Friday, February 11, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies - DON'T YOU GO FOR THAT GIRL!

I'm baaaaaack! Friends, I know you notice the Steve Harvey flick, and I am sure that you've heard about the latest drama that surrounds him and wife SECOND wife. I have a lot of thoughts on the old boy Steve but I will reserve judgement until all of the facts are dropped and the smoke clears. People say about Ole' Steve, "How the hell is he gonna give relationship advice and he's on this third wife?" That's just it, he's on his third wife, Steve has enough "Train-wreck Stories" for THREE MARRIAGES so why not share them with the world? Why not allow others to learn from your incompetence as far sustaining a healthy, faithful, and MONOGAMOUS relationship. But I will leave Steve alone for the time being.

Random Rant: So I have someone who's taken at least 30mins., out of their already useless and pathetic life to go through my ENTIRE BLOG CATALOG and check the "Shitty" Box on each one of my postings. *laughing* 1) Men don't do sh*t like that, so I know it isn't a dude. 2) I know I write good sh*t so this doesn't hurt. LOTS of folk tell me I write good shit from all over the country. 3) This is completely childish behavior. It's akin to pushing every button on the elevator then running off.

*laughing* You're a coward as I know who you are, LOSER! You should really do something with your life like take some online classes; get off of your fat ass and walk around the neighborhood; find someone who'll beat that stakin' thang up; or, simply, go out and get yourself a life. By the way, I DO know WHO you are, Loser ... there's FREE software for loser like YOU. Two paragraphs is enough for you. Be Gone! 

So I'm talking to my man Damien and the subject of Valentine's Day comes around which went a little something like this: 
"Yeah, Dee, what are you and your Honey gonna do on Monday? "
" *Damien laughing*  Dawg, I don't do fucking Valentine's Day ... haven't done it since me and my wife separated. Shiiiiiiit! Valentine's Day is 'Pay Myself Day' based on the money I save not treating a Hoe to food and chocolate."
"Wow! *laughing* So what did your girl say about that? She was cool with that excuse!"
"Dawg, I just told her that I had patients to see throughout the day so I will be busy, and I let her know that Valentine's Day is every day for us." 
"Wow! *laughing*"

Now you know, ladies, that Dee is off on Mondays, right? Yeah, it's not coolest thing for him to do nor is it the biggest lie he's ever told a broad ... I think. 
Nevertheless, the point I'm making is that it's a lie all the same and you ladies actually go for BS Stories like the above. I know that ultimately Dee will pay the price for his mocha lie but the chick should be ashamed for going for it in the first place. 
So, to the chagrin of all the fellas and the enlightenment of the ladies (not just the red-headed curvy numbers) I offer you The Hedonist's "Don't 'Chu Go For That, Girl" List. Peruse and Enjoy!

1. "I'll call you."

It isn't hard to make a phone call. At least it wasn't before text messaging replaced actual conversation and relationships were catapulted from social networking sites and Instant Messaging conversations. Yet somehow it seems easier for men to end a conversation with, "I'll call you later" or "I'll call you right back" instead of being honest and saying, "I will try to call. I might even think about it, but I most likely won't because my attention span is akin to a golden retriever's."

2. "My phone was dead/off/on silent."

Most of the lies men tell are directly linked to wrongdoing. READ: CHEATING. When a man says his phone is off, it usually means he was getting off...with someone other than you.

3. "Just the tip..."

Men want sex. It's their endgame. It's all that matters. If a guy tells you anything along the lines of, "We're just going to sleep," or "I just wanna talk," or even better, "We're just gonna lay here with our clothes off and rub up against each other for fun's sake," he's lying. This has been battle-tested since 9th Grade for ME and it has worked 98% of the time. A dude tells you this one you might as well reach into the night stand for a Magnum (Get at me ladies!).

4. "I've been busy."

We all know when we're getting written off. The truth of the matter is that people make time for the things they want to make time for. Yes, it can be a crazy week. Sure, he could be inundated with deadlines and meetings. Of course, his pet parakeet, Arthur, could have dropped dead and he's been busy making funeral arrangements, but it's more likely he isn't that busy at all. Just too busy to be bothered with making time for you.

5. Height

Similar to women giving or taking a solid six pounds from their weight, men seem to enjoy adding a few inches to their height. Ludicrous, because it's just so obvious. Right up there with toupees, Just For Men, and Rogaine. Have you ever listened to a 5'9 man state with much bravado that he is 6'? No, he is not. Four inches makes an ENORMOUS difference. Which leads us to...

6. "Size doesn't matter."

Please do not even bother with this one, ladies. It does. And if he's running around telling this little tale, I'm going to guess you know the itty, bitty truth.

7. "...This isn't what it looks like."

Women have eyes and most of them can see quite well, so when you walk in on a potentially bad situation and you get fed with "This isn't what it looks like," he is not only lying to you, but trying to convince you that your own eyes are liars as well. This will most likely piss you off even further. When it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and shits all over your shoes, well, you know what it is.

8. Number of sexual partners

Men think chicks win this lie war, but men are the kings of half-truths when it comes to bedpost notches. Men usually forget the number of women they've actually slept with, so instead of getting a solid 41, they give you a nice, rounded 50. It also does wonders for the ego.

9. "I love you."

Sad, but true. Some say women use sex to get love, while men use love to get sex. Men are incredibly simple creatures and one of their basic fundamentals for survival is getting laid. In fact, most of their daily activities contribute to the ultimate goal of getting laid, so uttering those three little words, while excessive and extreme, gets the job done... easily.

10. "It isn't you, it's me."

It isn't him. It's you.


Worth Mentioning (Honorably, of course):

11. "I'm single." 

Men somehow forget when they're single, so instead they just lie. "She's not my girlfriend"; "we aren't exclusive"; "I'm married, but we're unhappy or separated (but living in the same house...)". These are all some personal favorites.

12. "You look good in that outfit." (aka "you don't look fat")

This one is a bit of a freebie, as guys have little choice in the matter. One of the first life lessons young boys are taught is to always say a woman looks good in whatever she has on when prompted. Who cares if she's wearing a dead swan wrapped around her body? When she says, "honey, does this look okay?" it is a man's job to lie, lie, and lie some more by simply saying, "Yep."

13. "I will not think differently of you, if you..."

Double standards are an absolute killer. Don't fall for it. We will absolutely think differently of you... and will probably have the video (Yeah, baby!!! *Austin Powers voice) as proof.

They say honesty is the best policy, but somehow, that memo didn't quite reach the male species. Men love to claim that women are the best liars around, but most men simply don't tell the truth; at least, not the whole truth. They just get better at lying. Or at least they think they do.

That's all I have for now. I'm about to tread out and have cop this NEW Android Phone that's not even dropping for another two weeks ... to the general consumer but I know a guy. ;-) In addition, I think Sissy and Momma Mia wanna have a drink or two. My New York excursion has been postponed due to bad timing so I'm gonna try to catch one of my oldest and dearest friends who visiting from, WAIT FOR IT, NYC! 

Lastly, sorry for dropping the blog without ample pics, friends. Blogger was acting really shitty and wouldn't allow me to insert and images without screwing around with my formatting. I think I will try Wordpress next time. My girl  @SassyMcKnockers Wordpress and she's delighted. 

Enjoy your weekend and Valentine's Day. God Bless, Be Peace, and Stay Groovy! 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist