Thursday, May 24, 2012

Sex and Candy: Birthday Boy Special Edition

Birthday Boy in the hiz-zouse, Cadets, and I am back to talk my shit again! Do you realize that I haven't dropped a full-length blog on you guys since February? WTF is wrong with me these days? Well, it's was a rhetorical statement but the simple answer is nothing other than getting money and preparing for May 27th. So I'm looking in my ridiculously overflowing blog folder in my gmail ( to find something TO blog about and i am noticing a reoccurring theme: People's break-ups are becoming nastier and nastier. I'm talking fist-fights, scratched rides, best friends getting sloppy seconds and all that good stuff -- shit that you absolutely can't make up. Folks (ESPECIALLY ALL OF YOU GROWN FOLKS!) cut all of the rigmarole out! The Hedonist is going to help you out ... on MY birthday weekend! I know, the shit I do to amuse you while dropping some knowledge at the same time. 

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist, counselor, Baptist Minister, shoulder to cry on, Judge Judy, or pimp ... well, maybe by blood but you're missing my point. My advice is from my own meandering experience and it's not full-proof. I just give it to you raw and uncut like an uncircumcised Jamaican practicing unsafe sex. Enjoy! 

In 2003 my ex broke up with me out of nowhere. The fellas think I just missed the signs. But believe me: I’ve replayed the entire relationship in my head. There were no red flags. We were practically living together when she dropped the breakup bomb during an episode of Taxi Cab Confessions. Our year of dating ended in less time than it takes to collect a free Slurpee from 7-11 in July. I gave a year of my life and all I got was 20 minutes of “Sorry, I never meant to hurt you.” Plus, she ruined Taxi Cab Confessions forever.
I did think she was “the one.” We’d just gotten back from a vacation with her entire family, where she brought up the M word. I felt like my happily ever after was on its way. Yes, my pride was shattered. I mean all of the steady jump-off ass I kicked to the curb and new ass I missed out on.  But the truth is, I’m not angry that she left; just mortified at how she left. Do yourself (and your soon-to-be-ex) a favor and follow these steps to the other kind of happy ending. **wink-wink** What’s in it for you? She’ll be less likely to turn crazy. I’ve been there, too. 

Rule #1: Don’t say “I’m sorry” and “I never meant to hurt you” over and over again. They are empty phrases unless you can tell the broad why. Give them words. If you want to minimize the possible crazy reaction, talk to her before you run away. If you run, you are a fucking coward. If you text, you are a coward. Same goes for email and any form of social media. Period. You have no right to call someone crazy when you didn’t give them answers.

Rule #2: Break up with her when you really want to do it. Don’t hold out to spare her feelings, or your pride, or whatever the hell you’re sparing. Most often, chicks sense when there’s trouble in paradise. They'll then try to change your mind before you bring up any issues, which will be annoying to you—and really annoying to them when you dump THEM anyway. Just get’er done . . . in person!

Side note: We delay for two reasons: 1) We’re waiting for someone better to come along. Not cool, we realize, but it happens. 2) More likely, we’re not sure breaking up is the right thing to do. Women have the rep for being finicky, but guys are just as bad. One fight and we want to run into the arms of the cute Starbucks barista. But one great dinner together, or romp in the hay with you, and we’re fully invested again. At the risk of coming across like an old married guy, I regret to inform you that the idea of THE ONE is complete fallacy. We’re all compatible with hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of people. Successful relationships are the result of timing, not magic. No bullshit. 

Rule #3: Do not contact her the next day to ask how she’s doing. You know how she’s doing. Even if you have the best intentions, we know you’re just seeking assurances that you’re not a terrible person. It’s too early for that. You’ll just make us feel worse. Let her reach out to you if she wants to. You made a decision that you believed was right. And that’s okay! Let her deal with it in her own time. Frankly, she may come to the same conclusion you did.

Rule #4: Keep your distance. If you want her to get over you, give her the space to do so. Don’t go to bars you know she frequents. Don’t hang out with her family. Don't fuck her friends (even the curvy, grey-eyed brunette!). Don’t keep her as a Facebook friend. Again, she doesn’t want to see you; she wants to move on. Caveat: If you notice she’s everywhere you are, then she’s following you. As I said, I’ve been there.

Rule #5: Know which of these rules to break. Then there’s this. Every woman is different. Every relationship is different. Every breakup is different. The rules are really just forms of respect. You know her as well as anyone, so you should know which lines not to cross. It’s okay to want to be friends with someone you once loved, but in this situation, she comes first. (Please tell me that, by now, you’re good at letting her come first.) Look, fellas, all you can control is how YOU handle the situation. You can’t control how she reacts to it. At that point, your job is done. Fact is, if you can’t break up like a man, you shouldn’t be dating. So next time, man up, break up, and move on . . . respectfully.

So there you have it. My tried and true rules of the modern break-up D.C. style. I really don't have anything else for you guys this weekend; I'm just trying to make it to my birthday in one piece. God Willing. Shout to my girl --who's one of my favorite human-beings of all-time and fellow blogger-- Penny! I am elated to have you back and see that you're well. Take it easy this weekend. My birthday is Sunday and I need you to be around. More shouts go to my 11 good friends and family members who have birthdays in May. I love you all and stay groovy!!! 

Lastly, I almost forgot to add this in the installment (Thanks Mookie!!). As I said this morning on Twitter (@just_kristien), if you have to sit on the sofa and text slick shit/our business to your relative, girlfriend, or whomever about your man, and you are ALL in the same room, YOU ARE A FUCKING COWARD and disrespectful ... openly disrespectful! What type of signal does that send to your relative/friend? But, on a deeper level, how does punk-shit like that make your man feel? This is the type of tomfoolery that happens when an insecure, immature person is bored. Three things are bound to happen in this childish scenario laced with fuckery: 1) He's gonna leave your tired, cowardly ass there with your relative never to return because you alienated him and blatantly disrespected him IN FRONT of the third-party. Why would he want to be around you when you pull shit like that and smile in his face ... coward. See, he CHOOSES to commune around you and your relative; it's not a right or responsibility that he has to do so. 2) He's NOT gonna TRUST you because you are obviously putting HIS business out on the street to your relative/friend. You don't know how NOT to INCLUDE third-parties in your relationship? Are you fucking everybody in the damn room? Home business stays HOME PERIOD. How would he look no, better yet, how would YOU look to his daughter or best boy if HE were texting your business and slick shit across the room to his daughter or main man? How would YOU feel, coward? ...yeah, that's what I thought. 3) You MAY catch him in the wrong mood and ... well ... just know everyone doesn't take punk-ass, cowardly slights in stride. NOW GO RUN AND TEXT THAT TO WHOEVER. #MIRROREFFECT  <~~Thanks, Sis (Mookie) ... I love you! 

Anywho, enough addressing this lame, everyone have a pleasant and SAFE holiday weekend! If I told you not to drink too much I would be a hypocrite. But, if you're gonna do that, have someone else drive or catch a cab! In addition, as C.L. Smooth says, "Use ya condom and take sips of the brew!" Stay Groovy and God Speed!  <3 :-D

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist