Sunday, December 12, 2010

So I Didn't Go To Church Today - A discussion on the Chicks

Well, as the title says, I didn't go to church today or anywhere else. Now is the time to that one should be cuddled-up with a nice curvy lady friend in her boy shorts (my favorite) or french cuts (my second favorite), in YOUR Washington Redskins jersey watching, Mr. and Mrs. Smith and having a glass of sauvignon blanc. For me this is not a reality because I don't have a curvy lady friend – at least not to lay-up with or send to the fridge in her boy shorts. I could lay here and front for you guys and holla “I got 99 problems but a b*tch ain't one”, which would be TRUE but lets face it, no one WANTS to be lonely? The only remedy for loneliness is to get out there and meet people. In other words you have to start dating.

Dating is on the rise. People date using Myspace, Facebook (which they SHOULDN'T), Twitter (WHICH THEY SHOULDN'T SMH), dating services, and online chatting sites. Well, not only is dating on the rise, but the divorce rate is quite high  as well, and there are many reasons for divorce. Hopefully,your own personality is not one of them. As I see it, the best way to avoid divorce is identify and avoid personality types that will lead to problems down the line, fellas … real talk.

 As much as these broads talk about trifling men and a lack of good men (you hear this much more outta black women for some reason), we aren't the cause of all of the problems that spring-up in relationships. Those same ladies that are spitting all of the negativity are the same ones that are lonely or contributing to their own relationship problems. It's time for me to clear the air. There seems to be this misconception, which suggests that men have lower standards when it comes to choosing a mate.

That couldn't be further from the truth.

In fact, men are a lot pickier than we lead you to believe. In an effort to prove this point, I've decided to share 
my personal list of women to love and lose. Make sure you pay close attention to these women. And if it sounds like I'm describing you, then that may explain why your last boyfriend told you he was going to church and never came back. So today we are gonna hold a mirror up to the ladies and let them see who they are. I've done some research and compiled a list of the ones that want to gravitate towards and the ones you should avoid like that crack-head auntie at the graduation cookout.

Now, as always, this isn't a list compiled on anything scientifically-based. Just a little investigating, vicarious learning, and my own meandering life-experience. Nothing I say is out of malice toward the female gender … really it isn't. But if you don't agree shoot me an email or Tweet and we can agree to disagree. Cool? Shouts to all of my sisters. Also Megs, Trouble Bear, Ameisha (my blessing), this one, that one, and them. Check it out...

She's the BOMB and a Blessing...
The Drama Queen:
Drama queen is a personality type developed by many women. These females believe that everything is either very bad or very good. Webster's definition of "drama queen" reads, " A person given to often excessively emotional performances or reactions." There is no in-between for these girls. Things are going great or things are going horribly, and when something goes wrong, look out. In terms of relationships, these types whine, nag, and pester all of the time. There's always something that needs to be said and worked on. Nothing is right. Furthermore, these women try all kinds of ways to get a man's attention. There's a crisis today, tomorrow, and the next day, and the woman is looking for someone to save her. A little trouble makes the man feel important and heroic if he can fix the situation, but too much distress will tire out even the most loyal of men. 

Ms. Woe-As-Me:
This one unfortunately is becoming all too common. I am sure I will receive some comments about this one. I don't care, the truth is the truth. This woman has been treated very badly by men. In fact, they usually have been severely physically and or emotionally abused for many years. What happens here is some women (Not All), play on their past miseries and abuse, to get a man to feel sorry for them and come and rescue them. Believe me, there are plenty of softhearted men out there that really fall for this big time. One of their thoughts is, "Well if she had it so bad with other men, I will seem like Prince Charming". Bad thought process here. Both are thinking dysfunctionally. A man does not want to fall in love with someone whose capacity for love is clouded by past horrors. Yes, I know you men like to fix things – Captain Save A Hoe. However, you CAN'T fix this, only she can. DO NOT under any circumstances get involved with someone who has NOT dealt with their past. I guarantee, no matter how wonderful you are, at the first sign of an argument, you WILL look like her past. 

The Wingwoman:
 This is the guys' girl, who's always been a part of your man crew. She drinks beer with the best of them and knows more about fantasy baseball than you could ever dream of. This is the girl who meets hot girls at the bars and introduces you to them with glowing recommendations. She may even shoulder the burden of shopping and brunching with your girlfriends. A warning: Don't even think about trying to sleep with your wingwoman. No, really, don't do it no matter how good she looks in boy shorts! You've been warned...

Ms. Power Trip:
This type of woman feels that she has something to prove and she usually has plenty to work with. She could have a master's degree, a law degree, and drive a blue Mercedes. Her family might have created Campbell  Soup. Her mate is fine with all of her accomplishments and assets as long as she doesn't flaunt them. He's calm as long as she does not talk down to him or disagree with him just to disagree. Hopefully, this woman does not upstage her mate in public on purpose. The only problem is that The Power Trip does all of these things. She makes use of every opportunity to prove herself to people, and she quickly makes her man upset and annoyed. For as long as I can remember, Ms. "Power Trip" has always worked hard to show the world she was capable of doing anything she set her mind to. And while the entire male population applauds her strength, we get kind of tired of her reminding us about it throughout the entire date. 

"I've got a good job."
"I don't need a man to do anything for me."
"I've always been independent."
"I'm going to write a book encouraging other women to be strong like me."

Honestly, we'd rather watch an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet starring Shaquille O'Neal and Ellen Degeneres than to sit through an entire evening of that. 

Your Girlfriends Best Friend: 
You have no idea how important it is to befriend your girl's bff. This is the girl who can make or break your relationship. Tread lightly at first and don't jump to conclusions. She's going to be skeptical of you because that's part of her job, but if her friend is happy, she'll want to like you. Contrary to popular belief, best friends won't get crazy jealous and hate you out of principle unless they're not a very good friend (or you're a lousy boyfriend). She has your girl's best interest at heart, so she'll be able to give you priceless insight. I'm dropping a jewel here, fellas, this can NEVER be overstated...

Ms. Read My Mind:
For some reason, Ms. "Read My Mind" expects her man to know exactly what she's thinking at all times. She then constantly tests him, using his responses to gauge his level of love. To any woman who believes this type of behavior is acceptable, I suggest you change your way of thinking. We have absolutely no interest in dealing with a woman who specializes in "The Guessing Game." I mean what type of position does that put us in sexual situations, fellas? You're sitting there thinking “Hmm, I'm trying to read her mind... does she swallow? Oh, well, here goes nothing!”

The Lesbian: 
All clich├ęs aside, being close to a gay female will give you incredible insight into female relationships. A lesbian is the female version of you with the advantage of knowing how females feel in  relationships. Not only does she know how to please a woman emotionally, but she has first hand knowledge into the physical gratification of women. Watch out though, the lesbian might be your friend, but she's your competition as well. And don't think about it, fellas – any talk about that threesome can turn disastrous down the line... for YOU!

Ms. Chatterbox:
I'm a firm believer that communication serves as the cornerstone for all serious relationships. So I encourage you to talk to your loved one...just not all the time. You see, the problem with Ms. "Chatterbox" is that she spends most of her time talking, and none of it listening. Before long, this type of woman grows even more annoying than that one drunk uncle who always tries to hit on your female friends. 

Ms. Cash Rules:
You got it! These women are also affectionately called "Gold Diggers". The only thing this woman is interested in is your wallet, and it better not be anything less than Ralph Lauren, or Gucci. When she looks deep into your eyes, don't be fooled, the only thing she sees is dollar signs. The only trip she wants to take with you, is to the bank. I guess if you're shallow, and care nothing about real love, she's the one for you. However, if you want a woman with real feelings, who loves who you are, and would stay with you even down the path to the poor house, avoid this woman at all costs. Give her a thrill, drop her at the nearest ATM machine, but then NEVER return!

Ms. Wicked Witch:
Ahh, your own personal trip to OZ with wicked witch and all. I have to say, I truly have compassion in my heart for any man that chooses this type of woman. NO matter what you do guys, NOTHING will ever be right. She  will always tell you how you could have done it better. Of course better means, her way. She constantly complains, or should I say screams at a decibel level high enough to make anyone deaf. She demeans, argues, whines, and creates a home that is like a living hell. If you're into S & M, bondage, or just plain being treated badly, she's your everything. Always remember, people hate change, she will NEVER change. If you want a peaceful, happy, loving relationship, send this one back to OZ!

Ms. My Name Is Wendy:
I know your saying, what? Several years ago a book was written called the "Wendy Dilemma". It used the characters in Peter Pan to describe personalities of certain kinds of men and women. Well, Wendy was the all mothering type. Now, a lot of men tend to confuse this with a loving, caring, maternal type woman. What I mean here is; Do you really want to be married to your mother? In the beginning men absolutely adore this type of woman. She cooks, she cleans, waits on him hand and foot. Unfortunately, just a short trip down the road, she starts mothering him. So, what ends up happening? The romantic, exciting sex life you once had before she turned into "MOM" is a long lost memory. If you would rather be mothered, and don't care about a great sex life, she's your girl. On the other hand, if you still want to be a vibrant, sexually charged man, leave this woman to the "Peter Pans" who really need her. 

Ms. Then and Now: 
This type was sweet when she first met her mate. She was sexy all of the time and wore cute little clothes. Her makeup was always done, and she spoke very softly. However, that was then. This is now. Now she wears rollers and a do rag to bed. "Don't mess up my hair!" she yells as her mate tries to get her into his favorite position. Then and Now Girl frowns at her mate, purses her lips, and shakes her head. Her curves are starting to fill out. Before, she was none of the above personality types. Now she is all three on any given day. Her mate arrives home from work and instead of feeling like he is embracing his hot mama, he feels that he has met the new maid. This woman should not have started off trying to be superwoman at first to only later become who she really was. Such a dramatic change creates a loss of trust. He thought he knew her back then. Now, he doesn't know what is going on.

Ms. No One Else:
Ms. "No One Else" wants all of your free time...every single second of it. As soon as the two of you get close, she stops talking to all of her friends and expects you to do the same. Some men may agree to this arrangement reluctantly, but they'll soon end up more unhappy than R. Kelly at a Grown and Sexy cocktail mixer. 

Ms. Stick In The Mud:
This woman never seems to have any fun...ever. In all honesty, it seems like her idea of a good time is a quiet evening at home reading the encyclopedia while eating a Lean Cuisine. On top of that, she doesn't know how to give or take a joke, since she takes herself way too seriously. Will you relax...please? 

The Nurturer: 
This is the girl who always has a place set for you at Thanksgiving dinner, can't help but clean your apartment when she's visiting you, and will gladly pick you up at 4 in the morning after you've had too much to drink. She's also the one who most likely wants you to settle down, but also knows how picky you are, so she'll set you up with only her very best girlfriends.

There you have it, the women most often to be avoided and the ones you need to be getting with. If you already have one, of the losers, my sympathies. Why you ask? Because you are missing out on a lot of exciting, independent, fun loving, Ladies with minimal problems and greater upside. I haven't a PhD in Sex Therapy nor am I a Licensed Relationship Counselor but I have made enough mistakes in my 30 plus years to help you avoid making the same ones. In addition, this list is for DATING PURPOSES ONLY and not finding a wife. You say why I don't I have a curvy lady in boy shorts bringing me a Sam Adams and Turkey Sandwich? Well, 1) I didn't follow the list in the first place early on, 2) I'm in no rush to share my wine and Lamb Chops, 3) I'm a bit of a playboy and I haven't found the right one or the ones I'm after seem to go for the losers. The ones that don't take them out but like the movie dates at her house, or have an amalgamation of legal issues … my real ladies you know the type. Anywho, kick the list around, re-post the list, and discuss with your girls... I don't really care. If you have any feedback email, shoot me a Tweet, or hit my Facebook Page. Enjoy your upcoming work-week, God Bless, and Stay Groovy! ;O)

All the Best,

The Hedonist