Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies: Ask for the Moon (Closed mouths never get fed)

Take a deep breath, suspend all disbelief and walk through the following(Admittedly ridiculous)conversation with me …

So, I'm at an after-party with a relative -- I attended a professional ballroom dancing competition. The appetizers and drinks are flowing (this excursion was on particular relative's dime ... so this makes the weekend outstanding!), and the conversations are jovial and varied. With Kristien being Kristien, I'm drinking my fill and working the room as any proper hedonist/gentleman would do. While patrolling the room i came across gentleman who was, perhaps, 7 years my elder. Our conversation skipped from topic-to-topic until we landed the amazing Eastern European Chicks that were so abundant in the room. Here's part of the conversation:

Me: Man, what do you think about that foxy, little brunette number over there by fireplace?

Charles: She’s nice … maybe a little too nice. I usually go for the average-looking dancers. They’re easier to approach and, more importantly, here at these after-parties, they’re more likely let you fuck the first night.

Me: Word? Wow … but who says the fine chicks aren’t fucking just as quickly or even more so? That’s crazy … I’m shooting at the best thing available that’s not attached to someones arm.

Charles: I see were you’re coming from, buddy? But I don’t go through the all of the red tape and attitudes when you could fuck just as easy or easier with the average looking babe who’s just as flexible!

Me: Huh?


Charles, allow me to help you out and tell you exactly WHY your logic is flawed, my friend.


You were always told that it’s important to have standards in life: to aim high, to keep shooting for new and loftier goals. However, we tend to forget this in the face of seemingly overwhelming obstacles, like when the pool of quality females runs dry and you’re suddenly contemplating a step backward. It isn’t a “step backward” in your increasingly desperate mind, because to avoid that lonely sensation creeping up your spine, you begin to justify and rationalize. It happens to every man at one time or another. “She’s prettier when she’s in a certain light.” “She’s not that stupid; she just has unique insights.” “It’d be tough for a supermodel to look great in such a bad dress.” Sometimes, you simply make the argument that less-than-favorable company is better than none at all; unfortunately, this can lead to a downward spiral. Pretty soon, you’re sleeping with anything that breathes and stands erect.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR REPUTATION, PLAYBOY?

Building and maintaining a good reputation is one of the prime concerns for A Player, and anything that can have a detrimental effect on this can easily hinder his future actions and plans. If you start slipping and you begin to entertain a certain “standard” that isn’t up to your standards, word will get around. The ladies can try to convince everyone that they never notice the type of women a guy dates -- but we all know it matters, which is why your high standards must remain intact. Sacrificing your requirements for the sake of a roll in the sack or the back of your Audi is something desperate, lonely men do, and if you find yourself in that position, you can hardly consider yourself a pickup artist. It’s all about keeping up appearances. As a side benefit, you will also keep your essential Player skills finely honed -- it’s always more difficult to land a woman of quality, right?

Here’s a scenario:  OK, so you just had sex. But you settled. You didn’t really have your pick of the crowd that night and in the end, it feels more like a disappointment than a success. Scoring with the hottest, most sought-after Player-loving women gives you an ego boost that can quite literally last for weeks, and this directly feeds your motivation and desire to adhere to the highest of standards. When you’re stuck with your “plan D” on a continual basis, something is off. Besides, you begin to think you don’t need the better-quality woman. You start to entertain the damaging theory that says, “If I don’t get her, I can always nail the drunk, slightly overweight one over there.” It will eventually stunt your ability to conquer the best of the best and, one day, you’ll turn around and realize that your level of fulfillment has fallen drastically. This is why the importance of high standards matters. Don’t let this happen to you.

You are a high-class individual, and while any good ladies’ man prides himself on adaptation, on easily and fluidly relating to all women, certain girls are simply more suited to your lifestyle. They may have higher expectations (say, a Broadway show and an elegant dinner over a chain restaurant and window shopping), but at the same time, they will appreciate the finer things in life, which means their esteem for you reflects back in your favor. Furthermore, the more you associate with a higher-caliber woman, the more you will become involved with that circle of society and the more you will be forced to adapt (i.e., act the part). Such a strategic maneuver shows forward thinking: You are setting yourself up for more contacts of a similar style and personality, and with little in the way of extra effort. This should help you reconnect with your high standards.

Nevertheless, the night would have it that neither one of us left with a chick from what I saw. My wingman, Brian, had familial obligations so he had to jet back down 95, but all-in-all it was a good weekend. But back to what I was saying, friends: Never lower your standards when it comes to anything in life -- Friends, Family, Sex, Work, Respect, Music, or ANYTHING! Always shoot for moon or something outer-worldly and groovy! I gotta get back to work. Stay Groovy and Be Peace!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

www.twitter.com/just_kristien

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies: Look before you leap - MEN

It's been quite a long time since I've posted something for you guys to read and enjoy. Believe me, the decrease in production is not due to laziness or lack of effort - this is not the case. Everyday someone says, "Kris, you should write about this. Kris you should talk about that!"  ...my creative process doesn't work like that, friends. Unless someone who's a close friend asks me to address something that's bothering them I'm not usually feeling most of the topics that land in my inbox. I've also written and scrapped several posts simply because they were not up to previous standards. I refuse to deliver you folks a shitty product. Period.

Over the past few weeks I've been observing a disturbing trend that's two-fold: 1) Brothers taking their women for granted and, 2) Women are just simply going for anything men do and say. For the sake of fluidity and structure I'm going to address these trends in order because I KNOW I go off on rants at times, and you guys end up like "WTF? Lemme go back and re-read that again" yes, I've been reading all of your constructive criticism.   

Fellas, allow me to say I feel your carnal pain and conflict, okay? Your boy, The Hedonist, has had way more than his share of good leg -- PREMIUM leg I would have to say. Brunettes, Blonds, Indian, Asian, Mulatto ... if you can name it I've dabbled in it at some point in my 30 plus years. I can understand what a man goes through. Lets say you have a great girlfriend. A curvy, red-head with emerald green eyes with an excellent career, and the sex is approaching rock star levels. But, for some reason, you can't take your eyes off of that Latin number down in accounting with the hips and ass like J-Lo, right? You're curious as to what it's like from the back and is the cowgirl better than your red-head's version. What about the REVERSE cowgirl? These are questions that demand an immediate answer so you take a shot at it and find out not only is the sex better Maria can cook! NOW what do you do? Do you leave Becky for Maria or you let a fling be a fling? Decision - Decisions, huh? This is something that goes on everyday with married and attached men, and though I don't condone it I, as a former playa-pimp, understand. Sadly, men don't realize that this sort of behavior -- while being a temporary boost to the ego-- is counterproductive and self-destructive in the long run. You will learn the hard way that not only is this behavior hurting others; it also almost never pays off and, certainly, will never lead to true love. 

My dear friend, to whom I'm fiercely loyal and protective of, was having some problem last week with her husband. I don't know a lot about the guy but I know GUYS (as illustrated in the scenario above), so the jury is still out on him as far as I'm concerned. My girl tells me he's not a pussy chaser but I beg to differ, baby (even though I trust your judgment). A man's thirst for new pussy is innate and unquenchable ... almost identical to a vampire's thirst for blood. And it's almost sickening to see you fellas screw up a really good thing for the unknown -- the 80/20 rule. Being the stand-up guy that I am, I'm going to try to talk some sense into these knuckle heads and let them know why your fling, or ongoing relationship, with your jump-off or mistress will never pan-out to anything.

When a guy has an affair with a new woman, he may not start out thinking of making it a permanent relationship, but sometimes, if the relationship persists, that question pops up. Much like when you were dating before you were married, it is typically the woman who first starts talking about “taking the relationship to the next level.” Some guys who are having an affair would never consider this IF they're SMART. Other dumb niggas, though, might see this new woman as a possible antidote to a failing marriage or as the one they should have married in the first place. This is childish and erroneous thinking on the man's part. You should know that the odds are heavily against going from an affair to a long-term, lasting relationship. Some research suggests that about only one in 10 affairs lead to a long-term relationship. Of these, only about 10%  are permanent. This means that there is about a one in a hundred chance that you and your side-bitch will stay together for the long haul. And you thought the approximately 50% divorce rate was high! 

One reason for this dismal statistic is that when a relationship begins with an affair, both parties know the other has been willing to betray their spouse, so they lack trust in each other. In addition, your fling/relationship with the jump-off isn't based in anything real. Some cats give up their careers, their children, their homes, and everything else to pursue that phat J-Lo Clone. Most of those men eventually wind up in counseling because they have jumped from the frying pan into the fire.


Affairs and flings are not good solutions for a failing marriage/relationship; they only make matters worse. If you are in the midst of an affair, I would recommend that you, at least temporarily, put the affair on hold and resolve what you are doing about the marriage. If the marriage cannot be salvaged, then it is best for you and all those concerned to end the marriage rather than to carry on a double life ... trust me on this.  Remember, too, that being in a torrid love affair is quite different from a long-term, committed relationship like marriage. You don’t visit this ho's grandmother, you don’t pay taxes with this tramp, you don’t raise kids with her ( I HOPE YOU DON'T because that's ANOTHER BAG OF WORMS!), etc. Affairs and marriages are apples and oranges. You don’t know what it is like to be married to someone until you are married to them.

More importantly, though, are the kids that are involved. Don’t expect your affair to remain a secret from your children. They eventually figure it out. When your children are old enough to understand that you left their mother for another for broad, they are likely to feel that you betrayed not only their mother but the family, as well. In my experience, this seems particularly true for daughters. Just being a guy can get you halfway convicted by your daughters, perhaps because they've experienced cheating boyfriends. Extenuating circumstances for your affair, such as the fact that you and your ex-wife hadn't had good sex in years, will be neither understood nor accepted by your children. Furthermore, if you and your new love try to stay together, your children are going to resent the bitch, putting even more strain on your relationship with her.

Look, I am by no means am I a therapist or relationship counselor, guys. My advice is solely of my own meandering experience and learning vicariously through others. If you had something great that's only mediocre now work to make it great again. If the money's low budget or take on a part-time gig. If the sex isn't what it used to be try some porn, sex toys, or Viagra -- persuade her to swallow ... you're both grown.

Now ladies ... you HAVE to use your head and stop making excuses for these chumps. If it walks, like a duck, talks like a duck then it's a duck. A buddy of mine who's beautiful and a successful business owner told me yesterday that a Negro that she has LIVING with her and her son isn't laying any pipe.

"Kris, I had to beg him to jump on this good thang the other night and, at first, he said 'No'"

"Are you fucking crazy? It must not be good then, huh?" <~~ Me fishing! *laughing* 

"Oh, Kris, it's good ... believe me"

"Well, I want to see what all the fuss is about then. *laughing* Nevertheless,there HAS to be a reason he's reluctant to knock it down"

"I went through his phone, and I saw text messages that he's still talking to his 'ex-girlfriend'" 

See what I mean, ladies? Why is she letting this cat run this bullshit on her? Why is she going for such fuckery ... put that Negro out. You AND your son deserve much better, don't you think? Women of the world, I know that men are dogs but don't provide the dog house for them to live in! Grow a spine and DEMAND better. *sighing* 

Well, that's all I have for now as I AM preparing for Cinco De Mayo, cadets! I hope that all is well with friends, family, work, health, and love. Stay Groovy and God Bless! <3 ;O) 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

www.twitter.com/just_kristien