Sunday, March 27, 2011

SEX and CANDY (Not a lot but a little of everything...)

I am coming out of one the best weekends I've had in quite some time. It all started with me seeing my girl, Kai, who has to be my favorite person on the planet. (Oh, by the way, I'm starting with Friday afternoon.)  Then I shot up to Silver Spring to catch-up with my man Charles and the two of us shoot across town to scoop Pretty Phillip in time to meet Kwame back at Charles' house. Hannah rings the phone, at some point between all of this running about, to say hello and, generally, just be nosy -- but, hey, that's what chicks do, right? 

You may ask "Kris, what's so exciting about four dudes getting together?" ...and on the surface sh*t like this happens everyday, I know. What put this gathering over the top is that this is the first time ALL FOUR of us have been in the same room since our Rabaut Junior High School Graduation in '88. Pretty Phillip and I party from time-to-time, and Kwame and Charles kick it together when they can but never have all four been together since the days of Mrs. Scott's Geometry Classes. 25 years of friendship and memories sat in Charles' Basement Family Room. Funny thing is that other than being four highly intelligent kids (We all came together as members of Rabaut's Gifted and Talented Program) we had nothing in common really, and we all had very different personalities. There's Kwame the Lover and B-Baller. He's was knocking down quite a bit of tail ... or at least attracting a lot of tail. Then we have Pretty Phillip whose name says it all. I can't say he was the all around dude because he couldn't/can't play ball. Phil was the pretty dude that could box with the best of them and had more jokes to crack than Eddie Murphy in this prime. The all-round dude was Charles who could box, shoot ball, grab the chicks, and crack a joke or two. I was the artsy dude of the crew. I played in the concert band (and also played piano), was on the track team (I can't play ball very well), and wrote a lot. I had chicks but not very many and they weren't that cute -- I was a late bloomer.  Anyway, we got together, went over old times, drank a LOT of Jack and Hen Dog, and cracked a lot of jokes. I learned a lot like in the Human League's song "Fascination" ... no sh*t. I had no idea Pretty Phil and his fiancĂ©e have matching toes rings, or Charles and Courtney are the Russell and Kimora Lee Simmon's of D.C. all tricked out with a nanny and Ninetendo Wii. True story. Kwame is afraid to get a Facebook Page because ... well, he IS Kwame. But at least he's not spilling volcanic hot winter beverages on this feet anymore so he can miss 8 weeks of classes.  All-in-All it was a wonderful evening partying, mutual respect and admiration, and good times! 

Charles, Kristien, Kwame, and Pretty Phil
  The next day was a day of recovery until I got call telling me my favorite person in the world, Kai, is coming over to chill for a few minutes. That few minutes turned into several hours of good music, drinks, dominoes, food, and family. My oldest sister made it over and it was just a good time to be alive. 

TODAY, I'm invited to a good old soul food dinner at a relatives' house and I am sure that there will be libations. Even though the weather hasn't been perfect this weekend the company has! Ayo, Chuck, hook me up with that fine nanny of yours, bruh! ...REAL TALK! *laughing*  

So, in between all of the love, partying, drinking, illegally downloading music, and getting the brush-off from Mimi and Hannah, I spoke with my man Carlton via Google Chat. Carl want's an "open-relationship" with his girl and asked me what would be a good way to put this request to his honey. Carl, read on, my man ... read on. 

You make her No. 1, but you don’t want her to be the only one.Open relationships offer sexual variety with other people, which immediately sells you on the idea, but what about your girlfriend? Having an open setup could result in the relationship breaking up. Hey, some relationships just don’t make it once they’ve tried the open road. If you have breakup on your mind, perhaps ending the relationship is your best bet rather than suggesting you widen the playing field a little.

However, if you want to keep your relationship a priority in your life, but you just want to have some new experiences, perhaps you’ll be one of the lucky ones who finds that bringing outsiders into your relationship will add some spark to it.  It’s good to bear in mind that for an open relationship to work, both parties have to be keen on the idea. When trying to awaken your girlfriend’s interest in open relationships, here are some ways to go about it, main man. 

Plant The Idea

Instead of focusing on your needs, let her be introduced to the idea of open relationships in a more objective way. During a hot night together, why not suggest renting an erotic movie or two? No shit. Don't laugh this works! Choose movies that involve threesomes and try to find quality porn that has a bit of a story line if possible, especially since a huge chunk of erotic films out there are not always liked by women. (Note: Avoiding porn that features facials or other acts she’ll view as degrading is also a must.)
Watching a steamy flick together won’t only add some spice to your sex life now, but it could also make her turned on by what she sees, thereby planting an idea in her mind that she might want to take further.

Encourage The Fantasy

Now it’s up to you to encourage her wildest dreams. Often, the best sexual communication occurs outside of the bedroom, so take some time to share your erotic fantasies with your girlfriend and let her do the same. This is a great way to nurture trust in your relationship, but it also encourages her fantasies to become reality. For instance, if she tells you that she has previously fantasized about sex with another person, hear her out and encourage her to describe it to you. Once her mind is open to the thoughts, her body is more likely to follow.

Hang Out With Swingers

Taking things to the next step can involve hitting some swingers’ clubs to meet swingers who are fun, young females. Your girlfriend will see that the act of meeting and picking up swingers is definitely not the same as asking someone out on a date. There’s no trying to get swingers interested in who you are; rather, it’s all about having a sexual experience and then moving on to others. Period. This is sure to put your girlfriend’s mind at ease: Swinging is carefree and noncommittal. You leave your emotions at the door while gaining sexual stimulation. Trust me on THIS one! ;-)  

The bonus? There’s no guilt of going behind your partner’s back or betraying them with your cheating ways because it’s all out in the open. Oh, BEHAVE! Yeah, baby! :-D   

Sell The Benefits

One of the biggest mistakes men make when suggesting an open relationship to their girlfriends is that they focus on what they want and completely forget that she has to be on the same page for it to work.

But if a salesman is going to sell you a new body lotion, he’s not only going to tell you what its benefits are, he’s also going to show you how it’s better than the current one you’re using. So, when discussing open relationships with your girlfriend, focus on how the change to your relationship can benefit you both more than your current setup. For instance, she can still reap the benefits of your current relationship, but she doesn’t have to feel sexually limited; she can take that career opportunity overseas without carrying the emotional baggage of the relationship. Find the good things that an open relationship can bring to your lives. If she sees this for herself, she’s more likely to become interested in giving it a try. 

Make It About Sex

It has been said that when it comes to infidelity, women are more likely to have emotional affairs whereas men focus on the sexual satisfaction. This backdrop of information shows you the glaring truth: Often, women will associate sex with something more emotional, or they think that sex will lead to love. This could be the undercurrent that is preventing your girlfriend from wanting an open relationship as her fears could include the thought that you’re going to be falling in love with the new women you’re sexual with.

My girl Kelly ... Good Peeps! 

Be Open

You have to nip this one in the butt, Dude. Ensure she knows your relationship is the sexual and emotional priority -- the main act. All extras in the movie are there for purely sexual adventures. If you keep the emotional stuff out of the equation, she will not see it as a threat, and the good times can keep on, er, coming.

Well, that's all I have for now, friends! Gonna throw on some fly sweatpants and sneakers and head out to this dinner shortly but not before I have a cream lager and catch some of the game. Stay Groovy and God Bless. As always, shoot me an email, Tweet, or Facebook Message if you have any comments or gripes. 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Monday, March 21, 2011


I hate a LOT of things about Blogger but one of the things that I love is that I can compose a blog, schedule a time for release, and go on about my business. So, as you read this, I’m having a pint of Beck’s Dark, Curry Lamb, and Salad. The guys at Google are some of my favorite people in the world -- even though the Blogger App. for Android is shitty.

So, I’m lounging around the crib, doing something close to nothing, but different than the day before, and the phone rings. It’s my main man Daniel illegally driving and talking on his cell phone as usual. Here’s the convo:

“Kris, what’s good, dude?”

“Nada, lounging … I’m thinking about hanging out with May later this evening out at the Chilli’s @ Pentagon City, that’s all. What about you?”

“Not a whole lot … might go to the Golf Shop then stop past Tropicana to get something to eat on the way in. Say, whatever happened to that chick, Angela who was on the internet, the one with those deep blue eyes?”

“I don’t know, playa.  I tried to put a bug in her ear and she swears it’s not her … I did my part. I’ll check on her.”

So I go to my Facebook Page to see how she is making out and probably put a call in to her later on that evening. For the sake of the blog we’ll call her Angela Warren. Anyway, to my surprise, Angela had deleted me from her Facebook Page! :-O Wtf? Why she would do such a thing, you ask?

Read on...

I was sitting in one of my favorite watering holes a little over a month ago when Daniel hits me up and tells me that one of my girls, “the one with the REALLY blue eyes” he says, is on an adult website, in a homemade sex-video, giving a black dude head. I tell Danny that could be only one of two people -- Kennedy or Angela Warren.  Danny assures me it’s her and proceeds to send me the file. Now here’s where it gets funky. Me being THE FRIEND that I am immediately contacts Angela and the conversation goes like this:

“Angela, are you busy?”

“No, what’s up?”

“Can I ask you a private question?”

“Sure, go ahead, Kris”

“Have you made any home sex tapes lately? I know it’s none of my business but I’m asking you for a reason”

“No, I’ve never made a sex tape … Not that I know of”

“Well, there’s a sex video with you … uh, a woman that looks JUST LIKE you circulating the on the web, Angela. She has the same hump in the nose; same haircut; she’s chunky and she has the exact same eyes color, babes”

“No, I’ve never knowingly been taped”

“Well, this girl actually adjusted the video camera on the nightstand … AND she has the same TATTOOS in the SAME PLACES!” **Crickets**

“It’s not me, Kris, but send me the video … just to make sure” [<~~ You all can laugh if you want … I know I did]

“If it’s not you why do you want me to send you the video?”

“I just want to see … maybe I can tell them to take it down because it looks like me.”

“Sure. whatever you do is your business … but remember that you have a 12 year-old daughter. But it’s doesn’t matter since you are absolutely sure it’s not you, Angela”


Now my question is: Did I do something wrong? Why would Angela boot me from her friend’s list? Was she embarrassed? Could I have handled it differently? As I said to her, what she does is her business … I was only trying to give her a head’s up (No pun intended). I have to admit that I was slightly annoyed that she tried to play me for a duck though. Look, I can go for the same haircut and flabby arms, friends. I can even go for the same hair color and eyes. I might go for the same nose with the same hump, but the EXACT SAME TATTOOS IN THE EXACT SAME PLACES?!?  The fact that Angela ... uh, the woman adjusted the cam shows she KNEW the cam was rolling! :-/ In addition, Angela is notorious for sending freaky photos of herself to one’s mobile phone (and by the 5's & 10's); so it’s not far-fetched that she would step her game up to home video. Now taking her act worldwide is another thing but I’m sure she has no reservations putting herself on cam. But that’s neither here nor there.  I’m wondering does my bringing her screen debut to her attention warrant my Facebook dismissal, even though I was just concerned that her daughter may get wind of it. What could I have done better? *sighing*

Comments from the guys AND the girls are welcome (especially the girls). Angela, since I know you’re reading this, I only meant well … I wish you and your daughter the best. I would only suggest that you be more careful when doing shit like making home sex tapes though -- you have a daughter to think of.  Or, if it isn’t you, hire the A-Team or James Bond to capture, torture, and kill that clone of you that the aliens made, Chica! She’s good but it’s not a good look for you living in such a small town.  ...I ain’t sayin’, I just sayin’. :-/  

God Bless and Stay Groovy,

The Hedonist


BTW - I'm starting a new series (e.g. Friends and Fuck Buddies and So I didn't go to church today) titled "Bootleg Adults", friends. They will chronicle my one-on-one interaction with fools, player-haters, and people who lack judgement like Angela W. I hope you continue to enjoy and give me feedback. Love you guys! <3 

It's not a game!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

So I Didn't Go To Church Today (Random Thoughts and YOUR EMAILS)

So I'm laying around, jamming to Tony, Toni, Toni's classic cut "The Blues" and other classic '90s Jams, while reflecting upon my weekend (which was a mixed-bag to say the least). All I can say is that the good outweighed the not-so-good, but I'm still not pleased that I missed-out on a potentially red-hot "outing" behind some foolishness. But given the usual suspect's history I shouldn't be surprised in the least. I told myself that I wouldn't be suckered into dummy missions on New Years so I have no one to blame but myself -- but that's enough of THAT fuckery. Well, I'm looking at my Gmail inbox and became disgusted at the amount unanswered emails from you guys, lounging around, giving me The Gasface ... I'm actually TWO MONTHS behind!! WTF? All I can say is "MY BAD, DOG!" Things get away from ALL of us from time-to-time. And since this blog doesn't fund my insatiable desire for Chipotle's, Puma Track Jackets, Curvy Red-Heads, and Coconut Ciroc it hasn't been high on my list of priorities in the past 45 days. Hey, I'm just "keeping it 100" as the young peeps say.  

Random Rant: My girl, Hannah, just peeped me to some despicable game circulating through the black community. We were briefly discussing Mail Order Brides and I was telling her, in the limited research I've done on the subject *wink-wink*, that black men are usually limited to the Asian Market (usually Thai and South Korean) because the brides from the Eastern European/Slavic Countries simply refuse to marry a Negro. :-O Whoa! Kanye wasn't crazy when he said "Even if you in a Benz you still a nigga in a coupe" *laughing*  Anyway, after I dropped that on my home girl she proceeded to tell me that a lot of well-to-due Negroes here in The U.S. (especially in Tha ATL) are hitting-up Brasil, The Dominican Republic, and other  exotic points south and creating ENTIRE FAMILIES ... WHILE HAVING A FAMILY HERE AT HOME IN THE STATES! She said, "Kristien, it seems that it doesn't take a lot to fund a family down there" :-/ I haven't done any research of my own on this fuckery but I will keep you posted in future installments. BUT if there is any validity to this bullshit you Negroes ought to be prosecuted in U.S. Federal Immigration Courts. I'm not gonna dig into this any further as I want to write with facts not hearsay, but you Negroes should be on the lookout because I'm already formulating paragraphs in my mind. 

Okay, with no further adieu, here are your letters. I actually replied personally to you guys to let you know that I'm dropping this today and that I'm not gonna use your REAL NAMES! *laughing* I have a couple of wild ones for you this week, friends, so hold tight! 

Disclaimer: As always, I'm by no means a therapist, my responses and advice are based on my own meandering experience.  

The Wandering Eye

Hey Kris,

I’ve always been worried by the fact that even if a girl has high interest level in you, she can still desire other men. I’ve had girlfriends who planned on marrying me but admitted to talking to or flirting with guys they found attractive.

It Seemed Rock-Solid

The most recent example is Krystal. She’s a cute girl but isn’t hot. I introduced myself after seeing her glance at me on the train a couple of times. After four dates, she announced that she loved me. I did not return the “I love you,” which is fine with her. Her eyes light up whenever she sees me, she cooks for me and she gives me massages. I trust her for the most part because unlike previous ex-girlfriends, she doesn’t actively go to clubs and bars to meet new men. She always lets me know of her activities.

We’ve dated for approximately seven months, and she plans on marrying me in three years when I’m done with graduate school. But it really bugs me that I always catch her glancing or staring at other guys (especially shirtless guys in the summer). How can I take her or any girl seriously when they still have physical desires for other men, even when we’re at the peak of our relationship and are extremely happy?

Do All Eyes Wander?

Once, at a restaurant, she stared at a guy sitting behind me for five minutes, which really ticked me off. She worked on it and didn’t do it for a while, but soon resumed her habit. Should I accept that humans have multiple desires, or should I get rid of Krystal? Some girls are not to be trusted, but my intuition tells me she is deeply attached to and in love with me. And I am aware that there are lots of girls in happy relationships and marriages who flirt for attention or confirmation of their attractiveness.

The reason that this is an issue is because I know that if Krystal looks at an attractive, confident guy, he might approach her, and something might happen. If I marry her, that could be a relationship break. Should I accept her wandering eye, or move on?

Chandler - who has his doubts

The Hedonist's Response:

Hi Chandler,

Let me correct you on something straight out of the gate. If a woman has high Interest Level in you, she cannot desire other men. A clinically sane woman does not want other men if she’s in love with you. Period. The reason your ex-girlfriends flirted with other guys was because they weren’t in love with you.

Should Chandler break it off...

My team until I die! ;-)

Face The Facts

Now, let me get this straight. After only four dates, Krystal declared that she was in love with you? Now think about this logically, playboy. How is that possible? Like my cousin Black Mark from Simple City says: “Nah, Dawg!” And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “A woman who says she loves you after four dates has a screw loose.” And this is the key to why she’s looking at all these other men. That said, you were smart to not return the “I love you.” It shows that you have some common sense and that you’re learning a little something.

You don’t really trust Krystal, Chandler. To you psych majors, you can’t trust any woman until after six months -- and only then if there are no red flags. A woman has to earn your trust. You can’t toss trust out like a used tissue. On the other hand, it’s good that Krystal is open with you and lets you know about her activities.

In The Eye Of The Beholder

Krystal’s incessant gawking at half-naked guys with six-pack abs indicates that you have a massive problem. If this broad is in love with you why is she salivating over other guys at all? Let me explain something to you, my friend. When a woman’s Interest Level in you is through the roof, you’re the most handsome guy on the face of the planet. Just ask Ringo Starr and Keith Richards. Even those muscle-bound guys in Speedos at the beach can’t compete with you!

And let me explain something else to you. You’re the only one who’s extremely happy. You’re the one who’s at the peak of the relationship; she’ s in the valley of it. That’s why she can’t keep her eyes off other men in various states of undress.

Your Future Together Is Crystal Clear

Krystal only stared at that fellow in the restaurant for five minutes? That’s nothing! You’re an uptight guy, Chandler! Your problem is that you’re too jealous and possessive. But seriously, of course you were ticked off that she dissed you. Who wouldn’t be? And when she resumed her habit of staring at other guys after you called her on it, that’s when you should have said, “Adios, Krystal!”

Girls don’t have multiple desires when they’re in love with someone. So you have to get rid of Krystal now. Your intuition isn’t telling you that Krystal is in love with you; it’s your big ego that’s whispering in your ear. And like the bible says: “A man’s ego is the devil.”

The guys married to wenches who can’t stop flirting because they need confirmation of their attractiveness are miserable. Think about it, Chandler. Is that the way you want to live for the next 40 years? Because her habit is only going to get worse.

Protect Yourself

Even if something never happens between Krystal and another guy, why does she need the attention of complete strangers? The only way you’re never going to get burned by Krystal is if you dump her. Forget about marrying her -- this girl gets an “F” in  loyalty and trust, AND an “F” as in the middle finger!

Remember, guys: If she doesn’t have eyes only for you, tell her to bounce!

I LOVE the chick from Sugarland!

Try this on for size

Dear Hedonist,

I just finished reading one of your blogs (my auntie reads, i guess, cause it’s saved in her bookmarks) and I have to say that I was impressed, so I was hoping maybe you could help me with my problem. You see, I am currently 16-years-old and turning 17 in three months. My problem is that I'm worried that I might have a small penis. Can you please tell me how big it's supposed to be at my current age? Is it normal for it to be the size that it currently is? What natural things can I do to make it bigger? My penis is about one-inch long when it is sleeping and about two-and-a–half inches when I'm hard. I have masturbated since I was about 12-years-old. When I first started, I would masturbate three times a day, but I don’t do that much anymore.

Please help me; I need your advice about my small penis.

J., Denmark

The Hedonist's Response:
J., I don't think at 16 you should be reading my blog given the language and content. I would also suggest more studying and less masturbating. Real Talk. Let me first say that all the worrying in the world isn’t going to help your penis. Worry is the least helpful thing with sex as it creates anxiety, challenges confidence and creates self-doubt. Penis size isn’t the answer to all your sexual problems. It will serve you better to learn sex and pleasure techniques as well as relationship and communication skills -- AFTER you turn 18 of course. Most studies estimate the average penis size for an adult male to be around six inches and the average varies slightly higher or lower depending race.

There aren’t any medically supported ways to increase penis size, so save your money on the penis slings, splints, pills, creams, and injections. Yes, people actually do all of that to their penis in hopes of changing its size. Women prefer all sizes of penises. Think of that bell-shaped curve from your high school math class and you’ll realize that most women want average size, some want above average size, some want below average size. You’ll find women who won’t date you because of your size and others who won’t care. The tough part is searching through the dating scene to find the right women.

On a side note, I’ve met three women this past winter with self-described tight vaginas, and each said they prefer a partners fingers or a penis less than four inches to the pain of an average- or above average-sized penis ... go figure. Where and how i met these women isn't important, J., but it's a true story, and a testament that everything isn't for everybody.

Learn to love yourself (no pun intended), stay positive, be confident, and search for someone with like-minded interests. Also, there’s no connection between masturbation and penis size, so give yourself a guilt-free sausage tug whenever the mood strikes you. But, after reading my response, this issue is bugging you, I would suggest you email the singer Marc Anthony. He's married to Jennifer Lopez and has a set of twins with her -- and I KNOW he can't be filling all that ass up. Hell, he's only 5'4 and 125lbs., he may have some tips for you! ;-)

The more the merrier.

Hi Kris,

A buddy of mine from work went out drinking with me and my friends, and he got a little tipsy and told us he’s in a relationship with a couple of women. They knew about it, and even lived together. He said it wasn’t like people that are Mormons that have more than one wife. It was kind of creepy to hear, since I’m married, but he seems like a regular guy -- actually pretty nice. Not sure what to think here. What do you think and what is this?

Greg, Oklahoma

The Hedonist's Response:
Sounds like your friend is in a polyamorous relationship. Polyamory is basically having consensual, loving, intimate relationships with more than one person (multiple intimate relationships). With all the different terms like polyandry, polygyny, polygamy, polyfidelity, group marriage, and others that describe specific loving relationships among people, it can get confusing. But having all these terms means people are involved in a lot more than we’re socialized to think. In our culture, monogamy is most common, and these other multiple-partner relationships seem scary because we don’t understand them or see them every day.

It’s common to fear what we don’t know and place judgment based on that fear. But why is it so hard to imagine loving multiple people at the same time? Many people have a hard time loving one person, yet your work friend can love two. Maybe he has an amazingly unique capacity to love that few have. The important and sometimes hardest thing is to respect the choices and desires of others when they differ from yours. What’s interesting to me is one of the most common male fantasies is sex with two women at the same time. Why can’t the fantasy continue for longer than a sexual encounter and be long-term relationships? Some people are monogamous and some aren’t; who are we to judge? As a serial monogamist myself, my fantasy woman is Gisele Bundchen. My new polyamorous fantasy is Gisele, Lucy Liu and Angelina Jolie. Looking at that last sentence, with me being a hedonist, polyamory doesn’t seem so bad, does it? ;-P :-D :-* <3

Well, i'm somewhat fatigued presently so I'm going to jump off, grab me some food and libations, and take to my bed. You guys enjoy your Manic Monday and be safe out there, okay? If you have any questions, suggestions, objections, or just wanna say hi, hit me up via email, Twitter, of Facebook. Be Peace, Stay Groovy, and God Bless!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Monday, March 7, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies - The Smartphone Experiment

Okay, I'm really sorry for the slow turnaround on the blogs that I promised you guys a week ago but between family, business, and good fashioned procrastination I became the victim of a series of unfortunate events. One of which is the damn internet went down ... Whoda thunk it? So I'm currently working off of my smartphone, please have some patience, friends. 

My sister, Sharon and I have some interesting conversations -- there's never a boring moment at any point in our exchanges. An often hotly debated topic in our conversations is this blog and how I can improve it. Well, it's often what SHE thinks will improve the blog and increase readership. Here's a glimpse of last Thursday's conversation:

"I'm feeling the blog, Bro, it's just that you don't do enough for the females. Everything is from a man's point of view... put something out there for the sista's!"

"Obviously, Sis, you haven't gone through the archives, I'm always writing sh*t the ladies ... if anything, the fellas aren't getting enough shine!" 

"Maaan, you should be writing something in the vein of 'How to spot a good woman' or 'What type of guys to avoid'" 

"Well, Oprah, there ARE NO good women running about in abundance so they're hard to spot ... sorta like Bigfoot. I may write something on the latter though" 

"I mean can you give the ladies something?"

"Whatever. I got you."

You see the shit I go through just to appease the masses? You ask and I do. :-/

Well, initially, I felt like an ass blogging something peeping chicks to game but then, after some thought, I realized that I'm not peeping game -- I'm peeping chick to dudes that give the game a bad name. After all the game is to be sold not told, correct? Anyway, I've decided to give the fellas some time-tested advice on how to avoid being labeled as a "jerk", "player", "loser', "pushover", etc. Even though today's women have some absurd expectations we can't live without them. It's like women are so demanding these days that some of the shit they demand seems delusional. Six-figure job? Check. Car? Check. Posh Crib? Check. AND a 11inch Dick? Baby, I'm a couple inches short but I make a mean plate of lamb chops. 

My new wife ADELE! Don't Sleep...

No matter how long you have been with your girl, odds are you have made a mistake. I’m not talking about a f*ck up, like cheating. I’m talking about critical miscues along the way that can doom things. Relationships can be very taxing on everyone, however, to avoid any unneeded stress, make certain you don’t do the sh*t I illustrate below.

Over promising and Under delivering.
This one usually happens in the very beginning. If you don’t keep it 100 with your girl from the start of the relationship, you may be setting yourself up to fail. Women want to be with a man they can see a realistic future with. You may have grand dreams of running a Fortune 500 company, or buying that 6000 square foot mansion in Miami. However, if you are currently living with mom and unemployed when you meet her, sell her on your personality and who you are as much as who you could become. I mean a job helps things immensely but you can only work with with you're working with, Champ.

Picking a Trophy Wife.
This is something that all brothas may want to do, and some get the luxury of having it. Be careful what you ask for though, as everything comes with a price. The beautiful eye candy on your arm is alluring to look at, but if she has no aspirations or goals other than spending your money, what do you really have? As I said in a blog last year, some chicks clean-up real well and judging a book by it's cover can lead you in the direction of heartache. I, presently, am sitting somewhere now scoping this sweetie that would be called a "Plain Jane" by Jane herself. But I know in a nice black or dark chocolate dinner-dress, Gucci Heels, and some of that Chanel Envy she can take Ozio's or U. Street by storm ... on MY arm of course. ;-D

Losing Yourself / Being a "YES" Man.

This tends to happen in women, but some brothas allow themselves to get lost in the sauce too. The man you are today should only be enhanced by your girl. There are still women that think they can change a man. If you are dealing with one of them, good luck. Also, there is a such thing as being too nice. It can also be called being a push over. No woman should get what they want from you every single time. Having your girl know that the word “NO” is in your vocabulary will help you in the long run.

Jealous One’s Envy.
I remember talking to a friend of mine about why he started dating this one particular girl, just a month after getting out of a 2 year long relationship. His answer was subtle and simple, because he wanted to make the ex jealous. See, the ex knew who this new girl was, and the ex also watched every comment and status update he made on his Facebook page. The moment he changed his status from “single” to “in a relationship”, she unfriended him. Mission accomplished in his eyes but how dumb is that? You're essentially using this girl for sake of making your old one jealous ... what part of the game is that? I am no angel and have never claimed to be anything near and an angel. Frankly speaking, I just may be the father of all scoundrels, but I've never been one to play one woman against the other for any reason. I get my mind right, money right, and move on.

The Sex.
We all have needs, and if you hook up with someone who can take care of yours, you are in business. If you are dealing with a woman that has the body of a goddess, the head game of a pornstar, and can make you hit high notes you never thought possible, it’s amazing what you will put up with in the relationship. She might not be able to cook, never gets to places on time, and vaguely remembers the last conversation you had, but all of that is secondary, right? Snap out of it, Bro! Sex is a important part of any intimate relationship but if you want long-term stability you have to look beyond the physical and broaden your gaze.

The Benefits.
Some women will give their man whatever they need, whether it’s loaning him a few dollars to pay an unexpected bill, or taking care of his car note for a few months while he went to school(true story). For some guys, relationships can be very beneficial financially, and if they are due to gain substantially by being with a woman, odds are they are sticking it through. But don't let a woman's generosity become your crutch or safety net, remember that you are still a man, and a man get his own.

Allowing 3rd Parties to dictate your relationship.
This could be in the form of her mother, grandmother, best friend, sister, etc. Any person(man or woman), who can influence your girl in your relationship as much as you may cause issues down the road. The last thing you want is a power struggle between yourself and your girl’s best friend over anything ... because you will more than likely lose.

Composing a blog on a smartphone is a pain in the ass, my friends. I shall continue when I reach my humble abode...

The Hedonist