Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Facebook and Twitter Etiquette for Bootleg Adults - Limited Edition

After a conversation with a good buddy via Twitter I decided to revise my quarterly etiquette manual  to include Twitter and IM's (specifically FB and Yahoo). We were laughing  about this common friend who seems to believe that Twitter is a cross between, Adultfriendfinder, and Interracial Singles. Listen, I don't care how ass she's putting out, it's her business, but I feel it's a damn shame that everyone on Twitter knows. How does one screw multiple guys (unprotected), who may not live near one another, but ALL know one another via Twitter? *SMDH* Moving on, as we were going back and forth, with our timelines obviously visible to all of our friends. I get several messages to my inbox like this:

"Kris, are you guys talking about Katie (for the sake of her privacy)? Man, that's a shame how Russell dissed her"

"I feel sorry for anyone who goes in that, she told me she didn't use a condom with Kevin" 


"Dave went to see her in-person, almost laughed in her face, but did it anyway... it was just too easy to turn-down" 

I got a couple more but they are way over-the-top...

Until I met this person, I never knew that Twitter had this salacious sub-culture with hook-ups, phone sex, and the whole nine. I always thought Twitter was a new-age way to vent whatever you wanted to the world -- think virtual Post-It Notes. Quite naive, huh? It often fascinates me as to what the conversations are women like Katie have with themselves. Today, I will post a picture of my tits on Twitter. Don't judge me. It's not to get attention, besides, everyone else is doing it. Wait, I think a shot in my panties will be even better. Genius! *sighing* Well, Katie, here's my time-tested manual to help you get your sh*t back on track. We can't have everyone laughing at you, shaking their heads in disgust, or f^*king you raw-dog -- it simply isn't a good look for a mother of two, dear.

Allow me to say this up front: I'm not on my "Soap Box" in any form or fashion. I'm not better than other human-being walking the earth nor do I claim to be. I learn my life-lessons vicariously like most of us do but, from what I've observed, some of you out there need a little guidance. With no further adieu ... Facebook and Twitter Etiquette for Bootleg Adults - Limited Edition 

1.When someone changes their Facebook relationship status do not post questions or comments on their wall.

2.Do not use your status message to have a passive aggressive argument with someone or to take a very immature side shot at someone. (I have encountered this problem and it's annoying as people think it's a clever thing to do, while in reality they end up looking silly and childish)

Helpful Tip: If you believe you are the recipient of status message shit-talk here's what you can do: In your main timeline, where the friend or relative's post is listed. Go to the upper right-hand corner and click on the "X" and you can hide their postings in your time-line. This way their immaturity, bad karma, and negative energy doesn't permeate your positive flow, and they are none the wiser. I've done this to several people and believe me it makes Facebook a MUCH better place for me. Because, at the end of the day, who cares about our petty squabbles with friends and "relatives"? Facebook is supposed to be a positive place of networking and reunion's.

3.If you don’t like someone on your buddy list for whatever reason, delete them and block them if necessary.

This also something that bugs me, FBF... if you don't like me or vice versa DELETE ME! Don't silently check my notes, relationship status, and daily posts you loser. YOU HAVE THAT MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS? Go to UMUC or Phoenix Online and get some business to attend to, loser. Facebook isn't going anywhere, but the folks pages that you are silently checking are being productive and doing things with their lives while you sit and watch.

4.Do not add people you don’t trust to your Facebook if your activity on Facebook is very private in nature.

5.Be careful with adding job networks and adding your actual company when you are one of those people with thousands of friends that you do not know.

6.If you are at or are going to a private function, do not announce it or the details of the function on Facebook if you wouldn’t want someone to coincidentally show up at said function.

7.Be mindful of posting about how much you love someone, some people on your friends list could be miserable or haters.

8.Do not continuously invite people to join your page if they have rejected the request.

9.Use the Hide feature to hide any status messages that are particularly obnoxious.

See Above - #2

10.Do not lie about your relationship status and be as transparent as possible with your page. If you are having to hide this or that from particular people, rethink your transparency and/or if that person should be on your list.

11.If you post foolishness on someone's page, don't take it personally when they delete it.

12. If you comment on someone else's post KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! There may be a PRIVATE JOKE or something going on that you are not privy too.

12b. DO NOT comment with crass or off-colored language on ANOTHER PERSON'S POST. It's immature and classless (is that a word?), and I will delete any "friend" who does it from here on in.

13. If you are gonna STEAL someone's status message/witty saying pls. note your source. Better yet, ASK FIRST before you go posting someone elses stuff. I have this problem quite often on FB and Twitter.

14. Once again, FACEBOOK IS NOT eHARMONY, MATCH.COM, OR BLACKPEOPLEMEET! Don't peruse your friend's pages for perspective dates and booty calls, that's tacky and shows that you have NO GAME!

15. If you have a heavy discussion or something important to tell a friend or relative INBOX them or have a code word. Do not post personal things on your friend's page for the world to see. Two of my sisters and I use this message method quite often.

16. If you're someone's mother, do not post pictures of you in your bra, panties, bra and panties, or being semi-nude on Twitter.

17. Fights on Twitter over men and women you've never met in-person are so Junior High School.

18. I can't stress this enough. Keep your personal issues with family, friends, and fuck buddies private. #notagoodlook  e.g.  Just because I didn't make it to your party is no one's business. It looks petty and childish trying to air-out a person in that manner -- especially if you're 40 and above.

19. Just because you see someone online (FB, Yahoo, Gtalk) doesn't mean they are available or want to talk to YOU. So don't be offended when your IM's are being ignored because you randomly decided to IM the person.

20. Be cautious when tagging people in PICTURES. In the case of vintage pictures, the person's past may be painful, or they may be ashamed of who they were. As far as outings (lounges, parties, gatherings), baby girl or dude may be creeping, running from child support, or somewhere they shouldn't be with someone they should NOT be with ... doing something that they should be doing! 

21.Stop Page Hustling! Just because two people are friendly and have pets names does not mean they are fucking, dating, or watching porn together. Mind your business. Get some business of your own. 

Note: This is a working document so more will be added as necessary and thought of. Feel free to add any you'd like! Cheers!!

Random Rant: You know, I'm sick of these bootleg, broke-down, bust-down ass adults. Here's why you can't be nice to Negroes: Yesterday, I sent a good friend ( I THOUGHT she was a good friend) a nice message saying hello and checking on the family. She told me that she was having problems with her son and his baby mama, so me being me sent some love. Do you know that this Betty replied with some sarcastic, condescending, ghetto-ass retort? *smdh* Since I carry a certain person's gene I could have eviscerated her verbally, but I laughed it off and gave her a "whatever". I can't let clowns and negative-thinkers get me off of my square, friends -- not with their bitchassness. KNOWLEDGE is my Kung-Fu and it is STRONG!

Well, that's all I have for today, my friends. Stay Groovy!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist