Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Hedonist's (and The Great Gazoo's) Dating Requiem – (Part I : You're Not Wifey Material When...)








So The Hedonist has been in an excellent mood over the past few days. Vivid and wonderful dreams have made the nights more comfortable. Engaging, witty, dynamic, and thought-provoking phone conversations look like they're gonna be a normal and consistent thing. Saturday afternoon trips to Tyson's and Anne Arundel Mills, and Sunday brunches at Ben's and Mad Hatter's are always better with two and JUST us two. “Hold up, Hedonist Baby! Aren't we jumping the gun here? You KNOW know how you quickly tire of monotony, dull-wit, and overall dating fuckery.” See, there you go, Great Gazoo... blowing my natural high. I'm listening all this good music: Zap Mama, Tears for Fears, Maxi Priest, The Family and you gotta come screw it up. Now my damn Cherry Pepsi is getting warm! “Dum-Dum, all I'm saying is don't put the cart before the horse. I haven't heard the word CHEMISTRY one time in your little gay intro, that's all – just you going out and fucking up a whole lot of money on weekends” I wasn't even finished my thought, Gazoo, why don't you go bother Sharon or something? She's not doing anything now more than likely. Man, it's something about that Cuban-French Mix that, as Mint Condition sings, SENDS ME SWINGING! “Remember Lalia Glaskow and Ilene Nunez, Dum-Dum?” To hell with you, Gazoo, stop bringing up old stuff. Moving on, my little hedonists, Gazoo raises (or alludes to) a good point: Chemistry. How do you know when that shiny, new dime-piece (well, at least for me) on your arm is really the one? Maybe not wife material just yet but “WIFEY” material. The type that not only is a mainstay at family functions but gets an extra set of keys to the Batcave (NOT THE TOP LOCK THOUGH...DONT BE A FOOL!), pushes the ride when you're tired from a long-night out and you're drunk, and is the first over when you have that sour stomach, diarrhea, and ferocious headache due to the hangover you have... after she told you not to go to the bachelor party. You know? The type of chick that you leave the bathroom door open and she brings you magazines.

Sara, who has professed her love for me...

Well, have no fear fellow hedonists, your boy has the answers to this problem that grows more complex day after day. Now, I'm not a relationship guru, psychiatrist, marriage counselor, or preacher (See The Tale of Fast Eddie Long below). The basis for the content of this list is only my 30 plus years of life, a few great relationships, several bad relationships, a couple of one-night stands, watching friends crash and burn, and my own meandering life-experience. Nevertheless, this list is time-tested and approved by the Global Free-Love Association of Hedonists®, and put together by Gazoo and Yours Truly! “The GREAT Gazoo, Dum-dum!” ...Shut up!

For your enjoyment and without further adieu: The Hedonist's (and The Great Gazoo's) Dating Requiem – (Part I : You're Not Wifey Material When...)

1.You still share bills (e.g. Sprint, T-Mobile, Car Insurance, Macy's, Weed Man, Etc.) with your Ex-boyfriend and/or Baby Daddy other than child expenses – Get the hell outta here! Either you're Queen Save A Loser, still in love, or just plain stupid. I once dated a chick who moved here from California who was still paying Josh's T-Mobile Bill, Car Insurance, and AOL (they were on the same account). I didn't give a damn what she did with HER money but this still stuck me as bizarre. Here you are telling me you love me but paying this losers bills?!? I almost felt like Sam Rothstein in the movie “Casino”. Needless to say that the relationship didn't work out (but for other reasons) but if your prospective wifey is supporting another man's vice or funding luxuries he should be paying for himself, dump her!


2.You're known as The {insert a social network here} Skank behind your back – Look, I don't judge other people. I subscribe to that “He who is without sin cast the first stone” and “judge not” jaberwocky. But if your prospective wifey is known in social network circles as a “fat whore”, “Home-wrecker”, “desperate winch”, “pressed for a black man” or anything unseemly you might wanna have a discussion with her about her internet behavior or find your wifey elsewhere. I mean people talk and can be hateful. I, myself was the victim of an internet-smear campaign at one point and know how shit can get out of hand. But this is something that you may need to monitor for validity for a short time. I mean we all flirt, correct? We flirt at work, school, Starbucks, church, at weddings, the massage parlor, etc. It's just if she's in the same place, flirting with anyone and everyone she can, then she's obviously looking for something and, if you're smart, not to be fully trusted.


3.You have a **clearing throat** “Home Movie” on Contrastporn.com (not that I've actually BEEN on the site) or a similar such site – See, I have a “friend” who has at least two “home movies” on named site (I've HEARD so... not that I have perused the actual site. :D). Now, I just recently found out about her bedroom adventures and budding film-career; I didn't know while we were screwing around, I would have broken out the Nikon! Sike... dem's just jokes, my friends! Lighten-up. Seriously, even though I shouldn't be surprised (she was sorta in that business...don't ask), I really liked the girl. We are still friends even though her and her two kids have moved farther down south. But what would her kids think about this or her brother? The point I am trying to make is even though the past is the past, and we, as fellas, all desire to be the star of our home-made cinematic masterpiece. Do you REALLY want a girl who'll let you slut her out and skeet on her on front of a video camera (preferably a Nikon :-D)? Remember Kim Kardashian and Eve? Shit like that travels fast and friends and family can be brutal in their joking. And, ladies, guys can be brutal when break-ups occur. You can't imagine HOW MANY of my buddies have shown me “Home Movies” of their Exs directly after they broke-up.  If your girl lets you slut her out on film you should have her for that... slutting her out on video. Real Talk. Because if she's done with you there's more footage out there of her – probably with me as co-star! **laughing** Sike!!


4.You still live with your Ex and/or Baby Daddy or he's just over “cause he has no place to go” – Fellas, fellas, fellas … she says they live together or he drops for the weekend because “he was too drunk to get home” he's tapping your booty. Correction: He's tapping HIS booty as it's on loan to you. I have a good friend who lost his gig as a D.C. Cop behind this type of fuckery (no pun intended). My man was dating an Egyptian chick whose ex-fiancee/baby daddy hadn't “all the way moved all of his stuff out of the condo”. One day, my man had just been reassigned districts to the Northwest 2nd District. Old boy decides to pop-in with some Chipotle and Wine Coolers for lunch. His girl left the door unlocked by mistake (This is Georgetown) so he walks in, and baby daddy is beating that thang up from behind bending her over the mini-bar! Wow. My boy loses it, pulls the Roscoe on the both of them and then thinks better of it and leaves. His suddenly former girl and her baby daddy call the police and press charges. Now he is head of security at a local Best Buy. The point is: It's always better to not put yourself in a situation like that in the first place rather than deal with something like that and try to work it out. Nothing good is ever going to come out of such an arrangement.


5.Your number of sex partners is well into the double-digits – Lets face it, guys: You're not gonna find a virgin out here unless you're some kind of pervert or pedophile, more than likely, or you're in middle-school in which case you should be thinking about that Geometry test not getting booty, young man! In addition, EVERYBODY was, at some point, SOMEONE ELSE's GIRL... it's a fact. YOUR girl, my Cuban-French Mommy, YOUR MOTHER all belonged to multiple men. The brutal fact is someone was screwing your girl BEFORE you – maybe better, maybe not as good but it happened. The dilemma comes about when your girl has fucked 11 guys in college, 8 in high-school, had 3 fiancees in Grad-School ( you KNOW they fucked unless she's Amish), 4 from Ozio's (a lounge/bar/club) ... in the bathroom, 3 she met on AOL and Blackplanet, 1 she met on Match.com, 2 from Facebook, 1 from Myspace, and 2 from Twitter on first meeting. I mean we all like a freak, bruh, but we don't bring her to the Fourth of July Cookout!!! What are you thinking, Main Man? Here's a little test: You're at the point of wifing (is that a word?) this dime-piece but you think the booty has been ran-through more than the Underground Railroad at it's zenith. Say to her, “Hey, baby, we're just talking frankly here. In your 35 years how many guys have you had sex with... and giving him some head doesn't count.” Hell, you can ask this question while you're getting some head if your game is tight. Moving on, if the answer is 9 or less (though the skank is probably lying through her teeth and saliva) that's about the best you're gonna get in these days and times. If the number is around 15 or so? Weeeeeeellllll, you should be able to deal with that because I'm sure (I hope) that you've had more than 15 (since you're a guy). And maybe she likes to screw... so just because she likes to screw doesn't make her a total skank, just YOUR skank. Anything 25 or over run for the hills but stop down on North Capitol or up on Wisconsin Ave. and get your HIV Screening first, Bruh. Real Talk.


6.You tell me that you love me on the first date – This is a sign of neediness and a red flag. I just got a new Android Phone and I am not sure I'm in love with it... and I've had it for two weeks! Trust me, I love romance and fucking-up money (spending it on lavish gifts and dinners). I'm cynical too, but when I fall I fall hard (My girl Brige told me that) and I'm all the way down. But I don't know that I love you after a first date!! There are cases where we've talked, corresponded, texted, and emailed for MONTHS, then finally meet and that instant spark is there. But love at first sight is usually the sight of a needy, emotionally underdeveloped woman.


7.Your Facebook Relationship Status Message reads “Single” or “It's Complicated” and you have a man (or at least telling HIM that. **laughing**) – Question this, fellas... step to her. Do not go for that “I just want OUR BUSINESS to be OUR BUSINESS” or “As long as WE know it doesn't matter, baby” When you hear BS like this, she is either hiding something from you or hiding YOU from someone. Another sign is when she hides her relationship status altogether. I had a girl that was trying to get something started up north who claimed she was single. Lying skank. She's single but she's quietly posting pictures of her and some guys in a hotel room and all kinds of slick shit. Nevertheless, I just let her be slick all by her self up north and moved on. But don't let the wool get pulled over your eyes with the relationship status message thing.


8.You don't maintain a “Mani” and “Pedi” in addition to a “Brazilian” or “Landing Strip” – I'm just talking frankly here... we're all grown, correct. I don't like a mouth full of hair (even though that's some guys bag), gang. This is more of a personal preference than for everyone. But, hey, different strokes for different folks, right? But as for the hands and nails? Women are taught his sorta upkeep at age 11! Sharon says, “Kris, if a chick consistently has dirt under her nails the coochie smells too!” Good catch, Sis! Personally, I don't want a chick with dirty nails making my Turkey Sandwich. For real!


9.You don't like to explore or be adventurous in the sack – Lets face it, guys, SEX is a very important part of any serious relationship. And if the sex is getting stale you're gonna have to spice it up until it becomes red hot again. Now if she doesn't want anything other than “Missionary” or the occasional “Doggie” you guys are gonna have a problem if you're anything like The Hedonist. Monotony leads to becoming bored. Being bored leads to an idle mind. And we all know that an idle mind is the Devil's Workshop (as Aunt Honey used to say). Simply put, if your prospective wifey isn't willing to explore new things means she has a closed-mind and is seeing your relationship in the short-term. Think about it: 30 more years or so of missionary!?! I feel for ya, Bro.


10.You drink more than a 19 year-old college sophmore – I like to get a nice buzz, and I enjoy a woman who'll get my goodness with me. However, if she's drunk before 4pm or you are constantly carrying her outta joints you have a lush on your hands, my man. There's gonna be one day at Thanksgiving Dinner that she's gonna have one too many and all hell's gonna break lose. What's worse is that you're not gonna be invited back next year if you're still with her, Homie. The fire water is good but only in moderation and goes for ANYONE.

Exceptions to the rules:

Now no list is full-proof (except the Ten Commandments) and there can be some exceptions as we are ALL Human After All...

1.You have a potty mouth – All of my sisters (except Tiffany and Esha) have tongues like sailors and I don't mind. If your girl drops a f-bomb while playing Wii with you or arguing about her San Diego Chargers it's all good, Bruh. You need a woman with a little edge to her, right?


2.Sex on the first date – As I said above, if you've been talking or known her a long time and there is an immediate spark, hey, do ya thang! You MAY be that charming and irresistible. Just because you guys charmed one another and have a certain (As Amalia would say) “Chemistry” doesn't mean that she is a skank. And lets not be a hypocrite, fellas, how many girls have you WANTED to bag and succeeded on the first date?

Well, I have to mix-in at this party that I am so rudely blogging from. Part II will be up on Tuesday. I have brunch plan tomorrow in the French-Speaking Region of Cuba and some peace-keeping mission there on Monday before the Redskins punish the Eagles. ;O) Thanks for reading and, although he's not around, The Great Gazoo sends his best! Be Peace, Love God, God Bless, and Stay Groovy... at ALL TIMES.

Yours,
The Hedonnist "and Gazoo, Dum-dums!"
www.twitter.com/just_kristien
patrickristien@gmail.com

BTW - Shout out to my girl Kalina! Check out her Blogger Blog = enter.resting  ... GOOD SHIT!