Monday, August 13, 2012

BABIES AND FOOLS: CHAD JOHNSON


Wow. 2.5 more weeks and the summer is going to be a thing of the past, huh? Where does all the time go? It seems as if last week I was having a welcoming in another birthday, now I’m thinking about a Labor Day Jam. Gee Whiz...

Anywho, I am a true believer in “balance” and its place and influence in Human Civilization. But as my studies of “balance” over my adult life have taught me: The Law of Balance can be a blessing and a curse. Take a second, sit back on your sofa, in your chair at your work desk, or on that couch at Starbucks, and think for a couple of minutes about all of the people that you know with good common sense. You got a picture in mind? Okay, now I will bet you lunch at Rosa Mexicano’s that you know almost an equal amount of pathetic idiots who make decisions, that force you to scratch your head, let out a sigh and say “What the fuck?” These are and can be family members, friends, friends of friends, co-workers, or some random guy or girl from the street. I know people in my personal life that make me cringe when I think of the shit that they do and behaviors they repeat that keep them broke and in drama. A lot of you don’t know these people but some of you do so I will come back to them and give an example of someone we all know – our friend Chad “Ocho-Cinco” Johnson.

For those of you who aren’t aware of this buffoon, Chad Johnson, at one point was one of the NFL’s Top Eight wide receivers. Physically, he was (and still may be) an immense talent rivaled by very few, but Chad has never been the sharpest knife in the drawer … and the fact that he couldn’t grasp and understand the New England’s Patriots offensive scheme proves as much but that's another story. In fairness, no one ever proclaimed Chad as the next Albert Einstein, not even Chad himself. What I am saying is that over the past couple of years Number 85 hasn’t exercised one once of common sense.

First, he decides to "wife" a reality show hooker whose only claim-to-fame is being a gold-digging skeezer. Let’s call a spade a spade, my friends: The ONLY reason Evelyn is where she is today is because she allowed several basketball players to run through her and had kids by one of those idiots and, VIOLA, BASKETBALL WIVES FAME. So not only does Chad PUBLICLY make a hoe he smashed on the FIRST DATE ON VH-1(world-wide television) his wifey – This nincompoop MARRIES this broad. I know the great Kanye West said “I don’t care what none of y’all say, I still lover her”, but damn, Chad, Yeezy was fucking joking!

Okay, gang, let’s fast-forward to last Friday afternoon. Chad’s dumb-ass gets caught with a receipt for a box of condoms. Yeah … I know, fellas, I know. This fact only re-enforces my assumption that Chad is an idiot with absolutely NO common sense. Where dey do dat at? Chad, really, dawg? First, what the hell are you doing with the receipt, fool?! You throw that away out front along with the box and CVS bag, right, fellas? *SMDH* Second, you’re supposed to have a stash over one of your single boy’s cribs. Better yet, you’re Chad Johnson; your jump-off’s supposed to have the rubbers in the night stand or top drawer ready to go. It isn’t like you’re buying pussy off of the strip, Chad, right? Are you? *sighing* I wouldn’t put it past you, Number 85.

Moving on, so Chad (who we’ve just established that he’s no Steve Jobs) and his ran-through wife get into an argument over HIS fuckery, and he decides to pull a Hulk Hogan and head butts the hoe. Bad move. Chad, there’s no two ways about it lover what you did was inexcusable. You had no business putting your hands (head) on your wife, conceded hoe or not. Negro, you got caught with condoms! What was she supposed to think given she KNOWS you’re an idiot and you’re likely pull some stunt of infidelity – that’s why she hurried and married you, Chad! Trust me, after you had another sub-par season with the Dolphins and they cut you; she was taking half of that salary (and whatever else she could) and bounce on your goofy-ass.

 Nevertheless, Chad, you should have walked away from the argument and chilled for a bit – even if she hit you first. You’re 6’3”, 220 lbs., Chad and she was no match for you on any level (other than she’s way smarter than you). What did you gain from losing your rag and trying to knock the girl out…a weekend in jail? Look, fellas, this is the blueprint of what NOT to do in such situations. This Negro now has no job, no wife, no reality show, and is restrained from his own fucking home now. *smdh* Young MC said it best “You got no money, you got no car, you no woman and there you are”

Yep, you may have just blown it all, Number 85 in one weekend. I know that the messenger always get shot but I feel it’s my civic duty as an American, and my manly duty as a father-figure, Chad. See, I’m everyday people and I meet people where they are in life. Using this approach I’m a little something to everyone; I can shake your hand firm like a man and talk to you like a son. The reality of this sad scenario is that YOU, Chad, are the ultimate loser. You now have a WIFE BEATER sign hanging on your back, you may not get another NFL gig, and she’s gonna garner the public sympathy while cashing-in on another season of Basketball Hoes Wives. Actually, Evelyn may get her OWN reality show quiet as kept, while all Number 85 gets is 86'd from the Miami Dolphins. *SMFH*

So, getting back to my initial point, even though we need balance in this world, this is a prime example of what the tarnished side of the “common-sense coin” looks like. You would think that common-sense is something that’s supposed to be innate in all human beings but, strangely and sadly, this is not the case. Let’s all just hope everyone lands on their feet and happy endings are in store. Domestic violence never has a positive effect on anyone involved. And as dumb as Chad Johnson is and conniving as Evelyn may be they are both are, as I always say, Human After All…

My NEXT Babies and Fools Blog will be on STEVIE J!

The Hedonist
www.twitter.com/just_kristien