Sunday, March 13, 2011

So I Didn't Go To Church Today (Random Thoughts and YOUR EMAILS)

So I'm laying around, jamming to Tony, Toni, Toni's classic cut "The Blues" and other classic '90s Jams, while reflecting upon my weekend (which was a mixed-bag to say the least). All I can say is that the good outweighed the not-so-good, but I'm still not pleased that I missed-out on a potentially red-hot "outing" behind some foolishness. But given the usual suspect's history I shouldn't be surprised in the least. I told myself that I wouldn't be suckered into dummy missions on New Years so I have no one to blame but myself -- but that's enough of THAT fuckery. Well, I'm looking at my Gmail inbox and became disgusted at the amount unanswered emails from you guys, lounging around, giving me The Gasface ... I'm actually TWO MONTHS behind!! WTF? All I can say is "MY BAD, DOG!" Things get away from ALL of us from time-to-time. And since this blog doesn't fund my insatiable desire for Chipotle's, Puma Track Jackets, Curvy Red-Heads, and Coconut Ciroc it hasn't been high on my list of priorities in the past 45 days. Hey, I'm just "keeping it 100" as the young peeps say.  

Random Rant: My girl, Hannah, just peeped me to some despicable game circulating through the black community. We were briefly discussing Mail Order Brides and I was telling her, in the limited research I've done on the subject *wink-wink*, that black men are usually limited to the Asian Market (usually Thai and South Korean) because the brides from the Eastern European/Slavic Countries simply refuse to marry a Negro. :-O Whoa! Kanye wasn't crazy when he said "Even if you in a Benz you still a nigga in a coupe" *laughing*  Anyway, after I dropped that on my home girl she proceeded to tell me that a lot of well-to-due Negroes here in The U.S. (especially in Tha ATL) are hitting-up Brasil, The Dominican Republic, and other  exotic points south and creating ENTIRE FAMILIES ... WHILE HAVING A FAMILY HERE AT HOME IN THE STATES! She said, "Kristien, it seems that it doesn't take a lot to fund a family down there" :-/ I haven't done any research of my own on this fuckery but I will keep you posted in future installments. BUT if there is any validity to this bullshit you Negroes ought to be prosecuted in U.S. Federal Immigration Courts. I'm not gonna dig into this any further as I want to write with facts not hearsay, but you Negroes should be on the lookout because I'm already formulating paragraphs in my mind. 

Okay, with no further adieu, here are your letters. I actually replied personally to you guys to let you know that I'm dropping this today and that I'm not gonna use your REAL NAMES! *laughing* I have a couple of wild ones for you this week, friends, so hold tight! 

Disclaimer: As always, I'm by no means a therapist, my responses and advice are based on my own meandering experience.  

The Wandering Eye

Hey Kris,

I’ve always been worried by the fact that even if a girl has high interest level in you, she can still desire other men. I’ve had girlfriends who planned on marrying me but admitted to talking to or flirting with guys they found attractive.

It Seemed Rock-Solid

The most recent example is Krystal. She’s a cute girl but isn’t hot. I introduced myself after seeing her glance at me on the train a couple of times. After four dates, she announced that she loved me. I did not return the “I love you,” which is fine with her. Her eyes light up whenever she sees me, she cooks for me and she gives me massages. I trust her for the most part because unlike previous ex-girlfriends, she doesn’t actively go to clubs and bars to meet new men. She always lets me know of her activities.

We’ve dated for approximately seven months, and she plans on marrying me in three years when I’m done with graduate school. But it really bugs me that I always catch her glancing or staring at other guys (especially shirtless guys in the summer). How can I take her or any girl seriously when they still have physical desires for other men, even when we’re at the peak of our relationship and are extremely happy?

Do All Eyes Wander?

Once, at a restaurant, she stared at a guy sitting behind me for five minutes, which really ticked me off. She worked on it and didn’t do it for a while, but soon resumed her habit. Should I accept that humans have multiple desires, or should I get rid of Krystal? Some girls are not to be trusted, but my intuition tells me she is deeply attached to and in love with me. And I am aware that there are lots of girls in happy relationships and marriages who flirt for attention or confirmation of their attractiveness.

The reason that this is an issue is because I know that if Krystal looks at an attractive, confident guy, he might approach her, and something might happen. If I marry her, that could be a relationship break. Should I accept her wandering eye, or move on?

Chandler - who has his doubts

The Hedonist's Response:

Hi Chandler,

Let me correct you on something straight out of the gate. If a woman has high Interest Level in you, she cannot desire other men. A clinically sane woman does not want other men if she’s in love with you. Period. The reason your ex-girlfriends flirted with other guys was because they weren’t in love with you.

Should Chandler break it off...

My team until I die! ;-)

Face The Facts

Now, let me get this straight. After only four dates, Krystal declared that she was in love with you? Now think about this logically, playboy. How is that possible? Like my cousin Black Mark from Simple City says: “Nah, Dawg!” And like the great Doctor Freud once said: “A woman who says she loves you after four dates has a screw loose.” And this is the key to why she’s looking at all these other men. That said, you were smart to not return the “I love you.” It shows that you have some common sense and that you’re learning a little something.

You don’t really trust Krystal, Chandler. To you psych majors, you can’t trust any woman until after six months -- and only then if there are no red flags. A woman has to earn your trust. You can’t toss trust out like a used tissue. On the other hand, it’s good that Krystal is open with you and lets you know about her activities.

In The Eye Of The Beholder

Krystal’s incessant gawking at half-naked guys with six-pack abs indicates that you have a massive problem. If this broad is in love with you why is she salivating over other guys at all? Let me explain something to you, my friend. When a woman’s Interest Level in you is through the roof, you’re the most handsome guy on the face of the planet. Just ask Ringo Starr and Keith Richards. Even those muscle-bound guys in Speedos at the beach can’t compete with you!

And let me explain something else to you. You’re the only one who’s extremely happy. You’re the one who’s at the peak of the relationship; she’ s in the valley of it. That’s why she can’t keep her eyes off other men in various states of undress.

Your Future Together Is Crystal Clear

Krystal only stared at that fellow in the restaurant for five minutes? That’s nothing! You’re an uptight guy, Chandler! Your problem is that you’re too jealous and possessive. But seriously, of course you were ticked off that she dissed you. Who wouldn’t be? And when she resumed her habit of staring at other guys after you called her on it, that’s when you should have said, “Adios, Krystal!”

Girls don’t have multiple desires when they’re in love with someone. So you have to get rid of Krystal now. Your intuition isn’t telling you that Krystal is in love with you; it’s your big ego that’s whispering in your ear. And like the bible says: “A man’s ego is the devil.”

The guys married to wenches who can’t stop flirting because they need confirmation of their attractiveness are miserable. Think about it, Chandler. Is that the way you want to live for the next 40 years? Because her habit is only going to get worse.

Protect Yourself

Even if something never happens between Krystal and another guy, why does she need the attention of complete strangers? The only way you’re never going to get burned by Krystal is if you dump her. Forget about marrying her -- this girl gets an “F” in  loyalty and trust, AND an “F” as in the middle finger!

Remember, guys: If she doesn’t have eyes only for you, tell her to bounce!

I LOVE the chick from Sugarland!

Try this on for size

Dear Hedonist,

I just finished reading one of your blogs (my auntie reads, i guess, cause it’s saved in her bookmarks) and I have to say that I was impressed, so I was hoping maybe you could help me with my problem. You see, I am currently 16-years-old and turning 17 in three months. My problem is that I'm worried that I might have a small penis. Can you please tell me how big it's supposed to be at my current age? Is it normal for it to be the size that it currently is? What natural things can I do to make it bigger? My penis is about one-inch long when it is sleeping and about two-and-a–half inches when I'm hard. I have masturbated since I was about 12-years-old. When I first started, I would masturbate three times a day, but I don’t do that much anymore.

Please help me; I need your advice about my small penis.

J., Denmark

The Hedonist's Response:
J., I don't think at 16 you should be reading my blog given the language and content. I would also suggest more studying and less masturbating. Real Talk. Let me first say that all the worrying in the world isn’t going to help your penis. Worry is the least helpful thing with sex as it creates anxiety, challenges confidence and creates self-doubt. Penis size isn’t the answer to all your sexual problems. It will serve you better to learn sex and pleasure techniques as well as relationship and communication skills -- AFTER you turn 18 of course. Most studies estimate the average penis size for an adult male to be around six inches and the average varies slightly higher or lower depending race.

There aren’t any medically supported ways to increase penis size, so save your money on the penis slings, splints, pills, creams, and injections. Yes, people actually do all of that to their penis in hopes of changing its size. Women prefer all sizes of penises. Think of that bell-shaped curve from your high school math class and you’ll realize that most women want average size, some want above average size, some want below average size. You’ll find women who won’t date you because of your size and others who won’t care. The tough part is searching through the dating scene to find the right women.

On a side note, I’ve met three women this past winter with self-described tight vaginas, and each said they prefer a partners fingers or a penis less than four inches to the pain of an average- or above average-sized penis ... go figure. Where and how i met these women isn't important, J., but it's a true story, and a testament that everything isn't for everybody.

Learn to love yourself (no pun intended), stay positive, be confident, and search for someone with like-minded interests. Also, there’s no connection between masturbation and penis size, so give yourself a guilt-free sausage tug whenever the mood strikes you. But, after reading my response, this issue is bugging you, I would suggest you email the singer Marc Anthony. He's married to Jennifer Lopez and has a set of twins with her -- and I KNOW he can't be filling all that ass up. Hell, he's only 5'4 and 125lbs., he may have some tips for you! ;-)

The more the merrier.

Hi Kris,

A buddy of mine from work went out drinking with me and my friends, and he got a little tipsy and told us he’s in a relationship with a couple of women. They knew about it, and even lived together. He said it wasn’t like people that are Mormons that have more than one wife. It was kind of creepy to hear, since I’m married, but he seems like a regular guy -- actually pretty nice. Not sure what to think here. What do you think and what is this?

Greg, Oklahoma

The Hedonist's Response:
Sounds like your friend is in a polyamorous relationship. Polyamory is basically having consensual, loving, intimate relationships with more than one person (multiple intimate relationships). With all the different terms like polyandry, polygyny, polygamy, polyfidelity, group marriage, and others that describe specific loving relationships among people, it can get confusing. But having all these terms means people are involved in a lot more than we’re socialized to think. In our culture, monogamy is most common, and these other multiple-partner relationships seem scary because we don’t understand them or see them every day.

It’s common to fear what we don’t know and place judgment based on that fear. But why is it so hard to imagine loving multiple people at the same time? Many people have a hard time loving one person, yet your work friend can love two. Maybe he has an amazingly unique capacity to love that few have. The important and sometimes hardest thing is to respect the choices and desires of others when they differ from yours. What’s interesting to me is one of the most common male fantasies is sex with two women at the same time. Why can’t the fantasy continue for longer than a sexual encounter and be long-term relationships? Some people are monogamous and some aren’t; who are we to judge? As a serial monogamist myself, my fantasy woman is Gisele Bundchen. My new polyamorous fantasy is Gisele, Lucy Liu and Angelina Jolie. Looking at that last sentence, with me being a hedonist, polyamory doesn’t seem so bad, does it? ;-P :-D :-* <3

Well, i'm somewhat fatigued presently so I'm going to jump off, grab me some food and libations, and take to my bed. You guys enjoy your Manic Monday and be safe out there, okay? If you have any questions, suggestions, objections, or just wanna say hi, hit me up via email, Twitter, of Facebook. Be Peace, Stay Groovy, and God Bless!

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist