Friday, September 24, 2010

The Tale of Bishop Fast Eddie Long and The MisEducation of The Black Church

Let me start this installment by saying, once again, that there is NO MALICE in any of my views or any of the things that I say. If you don't like what I am saying then you should probably change the channel, but, then again it's YOU who should be watching.

RANDOM RANT: Glee has to be the most ridiculous fucking show on television! Mediocre singing, awful acting, dumb plot-lines, average-looking actors and actresses. How did this shit get so popular? It's sure as hell is not FAME, a REAL MUSICAL DRAMA. You guys ought to be ashamed of your-damn-selves!

Before I get into talking about 'Ole Fast Eddie Long I want to touch on several things about the Black Church because it seems that some of you Negroes are losing your damn minds.

Bishop Eddie Long PICTURES

Lets begin by putting a few things out there, Gang, just to set the tone. First, amoral behavior in the Black Church has been around longer than we have been eating pork. I remember Prettyboy Rev. Bailey at the Baptist Church on Kansas Ave. NW. There were always rumblings of the "Da Rev." screwing one or two of the sisters in the Gospel Choir, and this rumor went on for a few years. The rumors finally came to a halt when-- on a very warm, July Communion Sunday-- Rev. Bailey gave us his apology from the pulpit for this "actions". I vividly remember thinking, "is this cat crying because he was screwing someone OTHER than Mrs. Bailey and he is remorseful or because he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar?" Now, I can run-off several other examples of elders in the church during that same era having extra-marital affairs-- Deacons, Trustees, Choir Directors and so forth were all doing the same shit.

I mean we have all heard of righteous jokers in the church stealing money and buying Buick's and Caddy's and trickin' up the cash. So why are we all in such a state of awe and bewilderment when we hear of corruption in the church? Many of our community's biggest hypocrites are in pews and pulpits all through Black America. Shocked? So you mean to tell me that I am the ONLY ONE who's heard the gay jokes about the Choir Director and the Male Organ Player/Pianist in church? I'm the only one who watches BET on Sunday Mornings and wonders about some those cats leading the choirs while dancing and singing? Wow. Get the hell outta here with that BS. I overhear folks saying, "Why don't they leave that man (Bishop Long) alone? Why keep talking about it?" You REALLY want an answer? 1) I will get to "that man" in a second. 2) Because it needs to be "put on blast" i.e. talked about at some length so the bullshit can "come to the light" as they say. I am sick of seeing you jokers with wives tricking at The Penthouse, Macombo Lounge, and down at Ozio's then act as if you're Job or John the Baptist at the Church BBQ. You Junior Deacons and Lead Tenors should cut that shit out; acting all prim and proper, jumping up and down, getting the Holy Ghost on Sunday-- all the while I JUST saw you out with "Dem Boys" in Dupont Circle. Look, I can dig the old adage that "everything ain't for everybody"... I know this. I just implore the hypocrites to be who you ARE 24 hours a day, not just 8 hours on Sunday. If you come out to your family, friends, and fellow worshipers and they can't understand or "forgive" you then you aren't the only hypocrite in the church, now are you?

As I stated before, there's a whole lot of rigmarole and hypocrisy going on in the Black Church. Yeah... I said it and you can kiss my ass if you don't like it. Folk had a lot of jokes and laughs all through the Catholic Church Scandal, huh? As I remember there was a nationwide outcry for justice and punishment. "How could a man of the cloth do this!?", they said. "Someone's gotta be held accountable!" you heard from the Southern Baptist Convention. Everyone was out for blood during those times. Well, well, well... it's no fun when the rabbit got the gun, is it, Bishop Fast Eddie Long? I guess that you and your flock wanna handle this in-house, huh? Not a chance, Fast Eddie and here's why: You are the SAME joker who preached to your flock and the masses that homosexuality is a sin and the transgressors should repent, ask for forgiveness, and change. Yet, Fast Eddie, you're SAME joker who's taking adolescents and young men on trips abroad to suck on their peckers. BISHOP FAST EDDIE LONG preaches for spiritual change in homosexuals; homosexuals should turn to God and seek the spirit of the Lord. But this is the same Good Bishop who takes little boys on shopping sprees and buys them vehicles just so he can screw them in the ass and kiss them in the mouth. Eddie Baby, you tell young boys they need a mentor and a father figure-- you tell them that they are your "Spiritual Sons", Bishop Fast Eddie! But you are taking pictures in spandex outfits, in front of the hot tub, looking like a Black Aquaman and sending the pictures to these young men! What the fuck? What Bishop does these things, Eddie? What are you a Superfriend and your church is the Justice League?

Since we are on your church, Bishop Fast Eddie, what is it all about? Either you're one of the greatest con men of ALL-TIME or Lithonia, Georgia (ATLANTA) has a plethora of idiots running about. How is your "flock" supposed to take you seriously after all of this fuckery that has transpired? Hold a second... let me back up. Eddie, you have absolutely no shame at all, do you? Not only do you drive a Bentley, you drive a drop-top Bentley. Bishop Fast Eddie, Jesus WALKED, and I am not talking about the Kanye West jam either. Perhaps it's just me (and I'm everyday folk) but I would find something horribly wrong with my "Bishop" pushing a $325,000 convertible while I struggle with kids, mortgage, and a car payment on an Acura or Nissan Altima. You mean to tell me this is where my Tithes and Plate Offerings are going, Fast Eddie?

What the fuck is wrong with you folk down there-- the ones who are DEFENDING THIS MAN (even though he has been in the closet). I'm not gonna say it's just you idiots in Atlanta, because you can go to several "Mega Churches" in D.C. (one in NORTHWEST in particular) where the "Bishop" AND his wife both drive S600 Mercedes. How is this justifiable, people? Oh, my bad, I forgot... your church has a bomb-ass Gospel Choir and a nice (read: expensive) daycare/pre-school, right? You got to be kidding me folks. The word is Eddie charges A FEE to shit in the front row of the church. Where has this been a common practice in Christianity or any other religion? I have been bamboozled all of my life, apparently, because I recall vividly Jesus saying something along the lines of "Come as you are". Church is supposed to be a first come, first serve thing, correct? On a deeper level, if Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha didn't charge to sit in their presence, Eddie, how in the hell are YOU gonna put that stunt? We ALL knew that you damn sure weren't JESUS even before the knowledge of your sexual preference broke! Nevertheless, all of the fuckery is allowed to grow and gain strength because no one stands-up and says this is wrong. You mean to tell me that if I pay you $35 I will get a better spiritual word than the dude sitting in the Overflow Room or you are just a glory hound, Eddie? Bishop Eddie Long you are a disgrace to the Clergy, Black Men, Christians, and The Black Church. You are a narcissist, hypocrite, and no better than the homosexuals you have berated. You have said a various and immense amount of negative things about these people (homosexuals), yet you are off in Canada sucking on the penis of a young man you are SUPPOSED to mentor! So that's how you play the of religion now, huh, Eddie? Bishop Long, you're a cheap-spandex, wet wig wearing hypocrite-- a fraud and a predator. You should be ashamed of yourself for ABUSING your power to play with little boys buttholes!

Now I don't give a damn who's angry with me behind my latest rant. You say you don't agree with what I've said here? You all can go buy a wig and your own spandex, form a Conga Line, and kiss my ass. You're angry with the Old Boy behind this post? Oh, yeah? You ought to be angry with Bishop Fast Eddie Long who's screwing young boys, buying Bentleys, and "making it rain" with YOUR MONEY, Suckers. You should stop giving Da Peacher all of these bonuses and hold him and, one another, accountable for the poverty, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, and general fuckery in your community. Your church is suppose to extend FARTHER than just that block it's situated on. Here's an idea: Why don't Da Pastor and his wife trade in the $129,000 German Sedans(BOTH of them), get Toyota Camry's, and give the remaining money to various charities NOT affiliated with Greater Mount Jericho. You know why this will never happen? This sort of thing will never happen because it's too much like right, my friends. There are no more strong brothers and sisters in the Black Church in abundance. Mega Churches equal Mega Business, which in turn equal Mega Hypocrisy and Fuckery. Instead of making excuses for these so-called Bishops make them do right by their flock and community. Throw them in jail when they screw your young tenors and ushers in the ass. As I said, it's never any fun when the rabbit has the gun, and there will never be any two days that are the same. With that said, I pose a question to The Black Church: What do you have to say about Catholic Priest and Homosexuals now?

Be Peace and Stay Groovy!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Size Matters: The Hard Sell

I am really digging those new Android Pads that are dropping next month in response to Apple's iPad. Me, myself, I am thinking about going with the Samsung Galaxy chumpie-- I don't think $350 is such a bad price for what you are getting compared to Apple. My phone is an Android Phone. I've had an iPhone, three Blackberrys, Moto Q (Windows Phone), and everything in-between. I honestly think that the Android OS is head-and-shoulders a better OS than Windows, RIM(Blackberry), AND Apple's iOS4. Okay, enough with all the nerdy, tech-talk... lets move-on to the meat, shall we?

Side note: I can't deliver the last part of the Dating Stereotypes trilogy as I am not getting any FEEDBACK!

Now those who know me personally will tell you that I'm a fairly patriotic cat. I get excited when we are amongst the leaders in Medical Research, Technology, Track and Field, and Philanthropy. Even though I'm a Porsche kinda guy, there's nothing like a good 'ole American Made Corvette C6 or Dodge Hennessey Viper, right? I am with the whole "America the Beautiful God Shed His Grace" stuff, but I am so f@#king tired of all these "Remember 9-11" or "We were you on 9-11" hypocrites that I 'm seeing on Facebook and Twitter today. You assholes remind me of those people who only go to church on Easter Sunday (for Black Folk) or New Years Eve (for us Catholics) with your parents. ALL YEAR I see you bitching about your kid's fathers not paying child support, that joker who broke your heart, how sorry the Cowboys are, or how fake the ladies are today. But I NEVER hear one word about the troops or 9-11 at any point of the year other than today. Look, I'm not saying that you're not sincere (well... YES, I AM) with your FB and Twitter 9-11 shout-outs, but all of you guys are coming off as phonies and lames-- like you're doing it because it's the cool thing to do. If you really want to show you're still in mourning and reflection, donate $10 Dollars to the United Way's Families of September 11th Fund. It's always better to SHOW that you have a big heart than just talk about it. Sizes does matter, Gang... especially to the women and children left behind. Nevertheless, one charitable thought a year is better than none, huh? *smh*

So, I had a slight defect in my Android Phone a couple of weeks ago-- One of the letters would not light-up on the slide-out keyboard after a couple of months of use. I called and spoke with my carrier and they immediately got a replacement out to me. **High-Five @ T-Mobile!** Now here's where size matters and,the lack of, is becoming expensive. The phone gets here and I fire it up everything's on the up-and-up. Now T-Mobile wants their sh*t back (the defective phone) within seven days. In the box, they enclose everything to make the transition go smoothly... they even pay the postage (via UPS). I pack the defective phone up, secure the box, and place the return UPS Postage Sticker on and hand it to this person (lets call them the "Medical Assistant") to see the package off. 1.5 weeks later I get a phone call from T-Mobile saying that they want the defective phone or there will be a $499 charge on the phone bill. WTF?!? The next 7 minutes go something like this: "Medical Assistant, I thought you sent that defective phone back?" "I did." *sighing* "Well, they say they don't have the phone. :-/" "Well, I putit in the mail as soon as you handed it to me." "Huh... the mail? What do you MEAN the mail!?! You mean like the MAILMAN!?!" "Yes, I handed it to the mailman when he came into the office and he took it." "Why-in-hell would you give the damn phone-- a UPS Package --to the goes out UPS!" "Uh, did it... how do you send something UPS?" do you see how size matters in this instance? I mean if Medical Assistant's brain would have been even a milligram heavier she would have thought to READ the SHIPPING information on the FRONT OF THE DAMN PACKAGE where it clearly says UPS in BROWN and WHITE not RED, WHITE, and BLUE! **taking several very deep breaths** Currently, I am researching how USPS and UPS does things in order to track down the lost phone and dodge a $499 "restocking" fee. Medical Assistant is a good person, I just question how intelligent Medical Assistant is at times. *smh*

Kids, are you ready for a good 'ole Lesbian Facebook War Story! Are you? Well, tune-in tomorrow as it's waaaaay off-topic (but DAMN it's juicy). I will illustrate --in great detail-- a moron and ingrate at her finest. Anywho in this world size matters: The size of your heart matters in love and charity; The size of your ignorance in the course of human events and dealing with your fellow man, and the size of your common sense which get us all through the soap opera called life... take THAT to the bank, Gang! Stay Groovy and God Bless!

The Hedonist

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Dating Stereotypes 2.0: The Flip Side

So last night after several drinks and viewing some real bizarre interactions with a human and his pet my phone rings with the Kemistry "No Guarantees" Ringtone (GOOD SONG!), it's my sister Sharon. "Uh-oh", I think, "there's a funny Gianluca, Pizzle, or Suge Knight/Farmer Story coming down the pike". Now that I think of it, Suge Knight/Farmer is gonna be a VERY interesting Blog -- a blog about an insecure person whose extremely discomfit about their identity... but that's another RMH Installment.

Okay, where was I? Oh! Yeah, Sissy hits me up to tell me AFTER the fact that she and my cousins Rick and Micki are in the midst of an Awesome Home, Holiday Weekend Party. WTF!?! See how colored-folk do each other? :-/ Moving on, she proceeds to give me a very brief run-down of the night's festivities and I'm excited. But, more importantly, Sharon goes on to praise my FB Notes and Hedonistic Rantings Blog!! How groovy is that, my little hedonists-in-training? I also didn't know that I have an invisible following out there in cyberspace (I'm SURE one of them is the infamous Krista but THAT's ANOTHER Blog *laughing*) who DON'T SUBSCRIBE. Now here comes the catch and it went a little something like this: "Yeah, Bro, the latest blog was an exceptional read!" "Word? For real though?" "You know it was, BUT I did have a few problems that got me heated" "Huh? C'mon, Sis... you know it's all love; I'm just saying what the fellas see out there." "But you need a black woman's point of view since you're doing it in three parts" "But..." Now here comes Micki in the background AND Rick: "Yeah, Kris, you can't just tell it from your view!" *sighing* Good Grief...

Now when I write about interracial dating & relationships, it’s mainly from the perspective of a black man with white women. But interracial dating has many different perspectives. The recent study regarding the rising rates of interracial marriages, still show that the interracial marriage rates among black women are lower than black men. Since I’m not a black woman, I can’t truthfully explain why that is. Maybe black women don’t find white men attractive. Maybe they don’t know any white men well enough to get to know them. Or maybe they are waiting on Matthew McConaughey or David Beckham. Who knows? Basically, I have no clue. But it still makes me wonder why a lot of black women have an issue with interracial dating. Is interracial dating really unfair to black women? I’ve never understood how there is a limited supply of black men compared to men of other races. One thing that I’ve tried to consider is the possibility that the issue might be with the lack of interest from white men. Once again... who knows?
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard that the white women are “taking the only good black men we have.” Get the hell out of here. It was like it was a white woman's fault that a black man with an education or ambition was interested in her. And trust me not every black guy that's interested in white women is an upstanding citizen. Just like not every white guy that has been interested in sistas' has been either. Black women blame white women for a lot of the interracial dating. I don’t like how there is an assumption that white women are stealing their black men... but that's just me. Look, I ain't saying... I'm just saying, ya dig?
The worst part is, is that black women are “allowed” to be upset with white women for dating a black man but if a white woman gets upset with a black women over this topic, they are racist. And I’m sure they get frustrated but they don’t own these men. Black men are free to choose their mates like everyone else. I would have loved to hear what my sisters and sistas' had to contribute before this writing but I received this request at, literally, the 11th Hour. Perhaps, I will drop a 2.5 at another date after some more investigation. As I am writing I am talking to my man Dakota who saying, "Dude, that must be something that has been ingrained for generations, because I have never, ever gotten flack from a white chick for going out with a black girl. And as far as I know, the women of other races don't do it either except for, maybe, Asians... Asian mothers are a trip. I had a friend whose mother was irate because he was dating a WHITE GIRL!" **laughing** I can dig it, Dee... I can dig it. So here I am... trying to give a point of view that I can't possibly be remotely accurate on, but I am determined to keep this series down to 3.5 parts. So, if there may be some who disagree with this particular posting please comment, Inbox me on Facebook; hit me on Twitter (; or send me an email -->
Well, I am going to get me some food, a shower, and start on this Farmer Suge Blog... I have an ax to grind! Stay Groovy!!

The Hedonist

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Dating Stereotypes 1.0

Well, I did have a lot to cover in this particular installment of Hedonistic Rantings. Instead, I decided to streamline things and touch on something that's been bugging several of my comrades for quite some time: How hypocritical women have become as of lately -- IN TERMS OF DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS. Now all three genders (Male, Female, and Transgender) are guilty of this sorta thing but, as my comrades have recently observed, women are just downright blatant with it.

One of my comrades (Let's call him Mario) says, "Kris, it used to be just the Sista's, but it's all of them these days!" "Huh... what, Dawg Pound?" "Maaan, they all are some lames, not just black women!" I know this is a tad bit confusing so let me give you some background, if I may: There has been this long-standing myth amongst black men that not only are Caucasian women more "audacious" in bed, but Caucasians actually treat you better and, in large part, are straight-shooters (i.e. Honest). I haven't done any research on how this myth started (Gimme a week or so), but I can say that I've heard it on various occasions, at different times, in the past 35 years. My guess would be that interracial relationships weren't as widely accepted as they are now, so cats not in-the-know just made shit up in casual conversation. Conjointly, there was usually one cat in most circles who customarily dated outside of his race, and would brag about all of the positive aspects of his relationship while omitting the negatives.

So Mario meets this Irish Chick (Let's call her Tammy) on BlackPlanet (Don't ask... I DIDN'T) and they start corresponding at a regular rate, sometimes four or five times a day not including Oovoo. Side note: For those of you who don't know, Oovoo is very similar to Skype and it's gaining a lot of momentum ( Moving on, so Mario says that they go out on a several "dates" and "hook-up" on at least one occasion. **High-Five @ Mario!** But after a couple of weeks Mario starts noticing things that he thinks are bizarre; her communication starts to become erratic and she only wants to meet at certain times of the day... even on a weekend! Here's Mario:

"So Kris, dawg, I'm in Silver Spring @ Galaxy's with Sammy and guess who we see? This hoe, Tammy, with some Mexican dude, taking vodka shots over at one of the pool tables!" "No bullshit, Player... what did you do?" "Nigga, I was cool about the whole thing, I just waved and played pool... but I could tell she was uncomfortable, Dawg."

Mario then proceeds to tell me that Tammy called him that Monday and said "Mario, we are not in a relationship, we are dating, baby!" Wow. This is the same chick that Mario says has "Facebook Quarrels" with his long-time, female classmates. The same chick that stalks his Twitter and BlackPlanet Pages. Currently, Mario is in a state of disarray because he doesn't see how Tammy is oblivious to his side of the argument as why he sees something shady in her being out with dude. "Kris, but she was giving me the ass, dawg!" "So?" "So how could we just be dating?" "Ask her... Je ne sais pas"

Now Tammy is a hypocrite seeing that she has petty quarrels with other females on his social networking sites and stalks (so he says) his Twitter Account, but he should have asked for some clarification once he "hit dat" if he wanted something exclusive.

I can honestly say that there is no general, dating paradigm out there -- especially if there hasn't been any specific dialog between the individuals -- but there is a thing called common courtesy. Nathan (another of my comrades who characteristically dates caucasian women) says, "KP, from my experience, women from other races are usually more selective in who they give their heart and bring home more so than who they date. Therefore, dating is nothing but something to do unless otherwise stated... even if you are knocking her back out!"


I've dated all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds, Gang. I can say that I have noticed only subtle differences sexually in the women I dated (Even the Chinese Mommy I dated... she was a tad pit plump) as far as mechanics go. **wink-wink** I mean some where thick and more durable while others were thinner and more flexible. Hold up, that's another blog or another day. *laughing* What I am saying is that some where shady and some where straight-up; some played me while monogamy was all other could think about. Wtf? I don't know. I can, personally, say that I have had waaaay more dating horror stories with sista's than any other race by far. But I can't say every sista that I meet is going to be that way.

My home-slice Christopher thinks Sista's are more into romance in the classical sense while caucasions want more of a laid-back if it comes it comes sorta thing. I've one friend who says, "Kristien, I want to be your wife and work having a family, hun." and she's Caucasian. On the other hand, I have one friend who "just wants to go out and do the Happy Hour Thang" and she's a sister.

Now I do think that age plays a factor in all of this. I mean most women, as they get older, want to settle down and have a family as their clock is ticking -- that's not a color thing. In all races, in your younger years, we are a loose and nonchalant about dating and hooking-up as we feel we have time on our hands.

I have a million thoughts and ideas to expand upon but I have emails to return, protocol to read, and I want to heat-up these Tacos. Hmm, I think I'm gonna stop here and finish-up another time... make this a Three Part kinda deal. Catch you tomorrow. Peace Peace!!

The Hedonist