Monday, January 31, 2011

YOUR QUESTIONS - Lies, Threesomes, and Getting ditched...

Ladies and Gents, ALWAYS practice safe sex! 
So it's the last Sunday in the month and that means it's time, your boy, The Hedonist answers the your emails. In addition, I have a lot on my mind which I will touch on but only briefly as it's enough for a total different installment. I will say that I had to curse me a motherf*^ker out though, and that's out-of-character for me. I know, I know ... but f*ck it, I'm not apologizing. I'm not one to allow a person to keep poke and prodding me, offering sarcastic and sly remarks for comedic value, and trying to manipulate situations. I'm Smitty and Honey's son, and Vera's adopted son ... I was taught my the best. My oldest sister, India, in her day, didn't have a rival in looks, smarts, and game. India was Lisa Bonet with street-smarts who could make a mean plate of chicken wing with Mac-and-Cheese. No bullshit. With that said, I will pray on it and get some good rest tonight. 

Well, as the blog title states, I have a hodge podge of questions hand-picked out of the many emails, IM's, and texts received over the past 30 days. I decided to focus on the fellas this month since my boy, Miles, said "Pat, why is most of the sh*t you writing about lately for them damn chicken heads? You forgot about your dawgs? We ain't getting no love? Next you gonna be writing them gay-ass, love stories like Zane and that Ho with the gay ex-husband!" Whoa! Miles, we went to college together, Home Slice, but I'm not particularly digging how you're using the term "gay", Playa-Pimp, though I get where you're going with the tone of your correspondence. 

The first question is one I want to get out of the way first as I've known this cat since we were riding dirt-bikes and jumping them over ramps. In fact, he was there when we ran our first train in Joe Davis' basement back in the day. *sighing* The antics of horny teenage boys, what a wonderful thing. Good Times! 


Hey Pat,

Long time, Boy. You're doing pretty good with this blog thing. I fuck with it. My wife (ex) and her sister even read it. I would hook you up but I see you've changed since we were in school. I don't see you out with many sista's, dog. Getting to the point, I need your opinion on something. I’m really clueless as to what I should do about the situation I’m in.

I was with Kayla for over one month. We had an OK time, we enjoyed each others' company, and we both said “I love you” to each other. She was my second 
girlfriend, while I’m Kayla’s first boyfriend. We talked about my ex. Kayla was shocked that I was in a seven-plus-year relationship that I ended not too long ago, but she was able to handle this part of my past and we got closer. She told me that at least we were sharing, which helps to build trust.

Still Married (The Train Wreck)

Well, the bad news is that I’m actually married to my ex. I recently told Kayla the truth, and that I would be finalizing my divorce in the next few months. But she’s afraid of the drama and baggage and how being married will affect us in the future. I told that it would not affect me and that I have moved on. I’m confident that I can have a new relationship that is strong and can last. Kayla now says that she cannot accept the fact that I was married before and she minds that I started a relationship with her while I was still married. She feels that she needs time to think and we agreed that it would be better that we remain friends, which kind of sucks. Deep down, I feel that Kayla is gone.

The worst part of all this is that we are work colleagues. Kayla is kind of withdrawn, and I can’t stop feeling and looking sad. She does not initiate any conversation with me. She’ll smile and respond if I talk to her, but it is not spontaneous or enjoyable. It seems that she does not want to be reminded of me, and has stopped using the phone I gave her, too.

I’m at a loss as to what I should do now. I really want Kayla back. Pat, what the hell is the deal?
The Hedonist's Response:

Marv Baby The Most Shady,

First off, let me get this straight. After only 30 damn days you’re actually saying, “I love you” to this broad? Negro, you’re not supposed to ever tell a woman “I love you.”, let alone a MARRIED MAN, what the hell is wrong with you? *smdh* It’s the antithesis of
the hunt
. And by the way, from what you’re telling me, it’s no surprise whatsoever that neither of you have dated much.

Why the hell should Kayla be shocked that you were in a seven-day, seven-month or seven-year relationship? What’s the big deal? Your soon-to-be ex-wife is already gone, right? The point is this: All of Kayla’s professed shock that you’re married is just an excuse for her not digging you that much. And she was going to convey that sentiment in one way or another at some point. When she said “at least we’re sharing,” it sounds like Kayla was thinking that she wasn’t all that excited about being with you and that she was thinking of something else that could be better -- like another man and another relationship.

Can Marv get this sweet thang back?...

She's really not that into you, Champ.
All of Kayla’s concerns about you being married is really just the second reason she wants to put distance between the two of you. Like I said, she not that into you, so she has to concoct some phony rationale for why you can’t be together. If you thought she was going to give you the booty you're really not that dude from Joe Davis' basement. Even if what you’re saying is true -- that you have no baggage from your marriage and that you’re ready to move on -- she’s not going to believe you because her interest in you is so weak. To you Psych majors: When a woman has low interest in you, it’s going to have a ripple effect. In other words, it’s going to affect everything that happens between the two of you.
That said, Kayla’s absolutely right that it was wrong you started a relationship with her while you were still married, and kept her in the dark about it. You should have told her that you’d filed the divorce papers and everything would be wrapped up in 60 days. Like my Sissy says: “The reality is that you shouldn’t date while you’re still married.” You have to wait until the legal proceedings are completely finished before you start seriously seeing a woman. But of course, like most men, you’re rushing everything because you don’t know how to be on your own for more than three seconds. Just saying... :-/

Poof!!! Off to The Friend Zone... the DREADED Friend Zone

Sadly, Marv, you’re on the money -- Kayla is gone. And when you’ve been dumped, women always hand you that stuff about being “friends,” which means absolutely nothing. “Let’s just be friends” is actually chick-talk for, “I’m never going to talk to you again for the rest of my life, let alone allow you to experience this cowgirl!”  **In my Homer Simpson voice**  "Ummm, Cowgirl."

Since you and Kayla are work colleagues, now you’ll get to face her every single day. Well done, Marv. That should be loads of fun. And why are you moping around, Playa? Put on a happy face and start hustling other women, but just make sure you get your divorce papers FIRST, of course. *smdh*

Once A Liar…

Your interactions with old girl from now on are not going to be enjoyable because you withheld information from her -- in a sense, you lied to her by omission -- when you went out with her. No wonder she’s distant and feels let down. I don’t blame her. My main man, The Great Gazoo, says: “Let’s face it, man -- you’re a liar and a sneak.” Women really hate liars and sneaks, Marv.

I would be amiss if I didn't touch on THIS: You gave a woman a phone after going out with her for a 
month? What the hell are you doing, keeping tabs on her already? Really, Marv, how dumb was that? I think we may have to have a sit-down on this one.

Playboy, you have absolutely zero hope with this broad. You screwed this up from the very beginning, you made a lot of mistakes and you don’t have any recourse whatsoever.
 When you do boneheaded shit like this, you get to face a girl that you like AT WORK for the rest of your life until one of you quits or she meets me downtown. ;O)  ...I'm only half-kidding, Marv. Just like Charlene in Joe's Basement that Monday ... she's fair game. I still love you though, Old Friend, just get a divorce and have a happy, productive life.

Remember, guys: Women don’t like dating married men unless they're skanks.

The Novice


I’m a fairly new reader, I've only read 
once or twice but my sister swears by you now.

At my new job, Kennedy immediately caught my eye. One day I asked her out for a drink. She said yes, but then I had a schedule conflict and couldn’t do it. She invited me to reschedule, but I never got around to it.
In the meantime, another woman I work with, Heidi, invited me to hang out with her and a bunch of her girls at a bar on karaoke night. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to reconnect with Kennedy since she and Heidi are friends. I know your position on group dates, so I decided that I would do it a little differently.

Left Alone At The Bar

I texted Kennedy, telling her the group plans, and asked her if she’d like to come along. She said yes, and I told her that I would get a separate table, away from Heidi’s group, so that we could talk to each other with fewer distractions. She was perfectly fine with that idea.

That night, I arrived at the bar and texted Kennedy to let her know I was there. No response. After waiting 30 minutes, I was joined by a buddy and proceeded with the night as if nothing had changed.

My friend pointed out that I’d been stood up by Kennedy and suggested I text her. I said no based mostly (if not entirely) on what I’ve gleaned so far from what I take from your mindset. I treated it like a one-pitch tourney. They only get one pitch to look at and I throw
nothing but strikes
. Their only option is to either hit the ball or be called out. In Kennedy's case, I grooved her a hanging curveball right over the middle of the plate, but she couldn’t hit it. In my mind, she struck out.

Reasons Or Excuses?

A couple hours later, after my friend and I hopped to another bar, I got a text from Kennedy. She said that she had fallen asleep watching a movie and was very sorry. I didn’t buy her excuse. Also, missing from her apology was any hint of a counteroffer. My response was to say “No problem,” to show that I was completely unfazed.  

I expect that at some point Kennedy will shoot me a “fishing text” to see how I feel. When and if this happens, how should I deal with it? Second, what if she asks me out later, or what if she approaches me with a delayed counteroffer? How should I handle that? I understand that things happen and my previous assumptions could be wrong, but if the tables turn and I’m the one in the batter’s box, I don’t want to get hit by the pitch either.

The Hedonist's Response

Hi Bryant,

First of all, let me explain something to you: 1) I HATE baseball.  2) You are not as smooth as you think. Bryant, you sent me a picture of yourself ... I'm a DUDE, dude!!! *smdh*  3) I HATE baseball.

Now let’s take a look at your schedule conflict. Right off the bat you screwed up, Bryant.
You asked a girl out when you had something else to do. So you blew your chance with her. Then you never got around to rescheduling. How could you be so sloppy, paisan?  Think about it: A girl asks you to reschedule and you don’t do it. What’s wrong with you, playa? Don’t you understand that you have to be assertive? You have to jump on leads. You have to 
close. But you’re not a leader and you’re doing everything wrong. *sighing* 

The Hedonist explains what else could have prevented this situation next...

As if messing up that first date wasn’t bad enough, then you went and muddied the waters by getting Heidi involved. Why? Heidi shouldn’t have been anywhere near this situation. These are two separate deals, Bryant. You don’t have two relationships going with these women, so why did you insist on such a foolhardy arrangement?

A Group Date By Any Other Name...

You shouldn’t have asked Kennedy to meet you at a bar with a gang of people you work with. You should have gone out with her alone. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you ask a girl out. You’re mixing oil and water here, playboy. You might think that you’re going to talk to the girl with fewer distractions, but you’re still in the same room as all these other people you know who could cause you any number of problems. It’s a messy setup and can lead to nothing good.

Why did you 
text Kennedy when you got to the bar? Were you checking in with her? Kennedy's a big girl. She knew she was supposed to be at the bar. She wasn’t there because she didn't want to be there. No reason for a text message.

You might think you were running a one-pitch tourney (whatever THAT means) with Kennedy, but the truth of the matter is that you struck out with her long before karaoke night. And by the way, you never to use the phrase “no problem,” because there are two negatives in it. Another mistake. It’s clear you have a long way to go...

Dead In The Water

You don’t have to worry about Kennedy shooting you a fishing text. She’ll never contact you again as long as you’re on the face of the planet. Think about it: You can’t even pull off a first date with her, so why should she call you? She already knows all she needs to know about you. But if she does call you, don’t deal with her at all. Erase her message. But do you actually think this girl is going to hit you up two years later with a delayed counteroffer after she doesn’t show up for a date? Keep dreaming.

You screwed this thing up when you failed to come through with that first date, dude. Then you went for an ill-advised group date
. So what did you do? You bent the rule and tried to modify it. No wonder you flopped. #majorfail

I wouldn't worry about old girl, Bryant. You live in Bmore, and I know that there plenty of chicks up there. They may not be the best-looking chicks on the East-Coast, or even the Mid-East Region, but they're chicks all the same. Come 35mins. down the BW Parkway and I'll show you how WE DO IT down here in D.C. 

Every Guys Fantasy 

Yo Pat,

What do ya think about threesomes? My girl used to go both ways back in the day and she wants to give me a special birthday gift next month. She said her ex-girlfriend is down and I always wanted some Chinese Ass. 


The Hedonist's Response:

*laughing very loudly* So, Dee, I suppose you want the comedic answer judging by the tone of your correspondence. *sighing* Let me start by saying if you were a SINGLE, strapping, unattached cat, my answer would be very different (AND I would let you borrow my video camera, bullshit). But I know you and your girl so I would have to give that idea THREE thumbs down and here's the reason:  Threesomes simply don't work if you are in a committed relationship. Period. I have seen too many couples break up over them. The emotional scars and hurt feelings, ranging from being the one "left out," to having one's spouse be more interested in the new partner and falling in love with the other person, are difficult to get past. I would be very interested in hearing about any threesomes that have resulted in long-term happiness, peace of mind, or complete satisfaction for all three partners.
I have only seen the tragically awkward and complicated sides of the threesome story. For both men and women, it is easy to develop feelings for someone you have been physically intimate with, since falling in love and having sex often go together. If either of you falls in love with the third partner, it becomes confusing outside of the bedroom. The woman can feel romantic outside the bedroom toward the other woman too, leaving the man out in the cold. Of course, the reverse could be true as well. The man can fall for the other man and abandon his original love interest.
Jealousy, also comes into the picture. The girl with smaller breasts may compare herself to the other woman and think that is why she is getting less attention, feeling ugly and worthless (Me, I love small and large breast all the same! ;O) Ladies, get at me!!!!!  ;-P). One chick told me, "I did a threesome with another woman. My boyfriend and her were paying so much attention to each other, I began to feel neglected. I wondered if it was because I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, or that my hair was the wrong color. Was he just bored with me? We broke up and I had to watch them become the new couple. I'm still not over it."
Therefore it is important to pay equal attention to both partners, or more to your spouse/significant other, but definitely not the other way around. Is that what you want? To keep tally of how much equal attention is being distributed in the heat of the moment?
Unless you can separate sex from love, I say stay away from threesomes.  If one of the partners has an STD or gets pregnant, further complications arise. Sex and love are among the greatest joys in life ... TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. But if we take these matters trivially, lightly, without understanding the consequences, there is nothing but trouble ahead. 

I'm only being real with you, Old Friend. You know I like good snatch and head as much as the next man. And you mentioned something about an ASIAN DIME-PIECE? Wow. Believe me, main man, I was torn on this one but right is right, and my job isn't to tell you some shit that'll complicate your life. Tell your sweetie if she wants to give you something special for your birthday; tell her to get you an iPad, an Autographed Gibson Acoustic Guitar, March Madness Tickets, or something along those lines. Kinky is good but should be shared amongst a dynamic duo not a treacherous trio. I hope this helps, Playboy. 

Damn, here it is another month almost shot, friends; Let the countdown to, 2012, the end of human civilization begin. I sometimes wonder how many of you out there are keeping up on the Doomsday Theory. I can't say I'm taking steps in the direction of cleansing my soul and securing a spot at the J. Christ Plaza and Resort in Heaven, folks. But what I can say is that the Mayans were a civilization of mathematicians, astronomers, and scholars far head of their time and their prediction does warrant some investigation -- even if it's just something to do in your spare time.  

Okay, that's all I have until Wednesday, friends. I will update you on several things I have been kicking around concerning dating from afar, a late-night visitor and coffee, how small of a world it is, who I had to curse out and exactly why, and my favorite girl (you ALL know who she is ... I speak of her often). God Bless, Stay Groovy and Be Peace!  <3  ;-P

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies - Why buy the cow?

Friends, timing is everything, and don't allow anyone tell you anything different -- Good and bad timing alike. Audi had a winter clearance sale, and my buddy's tax refund was hefty. Do you know that he got an A8 Limited at 8k off of retail? That's a case of good timing. On the other hand, while in seventh grade, I was told to join the Concert Band in junior high school. I procrastinated for the entire week of sign-ups, went on the last day, and ended up with the tuba ... bad timing although I became a guru in all things bass clef. I offer these two examples of good and bad timing as illustrations of how timing can alter one's course in life. My man is getting more tail than Charlie Sheen at a porn convention these days due to really good timing. While, Pee-Wee Herman nearly tanked his career due to really bad timing and a very observant theater employee. Sharon asks me all of the time, "Why haven't you settled down and gotten married, Kris?", and the only thing I can tell her is that the timing isn't there (compounded with the lack of quality applicants and marriage just may be a failed institution in Western Culture). Earlier today I was asked by a dear, distant friend --who's also an incredible woman and single mommy-- why us fellas run from the idea of "committing"? Now "committing" is a subjective word but we are going to look at it in terms of the institution of marriage. 
  No matter your age, fellas, you have likely been in a relationship where your sweetie brought up the “C” word or marriage before you did. Shit may have been going smoothly, up until that conversation came up. Sometimes it makes us squirm, other times (most times) it makes us lie. There are even other occasions when it winds up being "the talk" that ends the relationship. No matter what scenario, one thing is certain: There are reasons some of us hate to commit.

A huge reason we don't commit, ladies... a lady on the side i.e. Our JUMP-OFF! ;)

Is She Ms Right or Ms Right Now?
For one reason or another, we don’t have that gut feeling that the broad we are dealing with at the moment is “Ms. Right.” The “Ms. Right Now” tag is a hard one to shake unless there are some true revelations that a brotha can feel confident in. 

Birds of a Feather Flock Together. (Ladies)
One way to tell if he is truly ready to settle down is to look at who is in his close circle of friends. Is he still surrounding his self with fellas that are single, or perhaps “single-minded” ? Do does he do the same things now seeing you as he did when he was single?

Sex keeps you coming back.
If you can answer yes to the following question honestly, then this one doesn’t apply to you.
“IF me and my girl never had sex for the rest of the year, I would still love her as much as I do now.” ...hard one, huh? And I mean WITHOUT getting any booty from the Jump-off. Yeah ... that's what I thought.

Full Court Pressure.
There is nothing worse than dealing with a woman who is putting on a full court press that resembles the Pistons defense back in the day. For some reason, there are some women that think putting pressure or an ultimatum on a man is the answer to get what they want. Usually all that does is speed up their relationship status changing on Facebook to single. No, bullshit...

Priorities Don’t Match Up.
Depending on where both of you are in your lives, you may not be as good of a “match” as you both think. 
Perhaps your lady has kids, in which they will always be first and foremost in her life. She may be in grad school pursuing her dream of being a doctor/lawyer etc, and thus doesn’t have the time you may need. On the flip side, you may be an aspiring businessman starting your dream and putting in 70 hours a week. It takes a patient, strong woman to deal with that too.

You still have a roster. ;-D
This is another gut check that only you can truly answer. If you are dating a woman, and she is ready to make things serious, yet you still have three or four other dimes in your rotation, it will be tough to make that choice and cut the rest off, if again you aren’t sure she is “the one”.

 He just isn't ready. (Ladies)
This one usually takes the cake, and encompasses various reasons. He may not be in a place emotionally to invest energy into another relationship. Financially, he also may be trying to get his self to a point where he feels comfortable involving someone else in his life.

The time, energy, and selflessness needed to make a relationship work cannot be taken for granted. There are times(often) when a woman is ready to commit, or take a relationship to the next level faster than a man. In those cases, how he handles that interaction with you will be key to how the relationship goes from there.

Let me explain that the above list doesn't offer "blanket coverage" because all situations are different. Example: What if you are in a relationship for a decade (off and on) and the guy refuses to commit. From a man's point of view this is fuckery and should be nipped in the bud asap. If a guy says he isn't comfortable, ready, or is uneasy with the idea of committing after a decade he is: 

1) A user - **In my Compton She'Quinta - Monay voice** Honey, you're giving him all of that good booty and sloppy blow jobs every night, and all of that good shower lovin'? In addition, to loaning his ass money when he's broke, cooking food when he's hungry all these years, and he still doesn't want to walk down the isle? Chile please! Minus the sex you're nothing but his sister or auntie. 

2) Has another woman i.e. A Jump-off - I know will have be investigated and have my Playa Card suspended until June but f*^k it here it is: Ladies, most single, successful, handsome guys can't go six-months without rotating his booty calls let alone a decade. A man is only as faithful as his options and if he has options he's gonna cheat after a decade (and throughout) -- I don't care how good your cowgirl is; if you make the best Kool-Aid since Good Times; you have brought the fool every iPhone since 2005, or you've given him a kidney. Men get bored. In addition, there's no consequences if he steps out ... there isn't any ring on his finger. No alimony to pay. Nada. Zip. Zero. Nothing. So you think he isn't banging some curvy chick on the side? **In my Uniqua-Chamore from Chicago Voice** Chile please. This is coming from one of D.C.'s Best and the SON of D.C.'s GREATEST PLAYER "Smitty" . 

3) He's comfortable and doesn't want the "burden" i.e. responsibility - Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free? That's how men think as a whole. He may love you and buy you and your kids nice things. He knows Sissy, Auntie, Pops, and Moms, but marriage is a LEGAL and, for some, a spiritual commitment with a higher power. Why go through all of that then you're playing house and getting all of that good loving (making babies) without paperwork? That's foolish. There's a song by Loose Ends called "Don't Be A Fool" ... Chile, please, you better listen, take heed, and keep it movin'! **In my NeNe from RHWOA voice** 

The Hedonist is saying this to say this:  if you're submerged in such a long state of madness my advice would be to cut your losses, give yourself a year to heal (that means no booty calls or flings), and move-on with your life. You deserved to be loved, adored, and happy. If a cat isn't willing to seal the deal after a decade it won't happen. Trust me on this one. In addition, know that you haven't done ANYTHING wrong; because if you HAD wronged him HE would have left YOU. Trust.  

Well, that's all I have for now. Actually, this was somewhat of an emergency blog for a good friend, mother, and overall cool cat. Keep your head up and somebody loves you, Cutie! ;O) 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist