Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies - Why buy the cow?

Friends, timing is everything, and don't allow anyone tell you anything different -- Good and bad timing alike. Audi had a winter clearance sale, and my buddy's tax refund was hefty. Do you know that he got an A8 Limited at 8k off of retail? That's a case of good timing. On the other hand, while in seventh grade, I was told to join the Concert Band in junior high school. I procrastinated for the entire week of sign-ups, went on the last day, and ended up with the tuba ... bad timing although I became a guru in all things bass clef. I offer these two examples of good and bad timing as illustrations of how timing can alter one's course in life. My man is getting more tail than Charlie Sheen at a porn convention these days due to really good timing. While, Pee-Wee Herman nearly tanked his career due to really bad timing and a very observant theater employee. Sharon asks me all of the time, "Why haven't you settled down and gotten married, Kris?", and the only thing I can tell her is that the timing isn't there (compounded with the lack of quality applicants and marriage just may be a failed institution in Western Culture). Earlier today I was asked by a dear, distant friend --who's also an incredible woman and single mommy-- why us fellas run from the idea of "committing"? Now "committing" is a subjective word but we are going to look at it in terms of the institution of marriage. 
  No matter your age, fellas, you have likely been in a relationship where your sweetie brought up the “C” word or marriage before you did. Shit may have been going smoothly, up until that conversation came up. Sometimes it makes us squirm, other times (most times) it makes us lie. There are even other occasions when it winds up being "the talk" that ends the relationship. No matter what scenario, one thing is certain: There are reasons some of us hate to commit.




A huge reason we don't commit, ladies... a lady on the side i.e. Our JUMP-OFF! ;)


Is She Ms Right or Ms Right Now?
For one reason or another, we don’t have that gut feeling that the broad we are dealing with at the moment is “Ms. Right.” The “Ms. Right Now” tag is a hard one to shake unless there are some true revelations that a brotha can feel confident in. 

Birds of a Feather Flock Together. (Ladies)
One way to tell if he is truly ready to settle down is to look at who is in his close circle of friends. Is he still surrounding his self with fellas that are single, or perhaps “single-minded” ? Do does he do the same things now seeing you as he did when he was single?

Sex keeps you coming back.
If you can answer yes to the following question honestly, then this one doesn’t apply to you.
“IF me and my girl never had sex for the rest of the year, I would still love her as much as I do now.” ...hard one, huh? And I mean WITHOUT getting any booty from the Jump-off. Yeah ... that's what I thought.

Full Court Pressure.
There is nothing worse than dealing with a woman who is putting on a full court press that resembles the Pistons defense back in the day. For some reason, there are some women that think putting pressure or an ultimatum on a man is the answer to get what they want. Usually all that does is speed up their relationship status changing on Facebook to single. No, bullshit...

Priorities Don’t Match Up.
Depending on where both of you are in your lives, you may not be as good of a “match” as you both think. 
Perhaps your lady has kids, in which they will always be first and foremost in her life. She may be in grad school pursuing her dream of being a doctor/lawyer etc, and thus doesn’t have the time you may need. On the flip side, you may be an aspiring businessman starting your dream and putting in 70 hours a week. It takes a patient, strong woman to deal with that too.

You still have a roster. ;-D
This is another gut check that only you can truly answer. If you are dating a woman, and she is ready to make things serious, yet you still have three or four other dimes in your rotation, it will be tough to make that choice and cut the rest off, if again you aren’t sure she is “the one”.

 He just isn't ready. (Ladies)
This one usually takes the cake, and encompasses various reasons. He may not be in a place emotionally to invest energy into another relationship. Financially, he also may be trying to get his self to a point where he feels comfortable involving someone else in his life.

The time, energy, and selflessness needed to make a relationship work cannot be taken for granted. There are times(often) when a woman is ready to commit, or take a relationship to the next level faster than a man. In those cases, how he handles that interaction with you will be key to how the relationship goes from there.

Let me explain that the above list doesn't offer "blanket coverage" because all situations are different. Example: What if you are in a relationship for a decade (off and on) and the guy refuses to commit. From a man's point of view this is fuckery and should be nipped in the bud asap. If a guy says he isn't comfortable, ready, or is uneasy with the idea of committing after a decade he is: 

1) A user - **In my Compton She'Quinta - Monay voice** Honey, you're giving him all of that good booty and sloppy blow jobs every night, and all of that good shower lovin'? In addition, to loaning his ass money when he's broke, cooking food when he's hungry all these years, and he still doesn't want to walk down the isle? Chile please! Minus the sex you're nothing but his sister or auntie. 

2) Has another woman i.e. A Jump-off - I know will have be investigated and have my Playa Card suspended until June but f*^k it here it is: Ladies, most single, successful, handsome guys can't go six-months without rotating his booty calls let alone a decade. A man is only as faithful as his options and if he has options he's gonna cheat after a decade (and throughout) -- I don't care how good your cowgirl is; if you make the best Kool-Aid since Good Times; you have brought the fool every iPhone since 2005, or you've given him a kidney. Men get bored. In addition, there's no consequences if he steps out ... there isn't any ring on his finger. No alimony to pay. Nada. Zip. Zero. Nothing. So you think he isn't banging some curvy chick on the side? **In my Uniqua-Chamore from Chicago Voice** Chile please. This is coming from one of D.C.'s Best and the SON of D.C.'s GREATEST PLAYER "Smitty" . 

3) He's comfortable and doesn't want the "burden" i.e. responsibility - Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free? That's how men think as a whole. He may love you and buy you and your kids nice things. He knows Sissy, Auntie, Pops, and Moms, but marriage is a LEGAL and, for some, a spiritual commitment with a higher power. Why go through all of that then you're playing house and getting all of that good loving (making babies) without paperwork? That's foolish. There's a song by Loose Ends called "Don't Be A Fool" ... Chile, please, you better listen, take heed, and keep it movin'! **In my NeNe from RHWOA voice** 

The Hedonist is saying this to say this:  if you're submerged in such a long state of madness my advice would be to cut your losses, give yourself a year to heal (that means no booty calls or flings), and move-on with your life. You deserved to be loved, adored, and happy. If a cat isn't willing to seal the deal after a decade it won't happen. Trust me on this one. In addition, know that you haven't done ANYTHING wrong; because if you HAD wronged him HE would have left YOU. Trust.  


Well, that's all I have for now. Actually, this was somewhat of an emergency blog for a good friend, mother, and overall cool cat. Keep your head up and somebody loves you, Cutie! ;O) 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

www.twitter.com/just_kristien