Thursday, February 17, 2011

GLASS HOUSES: Sometimes ya gotta let sh*t go...

So I'm kicking ideas around with my Mountain Contingent about future topics in which to blog about and we actually came up with several really good ideas. Afterwards, I enter into a secret Facebook group that I'm apart of and came across a post concerning the alleged beating of O.J. Simpson at the hands of a Skinhead in prison. Now I can't vouch for the validity of the report because I haven't had time to research the specifics. I did hear that 'Ole Juice was bragging to some folk about how much Caucasian booty he was knocking down on the outside and some White Supremacist took offense. Now, once again, I haven't been able to vouch for the validity of the report but, whether it's true or no, I haven't at all liked the reasons and logic behind people's statements pertaining to the matter. I'm hearing things like "Good for him ... that's what he gets for dealing with those white bitches" and "See, if he hadn't turned his back on black people maybe someone would have had his back!" and "What goes around comes around. He like them white hoes so much now look what they are doing to him". Get the hell out of here with that shallow, erroneous thinking, black people. How socially counter-productive is this line of thinking? We are smart, educated people who can elevate our thought process and form reasonable opinions, correct?

Anywho, I may loose some friends behind this statement but who cares: O.J. Simpson doesn't owe you Negroes anything! To hear some folk tell it you would think black people passed the hat around and coughed-up the dough for his defense fund or something. I didn't see any of you Negroes selling cookies when he lost the civil suit to the tune of 30-plus million dollars, did I? Yep, that's exactly what I thought -- and exactly WHY are you so disgusted with 'Ole Juice? Is it cause he became a traveling circus after his acquittal or is it because he continued to date white women? Judging by most of the statements I've heard over the past 15 years it's the latter and that's just ignorant. First, O.J. Simpson IS an American Citizen which entitles him to date whomever accepts him as a mate. Do you really think it's sound thinking to believe that since a few of you came out with picket signs and sung Negro Spirituals, in front of the courthouse, that Mr. Simpson was supposed to change his dating preference? I can hear some of you saying "Well, when he was going through what he was going through it was the black people who was there for him". Wrong again, it was his family and that expensive, high-powered criminal-defense team he hired that was there for him. 

What I'm saying if you want to hate (Which is a VERY strong word) and dump on O.J. do it because of his crimes and poor choices not because he loves grey-eyed blonds. The Juice was trying to knock-down as much white tail as he could before his Viagra days and I understand that totally. 

I hear "He turned his back on his wife and the black community" quite often during my conversations concerning this man. First, O.J. wasn't a huge philanthropist to black folk even when he was married to his first wife who is black. Secondly, what went on between him and his wife is HIS damn business -- some of you need to take care of HOME first before you discuss a celebrity's marital affairs. Men of all races leave their wives every day for other women. O.J. just gets a lot of sh*t for his decision because you all have watched Waiting to Exhale too many damn times and he decided to murder his white woman (No shots fired ... I'm just stating MY opinion  :-/). 

Some of my friends and my family members are reading this now and saying I'm defending The Juice because I mostly date white women ... I KNOW this. That would be total bullsh*t. I, personally, believe O.J. was guilty of murder and he should have paid for his crime. I also think since his acquittal he has made exceedingly bad life-choices, and even though prison is prison, a man should be able to pay his debt to society without being brutally beaten and raped -- except for pedophiles. O.J. fucked-up. Bad. On several occasions. But he has a right to relative safety while serving his time no matter how much white ass he claims he's gotten.  

Look, I'm no O.J. Simpson apologist, friends. The Hedonist is only saying that if you are gonna sh*t on someone sh*t on them for a good reason, not because the race of his jump-off or significant other isn't the same yours. Stay Groovy, Be Peace, and God Bless! 

BTW - Me and my fellow blogger, KP (female), are coming with straight FIRE next week on the relationship tip! Be ready as you've been WARNED! 

UPDATE: I'VE SINCE LEARNED THAT THE REPORT WAS BOGUS, BULLSHIT, RIGMAROLE... i.e. Made-up madness! Nevertheless, I hope that you've read with UNDERSTANDING and stop hating without a reason. God Bless! 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Friday, February 11, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies - DON'T YOU GO FOR THAT GIRL!

I'm baaaaaack! Friends, I know you notice the Steve Harvey flick, and I am sure that you've heard about the latest drama that surrounds him and wife SECOND wife. I have a lot of thoughts on the old boy Steve but I will reserve judgement until all of the facts are dropped and the smoke clears. People say about Ole' Steve, "How the hell is he gonna give relationship advice and he's on this third wife?" That's just it, he's on his third wife, Steve has enough "Train-wreck Stories" for THREE MARRIAGES so why not share them with the world? Why not allow others to learn from your incompetence as far sustaining a healthy, faithful, and MONOGAMOUS relationship. But I will leave Steve alone for the time being.

Random Rant: So I have someone who's taken at least 30mins., out of their already useless and pathetic life to go through my ENTIRE BLOG CATALOG and check the "Shitty" Box on each one of my postings. *laughing* 1) Men don't do sh*t like that, so I know it isn't a dude. 2) I know I write good sh*t so this doesn't hurt. LOTS of folk tell me I write good shit from all over the country. 3) This is completely childish behavior. It's akin to pushing every button on the elevator then running off.

*laughing* You're a coward as I know who you are, LOSER! You should really do something with your life like take some online classes; get off of your fat ass and walk around the neighborhood; find someone who'll beat that stakin' thang up; or, simply, go out and get yourself a life. By the way, I DO know WHO you are, Loser ... there's FREE software for loser like YOU. Two paragraphs is enough for you. Be Gone! 

So I'm talking to my man Damien and the subject of Valentine's Day comes around which went a little something like this: 
"Yeah, Dee, what are you and your Honey gonna do on Monday? "
" *Damien laughing*  Dawg, I don't do fucking Valentine's Day ... haven't done it since me and my wife separated. Shiiiiiiit! Valentine's Day is 'Pay Myself Day' based on the money I save not treating a Hoe to food and chocolate."
"Wow! *laughing* So what did your girl say about that? She was cool with that excuse!"
"Dawg, I just told her that I had patients to see throughout the day so I will be busy, and I let her know that Valentine's Day is every day for us." 
"Wow! *laughing*"

Now you know, ladies, that Dee is off on Mondays, right? Yeah, it's not coolest thing for him to do nor is it the biggest lie he's ever told a broad ... I think. 
Nevertheless, the point I'm making is that it's a lie all the same and you ladies actually go for BS Stories like the above. I know that ultimately Dee will pay the price for his mocha lie but the chick should be ashamed for going for it in the first place. 
So, to the chagrin of all the fellas and the enlightenment of the ladies (not just the red-headed curvy numbers) I offer you The Hedonist's "Don't 'Chu Go For That, Girl" List. Peruse and Enjoy!

1. "I'll call you."

It isn't hard to make a phone call. At least it wasn't before text messaging replaced actual conversation and relationships were catapulted from social networking sites and Instant Messaging conversations. Yet somehow it seems easier for men to end a conversation with, "I'll call you later" or "I'll call you right back" instead of being honest and saying, "I will try to call. I might even think about it, but I most likely won't because my attention span is akin to a golden retriever's."

2. "My phone was dead/off/on silent."

Most of the lies men tell are directly linked to wrongdoing. READ: CHEATING. When a man says his phone is off, it usually means he was getting off...with someone other than you.

3. "Just the tip..."

Men want sex. It's their endgame. It's all that matters. If a guy tells you anything along the lines of, "We're just going to sleep," or "I just wanna talk," or even better, "We're just gonna lay here with our clothes off and rub up against each other for fun's sake," he's lying. This has been battle-tested since 9th Grade for ME and it has worked 98% of the time. A dude tells you this one you might as well reach into the night stand for a Magnum (Get at me ladies!).

4. "I've been busy."

We all know when we're getting written off. The truth of the matter is that people make time for the things they want to make time for. Yes, it can be a crazy week. Sure, he could be inundated with deadlines and meetings. Of course, his pet parakeet, Arthur, could have dropped dead and he's been busy making funeral arrangements, but it's more likely he isn't that busy at all. Just too busy to be bothered with making time for you.

5. Height

Similar to women giving or taking a solid six pounds from their weight, men seem to enjoy adding a few inches to their height. Ludicrous, because it's just so obvious. Right up there with toupees, Just For Men, and Rogaine. Have you ever listened to a 5'9 man state with much bravado that he is 6'? No, he is not. Four inches makes an ENORMOUS difference. Which leads us to...

6. "Size doesn't matter."

Please do not even bother with this one, ladies. It does. And if he's running around telling this little tale, I'm going to guess you know the itty, bitty truth.

7. "...This isn't what it looks like."

Women have eyes and most of them can see quite well, so when you walk in on a potentially bad situation and you get fed with "This isn't what it looks like," he is not only lying to you, but trying to convince you that your own eyes are liars as well. This will most likely piss you off even further. When it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and shits all over your shoes, well, you know what it is.

8. Number of sexual partners

Men think chicks win this lie war, but men are the kings of half-truths when it comes to bedpost notches. Men usually forget the number of women they've actually slept with, so instead of getting a solid 41, they give you a nice, rounded 50. It also does wonders for the ego.

9. "I love you."

Sad, but true. Some say women use sex to get love, while men use love to get sex. Men are incredibly simple creatures and one of their basic fundamentals for survival is getting laid. In fact, most of their daily activities contribute to the ultimate goal of getting laid, so uttering those three little words, while excessive and extreme, gets the job done... easily.

10. "It isn't you, it's me."

It isn't him. It's you.


Worth Mentioning (Honorably, of course):

11. "I'm single." 

Men somehow forget when they're single, so instead they just lie. "She's not my girlfriend"; "we aren't exclusive"; "I'm married, but we're unhappy or separated (but living in the same house...)". These are all some personal favorites.

12. "You look good in that outfit." (aka "you don't look fat")

This one is a bit of a freebie, as guys have little choice in the matter. One of the first life lessons young boys are taught is to always say a woman looks good in whatever she has on when prompted. Who cares if she's wearing a dead swan wrapped around her body? When she says, "honey, does this look okay?" it is a man's job to lie, lie, and lie some more by simply saying, "Yep."

13. "I will not think differently of you, if you..."

Double standards are an absolute killer. Don't fall for it. We will absolutely think differently of you... and will probably have the video (Yeah, baby!!! *Austin Powers voice) as proof.

They say honesty is the best policy, but somehow, that memo didn't quite reach the male species. Men love to claim that women are the best liars around, but most men simply don't tell the truth; at least, not the whole truth. They just get better at lying. Or at least they think they do.

That's all I have for now. I'm about to tread out and have cop this NEW Android Phone that's not even dropping for another two weeks ... to the general consumer but I know a guy. ;-) In addition, I think Sissy and Momma Mia wanna have a drink or two. My New York excursion has been postponed due to bad timing so I'm gonna try to catch one of my oldest and dearest friends who visiting from, WAIT FOR IT, NYC! 

Lastly, sorry for dropping the blog without ample pics, friends. Blogger was acting really shitty and wouldn't allow me to insert and images without screwing around with my formatting. I think I will try Wordpress next time. My girl  @SassyMcKnockers Wordpress and she's delighted. 

Enjoy your weekend and Valentine's Day. God Bless, Be Peace, and Stay Groovy! 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Hell in a Hand Basket - It takes two to tangle

Do any of you watch the Ricky Gervais Show on HBO? HILARIOUS! Absolutely.Fucking.Hilarious. These guys are comedic geniuses ... really they are. *sighing* Much to my chagrin, I'm battling insomnia once again (did I just UNCONSCIOUSLY make those two phrases rhyme? Oh shit, Jay-Z, I'm coming for that ass!), thus is the reason I'm up pounding out this random installment of "Rantings and Misadventures" while watching this awesome program. Usually, I would be in the kitchen throwing something together (Yes, at this ungodly hour - 2:34am) but I'm out of wine. And like any self-respecting, proper gentleman a glass of sauvignon blanc with a late meal is a must. The curvy, 30-something red-head is optional but I must insist on the sauvignon blanc when I'm dining this late, so the late meal is out of the question. With that said, friends, I will let you in on what's currently on my mind...

Wanna talk about Baby Mama Drama? The big homie, Gilbert Arenas, has it in spades. Seems his BM backed a moving truck up to the front door of his crib in Virginia and cleaned the spot out! I mean, sista girl took EVERYTHING ... wiped him out. Old girl even took the SHARK TANK and the SNEAKER COLLECTION. She says that Gil hasn't paid child support on his three crumb-snatchers (AND she has one in the oven?!? You hear that train? Yeah, THAT one ... it's always on time.) in three months. Now, I don't feel sorry for a Negro making 1.5 million A MONTH (not an exaggeration, look it up yourself!) not feeding his kids but, ladies, there's a correct way and incorrect way of doing things. Old girl needs to understand that this is not some chitterling-cinema movie directed by Tyler Perry. You can't conduct a robbery of someone's home because you're pissed off your scheme to trap the owner hit a snag! You are NOT married to this man, darling; that mansion, shark tank, weed, platinum chain, and porn collection belongs to Gilbert Arenas. You want him to make good on his child support arrears, get council, go down to the courthouse and have the judge garnish that monthly 1.5 million. Simple. 

I can go into the "reported" sordid details such as Gil bounced on the day before Thanksgiving, or she was screwing Shaq and wrecked his home, and so on and so forth. And, ladies, I know a dry purse and wet pussy don't mix, but there's a bigger picture here: The four kids involved in this whole melodrama of incompetence and foolish behavior. How is this affecting the kids? They are 5,4, and 2, they can't possibly understand the dynamics of all of this fuckery. Fathers can’t carry children in a womb, but once a child is in the world, fathers can provide nurturing and support to children in a way that is as necessary as the nurturing and support a mother provides. And, with that said, Gilbert should now be in the mindset of how he can attain the most interaction with his little ones, with the least amount of conflict with the mother. 

Gil, you have accumulated pretty close to 100 million, you can get more weed and shark tanks. But you will only get that "walk to the Bus Stop on the first day of school experience" with each individual child once; or have that birds and bees talk once; or that "don't listen to your mother, it's okay to marry a white woman " conversation once. When fathers are in or around the home consistently, boys are taught self control, which is crucial in their teen years. Without limits set by a stable male figure, many young boys have difficulty determining where the world begins and where they end. And, having Poppa Dukes around provides healthy role models for boys who are able to imagine what their future lives can be like based upon a stable adult male figure. A young cat is able to make the transition to husband, father and productive member of society when an example is in his life. Without such examples, negative role models become the standard bearers, including gang members, pimps, thugs and other miscreants from society.

What does this mean?

Look, I'm not on my soapbox, friends -- I'm quite possibly the father of all scoundrels, but I know right from wrong, and they both are wrong. Gil, is probably in the "nappy dug-out" as I type and Old Girl is probably scheming on how to get on Basketball Wives next season. Who cares as long as they do the right thing, agreed? And the right thing is being considerate to one another and learn how to parent as separate individuals since they can't do it as a couple. The kids would have eaten without you taking the man's shit, baby. Our country's Family Court System is notorious for giving mothers of absurdly wealthy men's children absurds amount of money monthly -- look at Nas' dumb, broke-ass. What you did, Laura, is pour gasoline on what seems to have been an already volatile situation. That Negro is gonna play hard-ball now. I mean, if you took MY shark tank I'd be mad as shit too, Laura. This is compounded with the fact that Gilbert isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer either, so he has a hard time visualizing the BIG PICTURE. C'mon, Laura, we're talking about a Negro that took loaded pistols to WORK in a town WHERE GUNS ARE ILLEGAL! *smdh* I only pray that you guys put aside the pettiness and anger for the kids sake and make the transition go smoothly for THEM, not your own selfish asses. 

Well, friends, that's all I have until Wednesday (or Thursday .... or Friday) but thanks for humoring me and reading the madness I jot down on a whim. Oh, and keep the emails coming, as they make the blog that much more interesting! God Bless and Stay Groovy!

Your Old Pal, 

The Hedonist