Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Sex and Candy (Your Questions): NAPPY DUGOUT & MILE-HIGH CLUB

I’m back one mo ‘gain, friends! ...yes, I’m here to talk my shit again if allowed and the powers at be don’t shut me down. Which, in such a case, I will start ANOTHER blog and re-post my present collection of jewels in a “BEST OF” column as I have them all saved in a secret location, in a secret safe, on my secret base. Nevertheless, the weekend was hot and cold as I sort of expected, gang. I ventured out of town and spent time with family and friends, and had three days of awesome food, but the Redskins LOST AGAIN and there was no Rock Star Sex. I know, right … what the hell was I thinking? Long story. Today we will address Milo’s unkempt girlfriend (He sent me pics) then venture over to Black Wayne whose drop-dead, gorgeous, dirty blond girlfriend (No bullshit, she is a WIN-NER … he sent me pics too.) made him a junior member of the Mile-High Club. After-which, we will address a lame named Samuel who’s just an all-around bag of uncut dicks who doesn’t support his five damn kids.

Random Rant: Look, I love you all who are my Facebook friends and family, BUT if ONE MORE of you send me a request to play another of the those sorry-ass, time-wasting, non-entertaining FACEBOOK GAMES? I am going to come to your place of employment and put my foot so far up your butt it’s gonna extend through your navel!! I’m am not kidding.

Let’s get back the our friends with problems and questions, shall we?

Dear Kris,

I’ve met my girl on www.blackpeoplemeet.com (she’s black and i’m white), and hit it off good for quite a long time. We became fast friends and the sex was awesome. We were compatible on every conceivable level and started talking about a long-term arrangement. Shortly after those conversations --slowly but surely-- things started to go downhill. I know you don’t like “sistas” but try to imagine hair that was done twice month being in the same ponytail for two months! And now she has to the nerve to be putting on weight along with her hygiene dropping. She doesn’t stink or anything but she knows I love it when it’s completely bald down there. “That” doesn’t stink either but she is a black woman and it can get quite nappy down there, you know? What I am asking is what should I do or what can i do to change my situation for the better? And try not to clown me like you do all of the other poor saps who write in.

Milo H.

Okay, Milo, lets get one thing straight: I never SAID that I didn’t like black women. What I SAID was I’ve ran through so many, in my younger years, that I have left them to rank amateurs such as yourself. It’s called evolution, Milo, and in this case my taste in women have evolved. What I eat doesn’t make anyone else shit so to each its own. *sighing* ...back to you, Milo.

Remember the first time you met your shorty? Didn’t you love those skintight jeans and the grill that made it possible to look her in the eyes? All of the dieting, Pilates, and expensive hair appointments transformed her into a beautiful chocolate brickhouse and a head-turner any street in Tucson, AZ. Now snap back to the present: It's a year later and an expired gym membership, several discount hair chops, and hundreds of weekends in extra large sweats later and your head-turning partner has become a head-scratching dilemma.

Truth be told, she’s letting herself go.

There could be a number of reasons why she’s letting herself go, but you don't have the time or the psychology degree to figure out all the ”whys.” You should, however, devise a plan to figure out how you are going to change her current attitude and smell, playboy.

Ask any woman and she will tell you “beauty is pain.” Not only does it mean that it hurts to stay attractive (Bikini wax anyone?) but that it's also a pain in her (once toned) butt to keep up the upkeep. So, now she’s letting herself go because it’s much easier to maintain the hygiene habits of an 11-year-old boy. Now her finger nails are short and dirty, she doesn’t shave (anywhere) often enough and she gets her hair cut and colored in salons that you wouldn’t take your Rottweiler to.

Get her feeling fresh and frisky: Buy her a gift certificate for a day at the spa. Find a place that specializes in the maintenance of all the female areas and buy certificates for specific treatments like facials, nails, waxing or massages or one general certificate and let her choose how she spends it. At least something will get groomed. Give it to her as a ”just because” gift and mention how she deserves to be pampered -- then casually hint that you like it when she is waxed and manicured (I DO).

It used to be that you couldn’t drag her out of Saks or Neiman’s. Now, she has traded in her designer attire for box-store discount duds. She has started to dress like a mom -- worse, she’s letting herself go and becoming your mom -- and it’s a major turnoff. The fact is that, just like men, at some point women care more about comfort than style and label. Also, if she has packed on more than a few pounds, she is going to pick clothes that she thinks will hide her extra weight. Unless, she has the mentality of one of those hoes on Mediatakeout.com who will wear anything and still thinks she looks good.

Get her dressed to kill: Offer to take her shopping on your dime. Help her pick out outfits by telling her exactly what clothes you like and don’t like on her. If she sees that you keep picking tight shirts and low-rise jeans, she will get the hint. Make sure to venture into the lingerie section for nighttime attire and downtown to the Sex Shop. Ask her out on evening dates and tell her ass to get dressed up. Take her places where she knows other women will be dressed to impress so her fat-ass has to dress well.

Life starts moving fast while the metabolism starts slowing down. Here’s a scenario that might explain why she’s letting herself go (But she just might be lazy, Milo!): She’s too tired to hit the gym and she’s always on the go, which leads her to constantly eat on the go. She’s letting herself go because she’s finding it impossible to eat healthy, which is leading to unwanted pounds. You want to tell her to hit the treadmill, but she would drop a 45-pound plate on your skull if you made any indication that she needed to lose weight. A few extra pounds may lead to a few bigger dress sizes and she becomes a fun-house mirror image of her old self. Me, I like me a thicker, curvy dame, Milo -- if you are a loyal reader you would know that … their cowgirl is much better.

Get her back into fighting shape: Make it all about you. Tell her you are feeling overweight and self-conscious and want to lose some weight. Ask her to be your gym buddy. If she doesn’t like grunting it out at the gym, find activities that promote fitness but don't feel like working out. Arrange some ”workout dates” like biking, hiking and stop for a low-fat snack afterward. Many women need an event for which to get ready; why do you think she looked so good on your wedding day? Pick an event to prepare for and train with her to run a 5K or to look your best for your next high school reunion.

You have your work cut-out for you, playboy, just be subtle and tread lightly into each conversation you bring up about her weight, clothing choices and the fact that she has more underarm hair than a barber shop, in Harlem, on a Saturday. Each of these problems is easily remedied. Most important in all of this is to try to get to the bottom of exactly why she’s letting herself go. It could be something even more serious than just lack of time or effort. She looks pretty decent now so the situation isn't dire. But are you laying the pipe like you used to, Milo? I mean there are multiple sides to every story. I can see you not eating the snatch when the hair is as nappy as Anthony Hamilton’s BEFORE he got a record deal; but what made your bubble-but, chocolate sex-kitten “go natural” and grow a pubic afro? Did you stop eating the puss-puss and she simply saw no reason to keep it squeaky clean? Also, what about the weight, Payboy? You can’t handle a curvy dame, huh? You knew when you got with her that those Nubian hips were gonna spread -- are you afraid to try it out for one winter? BBW and “Chubby” Porn is some the best ya gonna see these days, Milo … no bullshit. Anywho, I hope this helps, Milo, and you can get some of what you desire in the long run. Always be aware of her feelings and take it lite in your conversations. Don’t say something insensitive and STUPID that’ll make her leave you high and dry, okay? You don’t want her reading your follow-up email to me, Milo, while sitting that phat-ass on my lap, in front of my computer, drinking a glass of Pink Moscato, IN HER PANTIES … IN ONE OF MY T-SHIRTS. Be peace. ;O)


While on a plane a few weeks ago, I had a really cool experience. My girlfriend jacked me off under a blanket, and nobody saw -- or so we thought. Everything about that was cool, but the flight attendant came up to us and said someone reported we were being inappropriate and disruptive. She asked for our information. I’m scared something might happen. Can they sue us, arrest us or fine us?

Black Wayne

**In my Denzel Washington, Training Day Voice** MY NIGGA! Congrats!! Well, that’s a variation of the mile-high club. I think you need penetration to technically earn your wings (or get some sloppy head), but I’ll give you an honorable mention at the very least. I’m not a lawyer, so you’ll need to contact one for official legal advice on flight laws and indecent exposure. That being said, any public sexual activity or nudity can definitely get you in trouble with the law. Here’s my uneducated take on it. As long as your penis and the jacking occurred under the blanket and out of people’s sight, there’s no “hard” evidence (NO PUN INTENDED! *laughing*). You had a rash that day and she was being a good girlfriend and scratching, right? I think if they were going to be a report or police involvement, it would’ve happened immediately after your flight. Did the flight attendant mention her information gathering was about anything sexual? It’s so late in the game that if they were going to do something, it likely would’ve happened by now. I think you’re in the clear. Or maybe they got your information to send you the dry-cleaning bill for that blanket. We all know it takes a double dry clean to get the baby batter out. Thumbs up for keeping your sex life interesting, but be careful about the public displays of affection. Great story to tell the grandsons though, ya know? GODSPEED to you, my friend, and as a Senior Member and Diamond Cardholder of the Mile-High Club I SALUTE YOU!

Well, my initial intentions were to address this Sam character but I don’t want to clutter this installment and, in addition, I think that the problem has been remedied to a point. Tre, let me know how to proceed. Shouts and Love go out to Penny, Meli, Mookie, Dawnie, Kurmit, Mary (Denver), Liz, Tricky Nicki, Katie, Debz, Andrew, Laura, this one, that one, and them!! Stay Groovy and God Bless!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist


Sunday, November 13, 2011

So I Didn't Go To Church Today: Redskins and Blow Jobs

Wow, it seems as if it’s been forever since I’ve dropped a blog on the masses, right? I mean damn as I peruse the chronology of my blog page there’s been quite a gap since my last installment. I know you’re all wondering about the little time-bomb I had (have) prepared for Sylvia, but I’ve decided to shelf that installment until needed -- it’s presently aging like fine wine. So other than the Whigger Chronicles I haven’t had much to say in the way of anything until today. Fortunately, I have a letter from a long-time reader that addresses blow jobs along with some light commentary on the Washington Redskins.

Okay, let’s start with those sorry-ass, no-account, bottom-feeding Washington Redskins, shall we? *sighing* The only reason to watch or go to a game is to see that fine, red-headed, MILF of a cheerleader; I am pretty sure her name is Beverly. But all jokes aside, the Redskins are PUTRID, gang … absolutely AWFUL. Most would say that the most glaring problem that we have is at quarterback, which is a huge problem for us, but I don’t give a damn if you had a young Joe Montana throwing the ball; if your offensive line isn’t giving you any time to work with, ANY quarterback is gonna find that most of his time on the field will be spent running for his life or on his ass. Combine that offensive line with a pair of QB’s that wouldn’t start for DeMATHA Catholic High School, a LeRon Landry with eroding skills, an over-the-hill coach who thinks he’s a genius, and NO RECEIVERS, and you get the Washington Redskins we’ve seen the past four weeks. Furthermore, I have absolutely no reason to believe that they will be getting better anytime soon.

But we have to be realistic about this whole thing people. You can’t turn 10 years of fuckery by an inept owner and his regime around in two seasons. I’m saying if JOE GIBBS, who’s a Hall of Fame Coach, couldn’t right the ship what makes you think that Shannahan can get better results? And, yes, I’m saying Joe Gibbs is a better football coach -- Shannahan doesn’t even come close. Gibbs has more rings, Superbowl appearances, and did more with less. I now see that more of my Sunday Afternoons are gonna be dedicated to late brunches with great wine, museum crawls, and Sunday Afternoon Rock Star Sex. I just can’t take watching the team I grew-up with and love make fools of themselves weekend-in and weekend-out.

Your questions:

Hedonist (Kris),

I have been dating this older chick ( by 6 years) for about four months now and have only gotten one blow job from her! One! She says she’s old-fashioned but I think she’s just holding out. You got any advice for me on this one?



The GREAT Kanye West said it best: “Girl ain’t gimme no ass she need to go down!” *laughing* I feel your pain, Chuck … no bullshit. I dated a Native American chick for seven months and only got 2.5 blow jobs! Imagine MY pain. Getting a DECENT blow job can be hard enough, but getting a blow job at all can sometimes be even harder. There are many reasons why your cougar may not be forthcoming with her lovely lips. Some of them are easy to work around, while some are not.

It is noteworthy -- albeit blindingly obvious -- that the biggest reason women fear putting a penis in their mouths is bad hygiene. Don't ever expect her to go down on you if you're unclean. This includes being very hairy in the pubic area; a stray hair, smegma buildup and stench can really ruin her day, and definitely won’t get her pulse racing. Not only that, but she’ll think it's like that all the time and will just avoid it altogether.

Some broads are afflicted with sexual difficulties namely putting an erect penis in their mouths (Bowie Italians don’t have that problem). So how you can overcome her blow job hang-ups?

First, don’t come in her mouth! If you promise not to, keep your word -- always. If you ever decide to "accidentally" surprise her and forget to pull away or warn her, then her blow job hang-ups are going to become flat-out blow job rejections. If she does want to try it ( AND THEY ALL DO ;-D ) , no doubt she will tell you in no uncertain terms. Obviously, unless you're in a trusting, long-term relationship where both partners have been tested, you should be using condoms anyway and the subject should never arise … in a perfect world...

If one of her blow job hang-ups is a fear of gagging, just stay still and let her operate you as she sees fit. You can, of course, direct from above, but just keep still and she'll find her way as they always do. She needs to trust that you're going to let her work at her own pace and not jam her head down. It could be that you may have to live with the fact that she has a sensitive gag reflex and can’t take you in very far. Don’t force it or you'll only make her that more resistant to the act. Be careful about how you place your hands on her head (only for us professionals, Chuck)-- if she even wants you to -- and resist the urge to thrust into her (once again, ONLY for us professionals) as this could cause her to gag.

But, Chuck, have you ever thought that the bitch just may be lazy? Yes, women get lazy about sex -- as do men. Being complacent is one of the biggest relationship sins you can commit, but how do you get around it? Force the issue. Listen, I don’t mean illegally or brutally, but make it known that her 12-month annual vacation is over and you want more lusty action. If you must, withhold something that she likes. Don’t be nasty; be clever. Use a chick’s innately emotional human psychology to entice a response from her or this blow job hang-up will stick around forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

On a much more serious note, Chuck. If your lover was abused in the past, she may have some huge issues with sex, trust and men in general. Sorting these problems out with therapy will aid the situation immensely, and she will need love and support from you. Waiting can be tedious, but it's not just an issue with sex, it's an issue with life and her self esteem. Be there, be kind and maybe one day you'll get yours -- just don’t hold your breath till that day comes. Living with the effects of abuse is not easy for her or for you, but there is help available.

If your lover had a bad experience with another dude such as "head-jamming" (grabbing her by the head and pushing it down) she may be reluctant to engage in oral sex for fear of a repeat performance. This is far easier to deal with, and with some encouragement and begging, she might just give it another go. She needs to trust you though, so work on building that to help her let go of her blow job hang-ups. Let her go at her own pace, and give her enthusiastic feedback.

Chuck, not everyone is into oral sex. There could be one reason, there could be five; you may know the reason, and you may not. Either way, it always pays to be respectful of your partner’s wishes and not force anything she is not comfortable with. On the other hand, some tender cajoling and encouragement never went astray either, so be gently persistent with your requests. Try to come to a compromise you are both happy with, and remember to talk. Communicate your desires and share your own hang-ups with her. Perhaps you can both learn something new about each other in the process and greatly improve your sex life. I hope that this helps you out, Chuckie. I’ve only had two females that didn’t like to "wash my car" and that was pretty early on in my hedonistic career. I’m sure if you take heed to the advice above you’ll greatly improve your chances of getting, at least, a decent blow job -- if not from your current chica then from your next conquest. Good Luck and Godspeed!

That’s all that I have for now, cadets! I think I am gonna head over to my cousin’s crib and have some dinner or something. Damn, this freaking weekend went waaaaaay to fast, don’t you think?

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies: Which women are the best lovers...

This is soooo true!

*sighing* Let's get right to it, shall we? ...

Dear Hedonistic one,

I need help!! I am a 36 year old female and I have been single for approximately one year. Thru encouragement of friends and family I decided to and have recently joined an online dating website. I have met many people on this website thru emails but none really seem to have the substance, witt or character that I am searching for. There is however one person on the site who has managed to peak my interests with his engaging conversations, charming ways and good looks. This is why I am seeking your advice. We exchanged phone numbers after several days of emails. This is where he is loosing me in this dating game (yes, I am starting to feel like it is a game). Just about every morning with the exception of the weekends, he sends me a beautiful text message.. starts my day off with a smile....then I hardly hear from him for the rest of the day. I don't mind this as much because like myself, he is a busy professional  and I am sure his work requires a lot of his time. 

Here is where my confusion comes in at... I never hear from him in the evenings and never on a weekend. I have attempted to call him twice. The first time he didn't return the call and the second time he called back but it was a few days later. I could be wrong ( because I have been before) but I am thinking that he may not be as single as he lets on or maybe he is just not interested. I am a bit old fashioned and unfortunately am not as aggressive as most females in the new millennium. I am very confused as to what I should do in this situation.

I don't want to put the effort into someone who I feel is not putting it into me or who possibly could be living a different life off of the website ( i'm sure you know the type, single by day.. someone's Boo by night). I am hoping you can give me some good  soundnadvice on this matter and help shed some light onto a situation that seems to continue to dim as the days go on.
Thank you in advance.


Excellent question, Loni, and thanks for reading. One of four things is happening, Chica. He may have some curvy, (preferably) red-head, Greek mommy with a mean reverse-cowgirl ... hopefully. Two, you may have said something to turn him off in one of those engaging conversations that he's still internalizing. Three, you may seem somewhat aloof and shady yourself, and he's getting a read on YOU. And, lastly, he may simply not be that into you point blank. Ahh, Loni, my crystal ball tells me that you want more in-depth insight that only the Hedonist can offer, eh? You wanna know if Cool Breeze actually HAS a curvy Greek sista bouncing up and down on the soul pole, correct? Lemme give you a simple way to weed out a possible love interest from a player/loser -- invite him out for brunch on a SATURDAY at noon with three days notice at least. Here's why: For a man with a woman and/or family Saturday's around noon are chaotic times. If he has a wifey she's gonna wanna go out for lunch and to BCBG or the book store. He's obligated to spend time with his woman and show her a good day (or else I WILL *laughing*). God created Saturdays for couples and that hasn't changed for centuries. If he has a family that's worse because he has to cut the lawn then go to the grocery store with the lady and those bad-ass kids. On Saturdays men watch the kiddies while wifey hits the nail joint and visits her miserable, gossiping girlfriends. True shit. Now the negro MAY be able to sneak-off in the late afternoon or evening (after being punked all-day) to see you but Saturday DAY is out of the question. In addition, call him between 8:30 and 9pm during the weeknights. A man with a family is usually tied-up with kid's homework or the wifey bitching about him playing too much Madden and Call of Duty online. A single guy has time as he's out on U. Street or up in Downtown Silver Spring looking for some new ass or, if he's single and a keeper, he's studying or leaving night class because he's working on his Master's or PhD. Whatever the case he will be accessible and open for those long, "get-to-know-you" conversations, dear. 
Got ALL my women in check! My three BOTTOM Chicks!

Okay, now lets give YOU a look, Loni ... shall we? Are you being accessible? Are you throwing shade? Why can't YOU talk during day hours? Are you SERIOUS when you say you want to get to know this man? If you're on the up-and-up then you wouldn't mind being a tad more vocal in your needs as far as communication. Look, Loni, take things slow and see where shit goes. After about six weeks and six or seven dates it's then okay drop some of that good loving on him to keep the fire burning bright (and it IS good, ain't it?). :-P 

Online dating is a VERY inexact science and it, most times, can be a daunting task. Keep the faith BUT listen carefully: BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT YOU HEAR AND HALF OF WHAT YOU SEE until you are in a comfortable place with this joker and anyone else. I hope this helps. 

So, I've told you guys on Facebook I would give you my thoughts on which female ethnicity make the best lovers. I went on to tell you (without spoiling things) that it isn't the sisters by a long shot -- they're dead last on the list. 

Now, as always, my observations are from my own meandering experience and have no basis in medicine and/or science.

Let me preface this by saying I've had way more than my share of good ass ... I've had enough GOOD ass for 11 men. No bullshit. I've had skinny-ass, athletic-ass, curvy-ass (my FAVORITE), Big Girl ass (I remember in '95 not being able to resist bringing this big girl home from the club. She was big but pretty as a new Bentley!), Short-ass, Tall-ass, and everything in-between; But our discussion specially will be about which ethnicity puts out the BEST lovin', friends. Look, man, I'm just sharing MY observations ... don't be sending me no hate-tinged emails talking about "Kris, you a sell-out ...yo momma black!" Really?

Here goes: 

4)African-Americans (Da Sistas) - Okay, This is perhaps because as a young man I ran through a bunch and the lovin' got boring, who knows? I know that, even up to this day, sista's don't like the nasty down and dirty things we men like in these new times. Yeah, they may like it hard and for a long time i.e. they love when you "Beat it up" but most are not into the kink, and if they are they don't want anything too kinky. I had two African-American chick that used to dig the kink: One was a stripper by night and the other was Jamaican. Now, I know a hot little, curly-head, mixed number out west that gives me the impression that she's bout it, bout it, and if she is I am off to Tiffany's! 

I want to marry Lucy Liu!!
3) Now you can't really go wrong with an Asian mommy. Nurturing, beautiful, seductive, and submissive. What's fucking with that! They can be quite kinky too, fellas. I vividly recall not being able to resist giving a little Chinese number the soul pole at Children's Hospital, in the CPR Training Room, while working an evening/night shift. *sighing* Good Times! The only drawback is, from MY experience, they like the kink BUT they don't like it ROUGH -- that's a no-no. Me, sometimes after about four glasses for sauvignon blanc and a shot of vodka I like to "beat it up" from time-to-time, you know? Nevertheless, if you're not one of those guys who do the rough thang have at it! ;O) 

Eva is next if Lucy disses me!
2)Latin/Hispanic - Aye, Poppie!! Yes, the Latin mommies are here to stay, Baby Bubba! My God, what is there NOT to say about a fine, curvy, Hispanic sista? Cute, cooks, cleans, and will give you a buff and shine on the drop of a dime. Word of caution: Do NOT go in there with no bullshit, fellas! If you don't put it down the first time she lets you in she's gonna talk about you ... BAD! They love to screw hard and long but hate the kink. I see that the younger generation is "exploring" more and "expanding" but the one's I've experienced like to keep it straight forward outside of a car blow job. 

*sighing* Sara Jay WILL marry me one day soon!

1)Caucasians - I mean as far as lovers what more can I say? There's nothing like a nice PAWG on your arm in Georgetown (If you don't know what a "PAWG" is GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND!). Listen, this is just from MY experience, friends -- don't crucify me. I've NEVER had a Caucasian honey that wasn't a good lover. Even thin Caucasian women love to explore and like variety. They take it long and hard? Check. Do they indulge in the kink? Check. Are they sensual? Check. Are they affectionate? Check. Can you give it 'em rough, Captain? **in my pirate voice** Oye, CHECK, you sure can matey! ;-D ...they're simply the total package as far as lovers. 

I know some of my hater, friends, AND family my not dig what I am putting down but, hey ... fuck it. I have an opinion and GOOGLE gave me a forum to express it. So let the hate mail pour-in ... I will have plenty of Sangria and Port on tap this weekend so I can take it. 


Anywho, that's all i have for today. I gotta put out some brush-fires and get ready for this cursing out; it's been a very rough two weeks for the old boy. 

Stay Grooy and God Bless, and if you have any comments or criticisms you know how to reach me. ~~~> patrickristien@gmail.com OR www.twitter.com/just_kristien OR www.facebook.com/kristien.patric Everyone enjoy your day and keep reading... 

Your old pal,

The Hedonist



Thursday, September 8, 2011

I Should Be Working: The Hedonist does a good thing...

So, I’m fooling around with my groovy Samsung Galaxy Tab when an email pops up reading the following: 

Dear Hedonist,
I’ve broken up with my boyfriend of 14 months last weekend only to find that he’s jumped into another relationship with some ugly bitch from Senegal, Africa! Can you believe that?!?! Okay, so this leads me to believe that he never loved me at all … or at least as much as he says he does (We still text and Yahoo IM). To top it all off, he gave her the T-Mobile G2 I brought him for his birthday … the one that he BEGGED me for! I hate this bastard … How do I get back at him?

*sighing* I really shouldn’t be taking time out to address this nonsense but YOU took the time to write-in to the Old Boy, and it also shows you value my opinion to a point. 

Well, Liz, it sounds as if you’re in your late teens or early 20’s but, more importantly, it sounds as if you’re a victim of disorganized thinking. You should be thinking about re-organizing your priorities and focus on some realistic, attainable, short-term goals. Fuck that dude and his African Wifey. Getting over a broken heart can seem like a difficult task at first, but as they say “time heals all wounds”.  This is true, even with getting over a broken heart. 

The only problem with “time” is that it’s a relative term and one length of time may be different than another person’s length of time for getting over a break up.  When you are trying to get over a bad-ending relationship, you may need additional assistance, above and beyond “time”.  When this is the case, you may need to consider alternative means of resolution for getting over a break up. 

If you need help getting over a break up and time is taking too long for it to heal your emotional wounds, you may want to consider trying the following tactics.  Find a hobby or invest your time in an interest of yours that you haven’t had time to devote to.  Focus on your education or advancement of your career.  Focus on yourself; in other words, focus on developing yourself as a person and make some personal changes that you’ve been promising yourself that you’d make for a long time.  Look at this time of getting over a break up as an opportunity to expand yourself and move towards the “you” that you want to be.

Look, Liz, I’ve had my share of break-ups – some where bad but most where good. I think a lot of your pain is coming from the constant digital correspondence with this dude. See, when I break-up with a chick that’s it. I don’t want any calls, text, or emails from the old girl ... but that’s just ME. You have to give yourself time to heal from the initial heartbreak before you can even consider being friends given your tender and and inexperience. You cut-off contact with this chump and focus on becoming a better YOU and watch the results you get. Liz, a better you means you will attract a better man, get it? When this is accomplished dude and the African chick will be a mere insignificant thought from the past. Trust me.  ;O)  

Okay, now I’ve wasted 17mins. So I only have roughly 20mins. to goof-off on my Galaxy Tab before my meeting with the executive director. Oh, and if by chance you’re interested, Saturday’s blog is on which race of women make the best lovers. I’m not just talking about sex and head; I’m talking about nurturing a man, having his back, and being faithful. I don’t want to insert a spoiler here, friends … but it ain’t the sisters!  Sorry.

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Monday, August 29, 2011

The Hedonist's Thoughts On Cheating - Part I

I’ve been getting several emails and FB Inbox messages from cats and chicks asking me what to I think about cheating spouses/wifey’s/boyfriends/etc. *sighing* I have various opinions floating around on the subject, but I have to pose the question to my audience: What is cheating really and what are your relationship boundaries? This is an important question that we must pose to ourselves to attain clarity on our own wants and intentions. Like me, I can’t stand a broad that thinks she’s slicker and smarter than the old boy. Back in the glorious days I’d let my anger consume me, fly-off, and curse the whigger out but those days have changed. In 2011 you have to use your head and think like a gentleman. Either play along with the game or move-on (which I tend to do both once I have concrete evidence on the skank), but that’s somewhat of another blog so I’ll just stick to my thoughts on cheating. After which, I will hit you guys off with a sister blog of sorts to give a different perspective. 

Anywho, As it has been the topic of much debate and discussion lately (Cheating) -- thanks in part to the recent celebrity cheating sagas surrounding the likes of and Jada Pinkett Smith, Marc Anthony, and Tiger Woods-- it’s time to clarify the Hedonist’s position on cheating. Cheating is, unfortunately, a part of dating and relationships, but there are boundaries that respectful and honorable peeps simply don’t cross. Nobody is immune to the cheating impulse; when the current relationship’s heat begins to fade, “the grass is always greener” feeling can strike us hard. Although the Hedonist continually labors beneath a variety of false stereotypes and accusations, one of the most irritating is the belief that the successful ladies’ man has no morals (i.e., he considers cheating as “part of the game”).

First and foremost, a true hedonist never cheats, nor will he attempt to pick up a girl (or guy … I don’t judge) who wishes to cheat. It’s not only counterproductive in the long run, but it also flies directly in the face of everything the HEDONISM stands for. The Hedonist adores women; cheating and adoration are mutually exclusive. Here are some of my thoughts on cheating.

First, allow me to say cheating doesn’t actually enhance anything. The common myth is that danger is titillating and can ramp up the passion of taboo encounters, but there’s a problem with this belief: “danger” is fleeting and such a sensation can rapidly shift, as foreboding tension can follow hot on the heels of heightened passion. Furthermore, as the very concept of cheating is rooted in something outside the physical union in question, such couplings are devoid of any real feeling or emotion. Those who have cheated will always try to say -- often in their own vain defense -- that it was “mechanical,” that they were just “going through the motions.” Well, of course: Cheating is about somebody else. There’s no real challenge or satisfaction in it and, lest we forget, the Hedonist is in this for ultimate satisfaction. I love taming a red-headed, blue-eyed, curvy diva as much as the next guy … even more as my thirst is insatiable, but if I have to sneak around to tame my curvy red-head I’m not getting the ultimate experience. I like to fuck on my time, WHERE I want to fuck, and with whomever, as all true hedonists should.

Now let me hit you with THIS: CHEATING IS FOR THE LAME, LAZY, WEAK, AND WEAK-MINDED. Honestly, it doesn’t take that much in the way of mental fortitude to resist temptation. Those who claim it was “irresistible” are desperately attempting to mask their weakness and it’s downright pathetic. Those who cheat do so for a variety of reasons, certainly, but none of them can be considered appealing character traits. They cheat because they can’t face an ugly breakup battle with their current partner (which is absurd, as cheating will inevitably lead to an even uglier battle), they cheat because they’re too lazy to end things, they cheat because they’re easily lured by the siren’s call. The true hedonist is familiar with the urges and doesn’t allow them to affect his or her behavior. We’ve already know how other people perceive cheaters; well, the hedonist is aware how cheating can affect his own self-image and self-esteem. I’m familiar with this Italian chick, an ASL expert, who can’t figure if she wants to chat/cozy-up with her lame ex, who doesn’t know how to pick his own college courses, or have any idea which direction his pathetic life is going; Or, if she’s willing to settle down with a guy, who supports her in every endeavor. This sort of woman is the worst of cheaters because she is lame and weak … she can’t make a decision as to what she wants for her and her child. She doesn’t have imagination or wisdom to look at the big picture. Even though she says she isn’t cheating she cheating emotionally, but that too is another blog!

These days, a person’s reputation may not mean as much as it did in days long past, but for someone who is often at the mercy of word-of-mouth, it’s essential. And because it can change in a split second, it requires constant upkeep and maintenance. Cheating is the single fastest way to tear down an entire body of work (Ref: ELDRICK “TIGER” WOODS; one moment of weakness can erase years of faithfulness produced by the most stalwart professional. There are plenty of other ways a man can damage his reputation in the eyes of the ladies, but nothing is more devastating than cheating. Even if it’s only a rumor, this spark can set off a wildfire that rages high and far. It’s almost impossible to extinguish, and although it may die out eventually, the destruction is significant and recovery can take a very long time. A reputation is a terrible thing to waste on something so… unfulfilling.

In truth, the true hedonist never has to cheat. If they’re unhappy with his current conquest, they have the resolve to simply make a clean break and pursue another target. They do this honestly, carefully and tactfully. On top of which, we’ve already solidified the fact that nailing a chick/dude who wishes to cheat takes no real skill, and a hedonist/player aspires to bigger and better things. Throughout the course of one’s excursions, you will frequently consider and dismiss opportunities that aren’t actually “opportunities” at all; they’re partially obscured traps that can lead to some nasty accidents. The learned pickup artist quickly recognizes such traps, steps deftly around them and pushes forward to achieve more satisfying sexual experiences via real effort. You know exactly what you want, and you know cheating won’t deliver your true desires.

In closing, friends, Many folk fall victim to the falsehood that a hedonist exists only to serve his own desires and as a direct result, he leaves a trail of destroyed hearts and bad feelings in his wake. That’s the description of a lame, lying creep, so get your definitions straight. The Hedonist doesn’t cheat, typically doesn’t spend time with cheaters, and perhaps above all else, he doesn’t have to cheat because he’s honest -- and a stand-up person.

Well, readers, I hope this answers your questions to MY PARTICULAR STANCE on cheating. Look, please don’t get me wrong: I’ve had more than my share of side-body but as we mature and evolve as human-beings, we see a bigger and better picture with crystal clarity.
Sidenote: I hate Blogger now ... it's grown quite shitty! Won't let me upload images. I'm migrating all of my shit over to Wordpress, I guess. 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I SHOULD BE WORKING: Random thoughts from an unrepentant slacker... WHO'S ALSO A HEDONIST! ;o)

So I'm sitting here in the conference room with my man, Andrew, goofing-off. It's funny, until today I had no idea what "Drew" (as he likes to be called) did here. Every time I ran into him --which is every damn day-- he is almost is fresh as I am; he has comparable gadgets (even though my phone and Tab are superior to his ... his MP3 is better); and he's pretty damn smart. Anyway, we get to kicking it pretty tough because in the big-ass conference room, there is only ONE electrical outlet that fucking works today so we had to share. I'm not joking around with you guys! Well, while goofing-off on this fine, summer morning I get a message from an old girlfriend talking some rudy-poo, cockamamie small-talk. Now I'm quite the jovial guy in the majority of my interactions. I try to be empathetic and a good listener to not only friends but to anyone I encounter. But something about this woman's random texts and other correspondence just seems phony to me. She said something ...uh, PHONY regarding our not being together anymore and I lit her ass up in three sentences. Instead of just taking her tongue-lashing, she replied and proceeded to tell me how educated and professional she is and gentlemen shouldn't curse -- BUT she ended her correspondence with a curse word. *laughing* What a hypocrite! For privacy's sake lets call her Martha, okay. Martha, I KNOW I'm smarter than 90 Percent of the HUMAN BEINGS I come across on a daily basis. Professional? Baby, that's subjective ... really, it is. If a hoe asks you whether you'd prefer the green or the purple condom does that make her a professional? Maybe it does, Martha, but she's still a hoe, correct? You get where I'm coming from or going with that, and I DIDN'T elude to you being a hoe.  Besides, Martha, what does you being professional have to do with my blasting your ass when you try to casually feed me erroneous information early in the morning? I don't care whether Andrew and I are goofing-off or not, no one wants to hear madness at 10am in the morning. Nevertheless, I am just as professional as you, baby, and in more arenas ... don't get things tangled and twisted over there in Dupont Circle. As for gentlemen don't curse and assign blame where it's NEEDED? ...get the fuck outta here. I could go on but I'm not gonna put the business out there unless I'm provoked further by your aloof and erroneous thinking, Sweetie. xoxoxoxo  <3 :O) 

TRAIN! One of my Favorite Bands!!! ;O)

You know I just dropped my Online Dating Commandments to mixed reviews over the weekend. *sighing* I was somewhat bummed but who gives a damn as I never said it was my best literary effort. I, myself, think it was quite groovy but I am naturally biased due to the fact that I AM the author. But I am adding an 11th Commandment: Thou shalt be as you appear. Look, ladies, if you're chubby/curvy or a BBW, or "a few extra pounds" let it be what it is. Be proud of yourself. Me, personally, I like me a thick (NOT FAT) red-head or brunette in the winter months. There's absolutely nothing better than some of that good January shower lovin' from a thick woman ... but that's just me. But, girls, when ALL of your pics are head shots or from a certain angle, and there are NO full-body shots on your profile, we know you're carrying some weight around. Just let us see it so we'll know if we can manage it -- most brotha's can ladies! *wink-wink* BLUE DENIM AND GOLDEN CONDOMS, Ladies!!!!!!

Moving on, I decided to take 15mins. to get some things off of my chest, friends. Enjoy your work-week and God Bless You All!! BTW - Andrew is one of our Program Directors! *laughing* 

Your Old Pal, 

The Hedonist


Saturday, August 20, 2011


I can't believe that I am up at 749am, on a Saturday Morning, writing and revising a blogs, eating leftover Chipotle's and drinking a smoothie – which isn't such a rotten existence if you think about it. You have my deepest apologies for not checking-in with you guys with anything new and exciting. I can only surmise that my lack of production is the by-product of laziness, lack-of-motivation, work, and some personal health issues … my bad, but what can ya do?

Lately, while watching television (when I DO watch television), I've been noticing a lot of eHarmony and Match.com commercials boasting about their success rates. Saying their hook-ups lead to marriage. Really? Maybe it's the social circles that I travel but I'm not getting much positive feedback about the long-term health of relationships that begin on an online dating site. And you can forget finding love on sites such as Tagged, Onlinebootycall, and Blackplanet; sites, whether outwardly or not, devoted to getting some quick sex. Now the success rate of getting your knob slobbed meeting a chick off of one of these sites is actually astronomically high – and I'm talking on the first date. But finding your soul-mate and the dude you're gonna take home to Dad? Uh, perhaps you'd better look elsewhere. Nevertheless, I've put together a list of commandments, that if followed to the letter you will have immense success no matter what your long or short term, romance goals are. As I always say, I'm no counselor ... my advice derives from my own meandering experience. Peruse and Enjoy!

#1 - Thou Shall Always Communicate thy TRUE INTENTIONS – Look, it is what it is and we are all adults. If you're on eHarmony telling chicks that you wanna get married and start a family, but you're only looking for a curvy red-head to give you some quick ass, you're being misleading. Better yet, a down right lie. On the same hand, if you're on Tagged truly looking for a long-term relationship don't give up the booty before the first three or four dates; YOU are also sending out the wrong message. I understand that sometimes chemistry will dictate a situation but if you go in determined to see your original goal through you'll have a much greater chance at success ... on another dating site.

#2 - Thou Shalt Never Lie About Thy Relationship Status – Simply put … KEEP IT REAL. Or, better yet, leave Match.com alone until you've kicked that guy or girl to the curve. Really. Shit has the possibility of getting REAL really fast i.e. The whole thing could blow-up in your face and it's very likely you'll witness or take part in a round of fisticuffs. No Bullshit. But if you insist on being a lame and sneaking online, be a real man or woman and let folk know the real deal.

#3 - Thou Shall Try To Be Transparent as Possible With Your Facebook – The reason that I say this is because your Facebook is basically who you are (For MOST people!). On Facebook your family and TRUE FRIENDS tend to keep you honest and on-point, and the curvy blonde from Atlanta will have a chance to see somewhat WHO YOU REALLY are. Just be sure not to post any outlandish shit in your status box until she gets to know you a bit. So go ahead and accept her friend request, it can't hurt, and you can always edit your privacy settings so that she won't be able to see pictures of the ex. *Wink-wink*

#4 - Thou Shall LIMIT Your Conversations To The PRESENT And FUTURE – This is a VERY important commandment to adhere to. He doesn't want to hear about the ex, with the 11 inch dick, who drove an Aston Martin, and produced Maroon 5's last smash hit. Nor, fellas, does she about your ex's crab cakes and asparagus, and that she swallowed after three dates. Look, all I am saying is that in the infancy stages of a relationship we all prefer to keep things light. In addition, the past is the past and it CAN NOT be altered in any way; compounded with the fact that he/she doesn't give a damn unless you have a felony record for identity theft and distribution of narcotics. Keep things light and your ex OUT OF THE CONVERSATION!

#5 - Thou Shall PICK UP THE PHONE – No one likes a thousand text messages that consist of “LOL” (when you're really not laughing) and :-D (when you're really not smiling) unless you're some pretentious, 10th Grade Female. Be a MAN and ASK FOR HER NUMBER and CALL HER at a decent time that evening or the next. And don't send a text ASKING if it's cool to call now, if she's busy she will let you know that she's busy by telling you so or, if I'm with her, she simply won't answer her cell. Side note: The reason that I put this on the fellas is that a man is supposed to be a man and take some initiative. Be assertive and let her see your interest.  ;-)

#6 - Thou shall not MOVE TOO FAST (unless you're only looking for a fuck buddy) – Ladies, most of this one falls in your lap and here's why: You meet a guy on Interracial Singles and he talks that good game to you and even introduces you to his mama over the phone. He's saying all of the right things so you decide to give him the booty on the second date. Tyrone then starts acting funny, and after a short while the stupid “LOL's” and “Good Morning, Sweetheart” texts stop coming. After which, in another two weeks, the late night phone calls stop coming, and then your dumb ass is in all in my FB Inbox and Gmail asking what went wrong. *SMFH* You weren't patient and you didn't issue him a challenge, to show him your affection and body are worth a lot more than some slick talk. Simple. As they say, easy “CUM”, easy go, and since relationships, in the long run, aren't that easy nor should him getting the booty be either.  Do NOT get me wrong, honey, I KNOW that booty is probably good … I KNOW it is. But allow some
things to remain a mystery and save some of your secrets until it's appropriate to reveal them. Right as rain, I am.

#7 - Thou Shall Narrow Your Search – What I mean by this is that there is no damn need to be on Onlinebootycall, Craigslist, Blackplanet, AND eHarmony ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I used to screw around with this Italian chick in VA who was on ALL of the above named sites all at the same time. EVERYPLACE that we went there was someone that went to dinner with her, someone who hit that, or someone who went to dinner AND hit that. One time I had a dude wanting to fight me in a Honky-Tonk Bar in Alexandria because, apparently, his dinner date didn't go as planned, and he was still vexed. I know that you're thinking: Kristien, what is your black ass doing in a white ass HONKY-TONK BAR with an ITALIAN CHICK?!? Trust me, I have stories that are A LOT wilder, my friends. **sighing** Anywho, back to what I was saying … Even if you're just looking to screw, narrow that thing down to a couple of sites at most. Especially here in D.C. (which is only 9.9 Square Miles) because you're bound to run into someone you knew not too long ago.

#8 - Thou Shall ALWAYS Meet for Coffee/Cocktails in an OPEN AND NEUTRAL LOCATION – This one is mainly for the ladies also unless your gay or lesbian (hey, I don't judge, fam … I love everyone! ;-D). Because this IS the internet and people are f*^king warped these days. In addition, if those pics she's been texting you are from 2001 you're not committed to a prolonged stay – finish your damn coffee and get back on the Red Line, Playa!!!!

#9 - Thou Shall Not “Sext” Until You've Had Several GREAT DATES – I mean, Playboy, you're gonna eventually “whip it out” one day anyway, right? And, ladies, THESE FOOLS ARE CRAZY OUT HERE! And if shit doesn't work out between the two of you, believe me, your little Android phone videos of you with your toy and those open-twat flicks you sent are going to be posted on www.contrastporn.com  No Bullshit. ...for EVERYONE TO SEE AND DOWNLOAD.

#10 - Thou Shall ALWAYS TELL YOUR BEST GIRLFRIEND WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON – The fellas may be angry but to hell with them, ladies. THESE FOOLS ARE CRAZY OUT HERE! Always give your girlfriend and sister that cat's number, email, and work number (He BETTER HAVE A JOB!). Safety is first and foremost, girls. Also, don't invite that fool over to the crib until your sister and girlfriend have that info and you're sure this dude is on the up-and-up.

Okay, as a reminder, these commandments are a working document and will be amended as the suggestions come in. This isn't the end-all list so lets work together on this friends! ;O)

That's all I have for today (and probably for another week) so enjoy the rest of your weekend and enjoy friends, good food, and family! ;O) Stay Groovy and God Bless...

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies: Just some random thoughts...

So, I'm in somewhat of an irritable mood this morning but I'm sure it's nothing a glass White Merlot wouldn't cure. Although the weekend was rather quiet several people and things got on my damn nerves. One being people with their inconsistent bullshit, and the events that come as a by-product of their bullshit. The other is Casey Anthony and all of the mindless chatter on Facebook & Twitter, by uninformed idiots, concerning the verdict (We will get to that later). But, nevertheless, I endured and I'm here, back and better than ever. Ladies, I'm gonna catch a lot of flack behind this but it has to be said: Stop crying about your bills and not having money because of your kids absentee fathers -- especially if you're not doing anything to make your own situation better. This particular rant is coming from a conversation that we had Saturday evening that lasted well into the morning. Here's the gist:

Me: Huh? You're broke? Where's the little one's father?

Old Girl: Lives in Baltimore...

Me: Is he paying any child support or breaking you off?

Old Girl: No. He said that his not ready to be a father. He has a daughter about four months older than my child.

Me: What? So you DO talk to him?

Old Girl: Sure. He calls like every two or three weeks?

Me: and? He must want some of that baby momma pussy, right?

Old Girl: He just calls to kick it and see what's going on. I told you ... he doesn't want to be a father.

Me: *sighing* :-/ Whatever ... that fool's calling to fuck.

You see, in this example, it seems that old girl is fine with slim calling for some of that good Italian booty, but not leaving a check, for the baby, on her nightstand next to the condom wrapper and empty can of Four Loco. Oh well ... what can ya do? The point I'm trying to make is that she either needs a kick in the ass by her parents and siblings to do the right thing or stop complaining about being broke because she is her own problem. And i'm not on my soap-box, my dear friends, I'm only pointing out the fuckery in the situation, and giving a bit of my father's "Smitty Wisdom". As Pop would say it, "Kid, there's no help like SELF-HELP" ... you go Pop!

So I'm talking to this same Italian chick about this interracial dating craze that's sweeping the nation. She's extremely professional, kinda smart but more on the black side of the spectrum -- in the 90's we used to call women of her ilk "Whiggers". Yeah, you guys know the term so don't front. Now IS she a whigger? *sighing* I would call her a whigger-in-recovery ... straight out of Whiggers Anonymous. I have nothing against Caucasian Chicks (or any other race for that matter) who listen to Lil' Wayne and Trey Songs all day, and smoke a little reefer; those things are not MY cup of tea but I don't knock anyone else who does. Anywho, I'm straying too far off of what I was getting at in the first place. I proceeded explain a rule, to the Italian chick, my man Tam has about dating white women in particular. As Tam says it, "Kris, dog, I don't want a white chick that acts, dresses, and tries to talk & act black. I need a white chick that enjoys being WHITE and embraces her culture." Tam also went on to say, "Dog, and I'm telling you, they're are the biggest freaks ... you can never trust them. They're always at a black bar or club, in a black dudes face, later on in his front seat with his black dick in her mouth, because they are always trying too hard" *sighing* ...I can't say that I can refute Tam's observation or even say i disagree. What i can say is that every white woman who loves Tank and Rick Ross isn't promiscuous or giving every black dude head in the front seat of his Chrysler 300 -- and y'all Negroes LOOOOOOOOVE you some Chrysler 300s. I don't like or listen to Rick Ross or R&B music ... I appreciate R&B and respect Rick's hustle but they're not for me. With that said, I tend to seek out women with similar interests in everything no matter what her race may be. What Tam needs to understand is that the white chicks that love the Beatles and Creed give head in the front seat of Ford Pick-ups too -- and y'all white boys Looooooove you some pick-ups, don't you? *laughing*

On a more serious note, friends. As little as 40 years ago, interracial dating was illegal and viewed very negatively. Sadly, closed minded individuals made interracial dating and marriage very hard for those that fell in love with someone of another race.

Fortunately, interracial dating has progressed quite a bit since that shitty period. There are still groups of idiots that find biracial relationships distasteful but it really doesn’t make any difference in the long run. People can love and marry who the fuck they want even though there are still some issues to deal with.

The biggest fuckery that interracial couples must deal with is family disapproval.  These family members can often be the couples’ grandparents or parents that disapprove because of the era they were raised in. Grandparents, especially, may have been brought up during the years when biracial couples were looked down on. If you’re in this sort of situation, try to remember that you have to live your life no matter what your family thinks. It doesn’t happen as often as it used to as people have become more accepting of interracial relationships. However, there’s still the chance that one or both families won’t approve of the relationship.

Should their close mindedness make you too miserable, or if they decide that you must choose between the family and your love, you cannot feel bad if you decide to choose happiness with your partner over the selfishness of your family. They should be supporting you. If they aren't on your team, to hell with them ... do YOUR thing.

While it can be hard to handle the views of ignorant people, you still have to remain strong and live your own life. Since interracial relationships can be difficult due to pressure from other people, there may be various issues to deal with. However, try to live your life and do what makes you happy. You’ll be able to move past any of these problems ... now enough of the pseudo relationship counselor stuff. 

I'm going to have some lunch presently, cadets! I think my new favorite show comes on VH-1 tonight ... I can't tell you what it is because a macho hedonist like me isn't supposed to like shows like this. I gotta jump now so have a wonderful work-week and keep sending those emails and tweets! Stay Groovy and God Bless. 

Your Old Pal,

Me and Sis, in great times, this past Christmas!! <3 ;O)

The Hedonist


Friday, June 24, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies: All the Queens Men (repost)

So I'm back after a long hiatus, friends. I know I promised, on multiple occasions, that I would drop something on fresh, exciting, new, and thought-provoking. But with chaos running rampant in my professional and personal life I haven't much time, compounded with the fact that the stuff I had in-store simply wasn't that good. So, with this said, please forgive me and allow me to talk my shit again. There's a lot to cover in this installment but, since it's fresh on my mind, I'm gonna start with a bit of Facebook Madness (it's actually relationship/Facebook Madness but bare with me for a sec).

Let me preface this idiotic scenario of plain 'ole fuckery by saying that I'm no champion of any cause. In reality, I can be very apathetic about some things (e.g. Glee and Dancing with the Stars). Furthermore, I'm no saint or role-model as Charles Barkley said years back. You do not want your kids following my example personally. Professionally? Now that's another story and I can humbly that say my professional life is something to aspire to -- out side of that I'm a scoundrel.

King of Scoundrels -- OIL CAN HARRY!
So, this cat (lets call him Paul) is dating this chick he's feeling immensely. Paul's networking this chick with his family – shit like everyone's friends on Facebook. He's calling in favors to his friends to help her out here and there, and other miscellaneous gestures to show he has her back. Everything's cool until Paul smells something rotten in Denmark. There is this guy lurking about that catches Paul's attention. She's doing yard-work with this dude; going out for evening drinks on U. Street with old boy (even says she gonna spend the night after they go out); talking daily with Cool Breeze (even more than she communicates with Paul); hangs out with his sister and other such fuckery. Moving on, Paul questions Old Girl about her apparently sinister movements – low and behold, this cat is her “EX”. Obviously Paul isn't very happy about this new found development and expresses his discontent, along with saying he's gonna smack Old Boy, which is not a good look but I understand.

Now, allow me to take pause and interject my thoughts up to this point, friends:

First, the old adage is tested and true that “A man will do no more than what a woman will allow him to do” … this is true shit. I asked my sexy mommy (who i'm with presently), with the light-brown eyes, from Tehran (if you don't where that is Google it!) what she thought of this reasoning and she agreed with it along with two of my sisters. Second, either she isn't 1) relaying the depth of her relationship with Paul to the “EX”. 2) Old Boy just doesn't give a fuck or 3) Chick wants her cake and to eat it too! My girl from Tehran said, “Kris, that girl's shit is just sloppy. To begin with, she wasn't honest from the start about the nature of their [she and the ex boyfriend] past and present relationship. How old is she?” ...and I agree with you Bahar. If there was nothing to hide why not put the cards on the table. Because like Bahar went on to say, “Once your mate finds out that you were intimate with an ongoing friend the dynamics of that relationship change. Period.”

Back to the story...

Anyway, apparently, the chick went back and TOLD the “EX” everything her CURRENT BOYFRIEND had said and he gets this email IN HIS FACEBOOK INBOX:

“If your looking for me, there is no need to do a search. I'll give you my address or meet you somewhere. I don't know what your problem is but I'll take it to whatever you desire”

I know that you're shaking your head at this bitchassness but indulge me a little more patience, friends. So, as you can guess, they went back and forth until Paul said he told Old Boy something he really didn't want to hear and got this clown out of his damn inbox. Afterwards, Paul says the Ex-Boyfriend went back to the chick crying like a bitch and the chick says to Paul that if he doesn't apologize to the ex-boyfriend they couldn't be together and un-friended HIM (and his family) on Facebook because she wanted them all to be friends! BUT she didn't un-friend the EX. Laughing ...true story.

Now this disturbs me on many levels, friends, but for this chick to jump out of the window to make a statement like that to her “man” alludes to some unfinished business with Old Boy and her allegiance lies with the Facebook Gangster. In addition, she had no business repeating the conversation with her and her man to the ex-boyfriend. Shit like that has gotten men sent to early graves … she essentially stirred a pot that may boil over into something that she can't control. But get this (the most amusing part): Chick wants to sweep it under the rug like nothing happened! Laughing No, I am not joking at all, my friends … not in the least. Now this is just the uncut version of the madness but you get the picture. I have my advice for this gentleman but I would like hear the opinions of my readers, and especially the ladies. Hit me up via email, Twitter, Facebook, or SIGN-LANGUAGE. ;-p

Now I know this problem isn't uncommon amongst couples and it happens everyday. But is there a remedy for such dilemma's or is it just the course of human events? The above scenario, I think, isn't a case of insecurity but disrespect and deceit … but who am I to call it? As I said, I'm no therapist and my advice/opinion comes from my own meandering experience.

If you 're 30 or over I'm sure that you have an “EX” story. Whether she's cool with the cat's family and attend his cookouts to your chagrin or the whore was crazy and she followed you around BCBG then into Vicki's until you pulled out your mace. The problem is --if any of you reading this is honest with yourself you know-- once you've shared love, lust, and personal interaction, continuing a “traditional” friendship is very difficult. Just because you've separated for a spell doesn't mean the love and lust is gone, it may be lying dormant. There ARE instances where when love is lost and the ex is someone who will only be an innocent friend. In this case you can't demand that your mate sever ties with the ex but Paul's situation is somewhat different – there was definitely some shady dealings going on. Old girl isn't that naïve … SPEND THE NIGHT WITH HIM AFTER DRINKS? GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. :-/

What the chick is oblivious to is the FACT that her CURRENT MAN should have come first. This is something she should not have had to have been told. An amalgamation of hurt feelings can arise if the time you spend with your ex, or chatting your ex, exceeds the time you spend with your current mate. Chick doesn't see that with men an uninterrupted friendship with an ex is a territorial issue in a man's eyes. It seems like Paul's girl is the Needy Damsel. She has something new and good but wants to stay friends with her ex because she knows he loves her – or at least use to love her … maybe. If it turns out Paul does not accept her for who she is, she can always turn to her naïve nice guy ex for validation (and a quick hook-up). The chick needs to have a frank, concise talk with her ex: “Akbar Saleem, I think you're a great person and you have been a good friend to me. However, I'm really excited about my new relationship, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it, so I'm going to say goodbye now. I wish you all the best in life. Goodbye.” She doesn't have to justify herself to her ex or negotiate with Akbar. Just keep it short and get off of the phone. But she won't do this, Paul, because she's already shown herself to be shady and manipulative.

Here's the good, uncut shit for you Paul: The first several months of a new relationship are often fragile – even when THERE ARE NOT outside people influencing the relationship. If she were truly SERIOUS about seeing if you ARE her life-partner, both of you would cut out the lovers of the past. As your relationship strengthens and the issues and decisions involved get more complex, you will be relieved that you have one less pair of of scrutinizing you and one less voice giving their two cents. Look, I'm no saint or Sigmund Freud but if it walks like Puffy, raps like Puffy, and Harlem Shakes like Puffy, Paul … it's Puffy! I'm not saying she's a hoe, bruh, but let's go down the checklist: 

A) Did you hit the first time you saw her ... RAW?

B) Is her child's paternity in doubt? i.e. Is she a PRIME CANDIDATE for the Maury Show?

C) Does she get into arguments on FB with dude's who are slutting her out girlfriends because she was unaware she was the jump-off?

D) Is she getting passed around, like a blunt at the Source Awards, to dude's homeboys? 

If the answer to just ONE of the above questions is "Yes" you got a hoe on your hands and it's not worth the headaches, Paul -- Cut your losses. I mean either she's gonna shape-up or ship-out … but as my sister said, “Why would he still want her? She's shown him if there ever was a choice between the two she's picking him [Akbar the Ex] and, from that demonstration, she's shown that she doesn't have Paul's back!” …there you have it Paul. I don't have to sign it to you, do I?

Wow, I used a whole column on ONE problem, friends? Sighing Nevertheless, I hope you were entertained and continue reading. As always, spread the news and keep hitting me with that feedback and your ideas. I hope all is well with friends, family, health, and work. Stay Groovy and Be Peace!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist