Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Friends and Fuck Buddies (The Precursor Entry) - Everything she wants

The BEST thing about the Redskins...The CHEERLEADERS!

Four days into the New Year and what a year it's has already been. By the way, Happy New Year, Gang!  ;O) So I am only barely awake and hear, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?! ...WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL IN THE FUCKING HOUSE. YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T GO TO SCHOOL?!?" This is after my sister damn near kicked one of the bedroom doors off of it's hinges. Seems she was coming in from running some early-morning errands, glanced over her shoulders while walking to her bedroom, and notice some movement under a blanket through the cracked door. It was my nephew who decided NOT to go to school after playing CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS on Xbox until 3:30am. Maaaan, this woman's mouth is so loud, abrasive, and unsettling when she's angry you physically feel it -- it's an experience one NEVER becomes immune to. No bullshit. She didn't whip his ass (like I WOULD HAVE) but I wouldn't want to be him. Fourth day of the year and this little chump is cutting classes. *smh* 

The ULTIMATE cougar. SEKA!!!

NEW YEARS DAY I get correspondence from a friend concerning another friend's husband. I know that you're thinking... believe me I know. Anyway, it's somewhat of a long story, the details are many and sordid, and I'm too lazy to go into it. Nevertheless, both ladies were mature and things worked out very well. Now anyone who knows me know that I am big on communication and I am having a problem with a couple of friends. One is moody, scorned, and cynical but the other is just slick (which I picked-up on in early May but that's another story concerning some cash...she thought I was a sucker) and a groupie of sorts -- she SAYS she's one way but is the total opposite(one of those Pseudo-Christians/Good Girls but she's really a Ho'). At least the former women is upfront with WHAT she does and who she does it with. The latter should be in Bishop Eddie Long's Church. I just caught her in a "Scheduling-LIE" today on BIG BROTHER Facebook. Be careful what you post to other's statuses. Moving on, my thing is a closed mouth never gets fed. If you have a problem with something I say or do bring it to the table so we can converse and discuss resolution options. Don't ignore me or fall out of site if you're vexed about something.  

Goatee or No Goatee?

Another thing: DON'T LOOK AT MY FACEBOOK OR TWITTER AND ASSUME SHIT! Number one, that's called "Tree-Boxing" or "Page Hustling", and it's immature, unbecoming of an adult, and fucking annoying. You wouldn't believe how many texts, phone calls, and emails I've gotten in the past year asking "Who is she?" or "Are you guys fucking" or "Was that meant for ME?"  Just because someone leaves something sweet or thoughtful on my wall or Tweets it to me doesn't mean I'm getting a blow job from the chick. I have MANY female friends that are JUST FRIENDS... get your mind out of the sewer, okay? Besides, it's my wall, they're my friends, and it's no one's business but mine.

Several of my boys have asked me how do I pull this off, being just friends with a chick. Simple ... JUST be friends. I know that a lot of you are getting to that stage in your life when all of your boyz gradually start to partner up, pop the question and enter a life of ball-and-chain bliss (or madness). As much as you may make fun of them, it's hard to ignore the sting that often comes from being the only one in your group of friends who's alone. This might lead you to think that your longtime female friend represents an intriguing solution to your loneliness -- but considering her as possible girlfriend/wife material is all sorts of wrong. You need to discover why this could be the worst idea you’ve ever had. Understand, we’re referring to the friend you see and talk to often, not the chick from college you run into after years of not speaking; she is definitely an option.

You Know Each Other Too Well

You know that exciting first stage of dating when every fact a girl shares about herself seems like a clue to the overall mystery that is her -- and you're like a modern-day Indiana Jones? This stage doesn't last forever, nor is it the most crucial element in a relationship, but that doesn't mean it's not important in its own right. In an age where all our personal information is splattered all over Facebook, Twitter and whatever other social network is in vogue, mystery is highly underrated. In fact, it's been proven that a lack of mystery creates problems for men in the beginning of relationships... no bullshit, much more than for women. Do you think there's going to be much mystery to the chick who vomited all over your shoes one drunken night or told you all about her first pregnancy scare? Probably not, Playa-Pimp.

There’s No Honeymoon Phase

When you first start dating someone, you’re either playing games or trying to impress her. That intoxicating feeling that causes girls to dress up in their best gear and causes you to pretend to like the same movies she does is a quintessential first step of most relationships. Somewhere in the midst of those little white lies, you learn an appreciation and tolerance for things that you would never enjoy in the company of a friend. You’re skipping right past this phase if you start dating a long-time friend by heading straight into the comfort zone -- a land of sweatpants Fridays and snippy comments about each other’s interests. Do not pass “Go” and do not collect $200.

Read on for more reasons why she's your homie, not your girlfriend.

Awkward Sex

If you’ve never thought about your friend in "that way" before, chances are the base physical attraction simply isn't there. And if it was never there before, you’ll find yourself forcing it to fit your newfound goal of making this girl your serious girlfriend -- which is bound to lead to some horribly awkward physical encounters. Your head might want to turn your friendship into something more -- but it doesn’t mean that your dick is going to agree with you... real talk.

The Potential For Settling

The question of “Am I settling?” comes into play in almost every serious relationship at one point or another. Most times you have to ignore it and realize it’s just a product of the “grass is always greener on the other side” human condition. But when you’re taking a longstanding friendship and hurtling it full-steam ahead into a relationship, the question of whether you just settled with the nearest and easiest possible option for a girlfriend is entirely valid and a tough doubt to deal with.

My girl Selah...my sister calls her Snookie!

The End Of Your damn Friendship

Whether your attempt at turning your platonic gal pal into a serious girlfriend lasts for a week or a year, the friendship you once had with her is over. Period. There’s no going back. You might lay down the ground rules before you enter into this experiment and swear that you’ll remain friends no matter what happens, but that’s just one of those comforting lies we tell ourselves -- like Santa Claus and soul mates. A healthy, platonic relationship with a member of the opposite sex is a rare thing -- and it will rapidly become extinct in your life if you choose to cross that line.

She's Your Friend, Keep It That Way

If you've managed to keep a healthy relationship with a female friend for a good amount of time, there's a reason why you aren't a couple. She might be fun and great to talk to, but chances are she's only becoming an option now because of the current state of your relationship affairs. Forcing a friendship into something more is usually doomed to fail, and worse, destined to ruin the previous bond you had. Females outnumber males in the world -- focus your sights on any one of the thousands you haven't met yet, and away from the one chick who knows you bawled like a baby every time your beloved sports team didn’t win the championship or at the end of Menace to Society. 

My father used to say "Kid, play now and suffer later!" ... listen to me: If you have a good girl on your team who's just a friend then keep it that way. If you commit the cardinal sin of fucking her or trying to wife her, YOU WILL be sorry later on down the road. 

Now this rule doesn't apply to a chick that you USED to bang and you evolved into "she's my good friend". I, personally, have many of those and, if she's open to the idea, you can always "try it again". Nor does it apply to the chick you met at the Stevie Wonder concert, never got around to screwing, and you became sorta good friends. Now if you REALLY WANT to turn your good friend into "Wifey" there's a way to do it and I will show you how tomorrow. ;-P

The temperamental Mrs. Claus!

I hope we all made it into the new year on a productive and positive note. Drop me line or Tweet, FB Note, or email if you disagree or if you're digging my blog. Stay Groovy and Be Peace! 

Your Old Pal,

The Hedonist

Random Rant: ...oh, fuck it, I can't spit it without revealing who I'm speaking about.