arguments on FB with dude's who are slutting her out girlfriends because she was unaware she was the jump-off?

D) Is she getting passed around, like a blunt at the Source Awards, to dude's homeboys? 

If the answer to just ONE of the above questions is "Yes" you got a hoe on your hands and it's not worth the headaches, Paul -- Cut your losses. I mean either she's gonna shape-up or ship-out … but as my sister said, “Why would he still want her? She's shown him if there ever was a choice between the two she's picking him [Akbar the Ex] and, from that demonstration, she's shown that she doesn't have Paul's back!” …there you have it Paul. I don't have to sign it to you, do I?

Wow, I used a whole column on ONE problem, friends? Sighing Nevertheless, I hope you were entertained and continue reading. As always, spread the news and keep hitting me with that feedback and your ideas. I hope all is well with friends, family, health, and work. Stay Groovy and Be Peace!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist