Saturday, August 20, 2011
THE HEDONIST'S ONLINE DATING COMMANDMENTS
Lately, while watching television (when I DO watch television), I've been noticing a lot of eHarmony and Match.com commercials boasting about their success rates. Saying their hook-ups lead to marriage. Really? Maybe it's the social circles that I travel but I'm not getting much positive feedback about the long-term health of relationships that begin on an online dating site. And you can forget finding love on sites such as Tagged, Onlinebootycall, and Blackplanet; sites, whether outwardly or not, devoted to getting some quick sex. Now the success rate of getting your knob slobbed meeting a chick off of one of these sites is actually astronomically high – and I'm talking on the first date. But finding your soul-mate and the dude you're gonna take home to Dad? Uh, perhaps you'd better look elsewhere. Nevertheless, I've put together a list of commandments, that if followed to the letter you will have immense success no matter what your long or short term, romance goals are. As I always say, I'm no counselor ... my advice derives from my own meandering experience. Peruse and Enjoy!
#1 - Thou Shall Always Communicate thy TRUE INTENTIONS – Look, it is what it is and we are all adults. If you're on eHarmony telling chicks that you wanna get married and start a family, but you're only looking for a curvy red-head to give you some quick ass, you're being misleading. Better yet, a down right lie. On the same hand, if you're on Tagged truly looking for a long-term relationship don't give up the booty before the first three or four dates; YOU are also sending out the wrong message. I understand that sometimes chemistry will dictate a situation but if you go in determined to see your original goal through you'll have a much greater chance at success ... on another dating site.
#2 - Thou Shalt Never Lie About Thy Relationship Status – Simply put … KEEP IT REAL. Or, better yet, leave Match.com alone until you've kicked that guy or girl to the curve. Really. Shit has the possibility of getting REAL really fast i.e. The whole thing could blow-up in your face and it's very likely you'll witness or take part in a round of fisticuffs. No Bullshit. But if you insist on being a lame and sneaking online, be a real man or woman and let folk know the real deal.
#3 - Thou Shall Try To Be Transparent as Possible With Your Facebook – The reason that I say this is because your Facebook is basically who you are (For MOST people!). On Facebook your family and TRUE FRIENDS tend to keep you honest and on-point, and the curvy blonde from Atlanta will have a chance to see somewhat WHO YOU REALLY are. Just be sure not to post any outlandish shit in your status box until she gets to know you a bit. So go ahead and accept her friend request, it can't hurt, and you can always edit your privacy settings so that she won't be able to see pictures of the ex. *Wink-wink*
#4 - Thou Shall LIMIT Your Conversations To The PRESENT And FUTURE – This is a VERY important commandment to adhere to. He doesn't want to hear about the ex, with the 11 inch dick, who drove an Aston Martin, and produced Maroon 5's last smash hit. Nor, fellas, does she about your ex's crab cakes and asparagus, and that she swallowed after three dates. Look, all I am saying is that in the infancy stages of a relationship we all prefer to keep things light. In addition, the past is the past and it CAN NOT be altered in any way; compounded with the fact that he/she doesn't give a damn unless you have a felony record for identity theft and distribution of narcotics. Keep things light and your ex OUT OF THE CONVERSATION!
#5 - Thou Shall PICK UP THE PHONE – No one likes a thousand text messages that consist of “LOL” (when you're really not laughing) and :-D (when you're really not smiling) unless you're some pretentious, 10th Grade Female. Be a MAN and ASK FOR HER NUMBER and CALL HER at a decent time that evening or the next. And don't send a text ASKING if it's cool to call now, if she's busy she will let you know that she's busy by telling you so or, if I'm with her, she simply won't answer her cell. Side note: The reason that I put this on the fellas is that a man is supposed to be a man and take some initiative. Be assertive and let her see your interest. ;-)
#6 - Thou shall not MOVE TOO FAST (unless you're only looking for a fuck buddy) – Ladies, most of this one falls in your lap and here's why: You meet a guy on Interracial Singles and he talks that good game to you and even introduces you to his mama over the phone. He's saying all of the right things so you decide to give him the booty on the second date. Tyrone then starts acting funny, and after a short while the stupid “LOL's” and “Good Morning, Sweetheart” texts stop coming. After which, in another two weeks, the late night phone calls stop coming, and then your dumb ass is in all in my FB Inbox and Gmail asking what went wrong. *SMFH* You weren't patient and you didn't issue him a challenge, to show him your affection and body are worth a lot more than some slick talk. Simple. As they say, easy “CUM”, easy go, and since relationships, in the long run, aren't that easy nor should him getting the booty be either. Do NOT get me wrong, honey, I KNOW that booty is probably good … I KNOW it is. But allow some
things to remain a mystery and save some of your secrets until it's appropriate to reveal them. Right as rain, I am.
#7 - Thou Shall Narrow Your Search – What I mean by this is that there is no damn need to be on Onlinebootycall, Craigslist, Blackplanet, AND eHarmony ALL AT THE SAME TIME. I used to screw around with this Italian chick in VA who was on ALL of the above named sites all at the same time. EVERYPLACE that we went there was someone that went to dinner with her, someone who hit that, or someone who went to dinner AND hit that. One time I had a dude wanting to fight me in a Honky-Tonk Bar in Alexandria because, apparently, his dinner date didn't go as planned, and he was still vexed. I know that you're thinking: Kristien, what is your black ass doing in a white ass HONKY-TONK BAR with an ITALIAN CHICK?!? Trust me, I have stories that are A LOT wilder, my friends. **sighing** Anywho, back to what I was saying … Even if you're just looking to screw, narrow that thing down to a couple of sites at most. Especially here in D.C. (which is only 9.9 Square Miles) because you're bound to run into someone you knew not too long ago.
#8 - Thou Shall ALWAYS Meet for Coffee/Cocktails in an OPEN AND NEUTRAL LOCATION – This one is mainly for the ladies also unless your gay or lesbian (hey, I don't judge, fam … I love everyone! ;-D). Because this IS the internet and people are f*^king warped these days. In addition, if those pics she's been texting you are from 2001 you're not committed to a prolonged stay – finish your damn coffee and get back on the Red Line, Playa!!!!
#9 - Thou Shall Not “Sext” Until You've Had Several GREAT DATES – I mean, Playboy, you're gonna eventually “whip it out” one day anyway, right? And, ladies, THESE FOOLS ARE CRAZY OUT HERE! And if shit doesn't work out between the two of you, believe me, your little Android phone videos of you with your toy and those open-twat flicks you sent are going to be posted on www.contrastporn.com No Bullshit. ...for EVERYONE TO SEE AND DOWNLOAD.
#10 - Thou Shall ALWAYS TELL YOUR BEST GIRLFRIEND WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON – The fellas may be angry but to hell with them, ladies. THESE FOOLS ARE CRAZY OUT HERE! Always give your girlfriend and sister that cat's number, email, and work number (He BETTER HAVE A JOB!). Safety is first and foremost, girls. Also, don't invite that fool over to the crib until your sister and girlfriend have that info and you're sure this dude is on the up-and-up.
Okay, as a reminder, these commandments are a working document and will be amended as the suggestions come in. This isn't the end-all list so lets work together on this friends! ;O)
That's all I have for today (and probably for another week) so enjoy the rest of your weekend and enjoy friends, good food, and family! ;O) Stay Groovy and God Bless...
Your Old Pal,