Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Sex and Candy (Your Questions): NAPPY DUGOUT & MILE-HIGH CLUB


I’m back one mo ‘gain, friends! ...yes, I’m here to talk my shit again if allowed and the powers at be don’t shut me down. Which, in such a case, I will start ANOTHER blog and re-post my present collection of jewels in a “BEST OF” column as I have them all saved in a secret location, in a secret safe, on my secret base. Nevertheless, the weekend was hot and cold as I sort of expected, gang. I ventured out of town and spent time with family and friends, and had three days of awesome food, but the Redskins LOST AGAIN and there was no Rock Star Sex. I know, right … what the hell was I thinking? Long story. Today we will address Milo’s unkempt girlfriend (He sent me pics) then venture over to Black Wayne whose drop-dead, gorgeous, dirty blond girlfriend (No bullshit, she is a WIN-NER … he sent me pics too.) made him a junior member of the Mile-High Club. After-which, we will address a lame named Samuel who’s just an all-around bag of uncut dicks who doesn’t support his five damn kids.

Random Rant: Look, I love you all who are my Facebook friends and family, BUT if ONE MORE of you send me a request to play another of the those sorry-ass, time-wasting, non-entertaining FACEBOOK GAMES? I am going to come to your place of employment and put my foot so far up your butt it’s gonna extend through your navel!! I’m am not kidding.

Let’s get back the our friends with problems and questions, shall we?

Dear Kris,

I’ve met my girl on www.blackpeoplemeet.com (she’s black and i’m white), and hit it off good for quite a long time. We became fast friends and the sex was awesome. We were compatible on every conceivable level and started talking about a long-term arrangement. Shortly after those conversations --slowly but surely-- things started to go downhill. I know you don’t like “sistas” but try to imagine hair that was done twice month being in the same ponytail for two months! And now she has to the nerve to be putting on weight along with her hygiene dropping. She doesn’t stink or anything but she knows I love it when it’s completely bald down there. “That” doesn’t stink either but she is a black woman and it can get quite nappy down there, you know? What I am asking is what should I do or what can i do to change my situation for the better? And try not to clown me like you do all of the other poor saps who write in.

Milo H.


Okay, Milo, lets get one thing straight: I never SAID that I didn’t like black women. What I SAID was I’ve ran through so many, in my younger years, that I have left them to rank amateurs such as yourself. It’s called evolution, Milo, and in this case my taste in women have evolved. What I eat doesn’t make anyone else shit so to each its own. *sighing* ...back to you, Milo.

Remember the first time you met your shorty? Didn’t you love those skintight jeans and the grill that made it possible to look her in the eyes? All of the dieting, Pilates, and expensive hair appointments transformed her into a beautiful chocolate brickhouse and a head-turner any street in Tucson, AZ. Now snap back to the present: It's a year later and an expired gym membership, several discount hair chops, and hundreds of weekends in extra large sweats later and your head-turning partner has become a head-scratching dilemma.

Truth be told, she’s letting herself go.

There could be a number of reasons why she’s letting herself go, but you don't have the time or the psychology degree to figure out all the ”whys.” You should, however, devise a plan to figure out how you are going to change her current attitude and smell, playboy.

Ask any woman and she will tell you “beauty is pain.” Not only does it mean that it hurts to stay attractive (Bikini wax anyone?) but that it's also a pain in her (once toned) butt to keep up the upkeep. So, now she’s letting herself go because it’s much easier to maintain the hygiene habits of an 11-year-old boy. Now her finger nails are short and dirty, she doesn’t shave (anywhere) often enough and she gets her hair cut and colored in salons that you wouldn’t take your Rottweiler to.

Get her feeling fresh and frisky: Buy her a gift certificate for a day at the spa. Find a place that specializes in the maintenance of all the female areas and buy certificates for specific treatments like facials, nails, waxing or massages or one general certificate and let her choose how she spends it. At least something will get groomed. Give it to her as a ”just because” gift and mention how she deserves to be pampered -- then casually hint that you like it when she is waxed and manicured (I DO).

It used to be that you couldn’t drag her out of Saks or Neiman’s. Now, she has traded in her designer attire for box-store discount duds. She has started to dress like a mom -- worse, she’s letting herself go and becoming your mom -- and it’s a major turnoff. The fact is that, just like men, at some point women care more about comfort than style and label. Also, if she has packed on more than a few pounds, she is going to pick clothes that she thinks will hide her extra weight. Unless, she has the mentality of one of those hoes on Mediatakeout.com who will wear anything and still thinks she looks good.

Get her dressed to kill: Offer to take her shopping on your dime. Help her pick out outfits by telling her exactly what clothes you like and don’t like on her. If she sees that you keep picking tight shirts and low-rise jeans, she will get the hint. Make sure to venture into the lingerie section for nighttime attire and downtown to the Sex Shop. Ask her out on evening dates and tell her ass to get dressed up. Take her places where she knows other women will be dressed to impress so her fat-ass has to dress well.

Life starts moving fast while the metabolism starts slowing down. Here’s a scenario that might explain why she’s letting herself go (But she just might be lazy, Milo!): She’s too tired to hit the gym and she’s always on the go, which leads her to constantly eat on the go. She’s letting herself go because she’s finding it impossible to eat healthy, which is leading to unwanted pounds. You want to tell her to hit the treadmill, but she would drop a 45-pound plate on your skull if you made any indication that she needed to lose weight. A few extra pounds may lead to a few bigger dress sizes and she becomes a fun-house mirror image of her old self. Me, I like me a thicker, curvy dame, Milo -- if you are a loyal reader you would know that … their cowgirl is much better.

Get her back into fighting shape: Make it all about you. Tell her you are feeling overweight and self-conscious and want to lose some weight. Ask her to be your gym buddy. If she doesn’t like grunting it out at the gym, find activities that promote fitness but don't feel like working out. Arrange some ”workout dates” like biking, hiking and stop for a low-fat snack afterward. Many women need an event for which to get ready; why do you think she looked so good on your wedding day? Pick an event to prepare for and train with her to run a 5K or to look your best for your next high school reunion.

You have your work cut-out for you, playboy, just be subtle and tread lightly into each conversation you bring up about her weight, clothing choices and the fact that she has more underarm hair than a barber shop, in Harlem, on a Saturday. Each of these problems is easily remedied. Most important in all of this is to try to get to the bottom of exactly why she’s letting herself go. It could be something even more serious than just lack of time or effort. She looks pretty decent now so the situation isn't dire. But are you laying the pipe like you used to, Milo? I mean there are multiple sides to every story. I can see you not eating the snatch when the hair is as nappy as Anthony Hamilton’s BEFORE he got a record deal; but what made your bubble-but, chocolate sex-kitten “go natural” and grow a pubic afro? Did you stop eating the puss-puss and she simply saw no reason to keep it squeaky clean? Also, what about the weight, Payboy? You can’t handle a curvy dame, huh? You knew when you got with her that those Nubian hips were gonna spread -- are you afraid to try it out for one winter? BBW and “Chubby” Porn is some the best ya gonna see these days, Milo … no bullshit. Anywho, I hope this helps, Milo, and you can get some of what you desire in the long run. Always be aware of her feelings and take it lite in your conversations. Don’t say something insensitive and STUPID that’ll make her leave you high and dry, okay? You don’t want her reading your follow-up email to me, Milo, while sitting that phat-ass on my lap, in front of my computer, drinking a glass of Pink Moscato, IN HER PANTIES … IN ONE OF MY T-SHIRTS. Be peace. ;O)

Hedonist,

While on a plane a few weeks ago, I had a really cool experience. My girlfriend jacked me off under a blanket, and nobody saw -- or so we thought. Everything about that was cool, but the flight attendant came up to us and said someone reported we were being inappropriate and disruptive. She asked for our information. I’m scared something might happen. Can they sue us, arrest us or fine us?

Thanks,
Black Wayne



**In my Denzel Washington, Training Day Voice** MY NIGGA! Congrats!! Well, that’s a variation of the mile-high club. I think you need penetration to technically earn your wings (or get some sloppy head), but I’ll give you an honorable mention at the very least. I’m not a lawyer, so you’ll need to contact one for official legal advice on flight laws and indecent exposure. That being said, any public sexual activity or nudity can definitely get you in trouble with the law. Here’s my uneducated take on it. As long as your penis and the jacking occurred under the blanket and out of people’s sight, there’s no “hard” evidence (NO PUN INTENDED! *laughing*). You had a rash that day and she was being a good girlfriend and scratching, right? I think if they were going to be a report or police involvement, it would’ve happened immediately after your flight. Did the flight attendant mention her information gathering was about anything sexual? It’s so late in the game that if they were going to do something, it likely would’ve happened by now. I think you’re in the clear. Or maybe they got your information to send you the dry-cleaning bill for that blanket. We all know it takes a double dry clean to get the baby batter out. Thumbs up for keeping your sex life interesting, but be careful about the public displays of affection. Great story to tell the grandsons though, ya know? GODSPEED to you, my friend, and as a Senior Member and Diamond Cardholder of the Mile-High Club I SALUTE YOU!

Well, my initial intentions were to address this Sam character but I don’t want to clutter this installment and, in addition, I think that the problem has been remedied to a point. Tre, let me know how to proceed. Shouts and Love go out to Penny, Meli, Mookie, Dawnie, Kurmit, Mary (Denver), Liz, Tricky Nicki, Katie, Debz, Andrew, Laura, this one, that one, and them!! Stay Groovy and God Bless!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

www.twitter.com/just_kristien